Estelle Laure - Practice Girl

Frosted Flakes or Cocoa Puffs? Ty asks, opening an extremely organized cupboard in his massive kitchen.

Uh, I say. Im not hungry, but Ty seems to assume our appetites match. I am used to this type of assumption. Its the price of having a bunch of guy friends.

We also have some muesli. My mom says its healthy, but I think it tastes like ass. I dont need pumpkin seeds in my breakfast, you know?

I giggle. To my horror, it echoes off the quartz countertops.

This is the third afternoon in two weeks Ive spent at Tylers house after school, gradually removing more and more articles of clothing until today, when it was all of them. We had naked actual sex with each other. It was pretty sweet until about thirty-seven seconds after Tylers completion, which is when he bounced out of the bed, claiming to be starving to death.

Now Im sitting across the kitchen island from him while he pours us each a bowl of Frosted Flakes (note to self: I never answered him about the kind of cereal I wanted or if I even wanted any at all). He douses them in milk and I repress the desire to lecture him. Coach and I have tried so hard to get the guys on the wrestling team to care about their nutrition, even got a doctor to come in and talk to them after a kid in Denver gave himself a heart attack from dehydration and mass quantities of bodybuilding supplements. He had been using them to gain muscle, but they were not supposed to be taken by people under eighteen, especially with too much caffeine, no water, and no supervision. It doesnt matter what we do though. Ive seen Ty weigh a Snickers to see how it would move the needle on the scale. The guys obsess over calories and density but thats about it. Thats how much of an impact the doc made, all told.

I try to make myself more comfortable, less self-conscious about everything that just happened between us. I definitely need to keep myself from leaping onto the countertop and yelling, WE JUST HAD SEX. WHAT DOES IT MEAN, TYLER? ARE WE DATING NOW?

I take a bite of cereal. It crunches loudly throughout the room and I let the spoon drop to the side of the bowl, too nervous to eat. My thighs are still warm. I can still feel him pressed against my chest.

Ty slides the box of cereal over and considers me. Im hoping hes thinking about how we just crossed over a new relationship threshold, maybe doing a little obsessing of his own. What I really want is to believe that the tenderness he showed me as we climbed the stairs to his room, as he held my hand, took his time removing my clothes, made appreciative noises at the sight of my nude body, is still there now that weve done it. I cross my arm over my chest and grip my own shoulder even though Im not naked anymore.

He leans over and pats my free hand. My stomach plummets into my feet. This friendly patting of the hand does not bode well.

Beckett? he says, his eyes deep, the color of mountain earth.

Yeah?

Can I ask you something? I recognize the look he gets when hes trying a new wrestling movetotal concentration.

Of course. I arrange my face into its best approximation of attentive and extremely attractive.

He doesnt meet my eyes. Was that... okay? he asks.

Okay?

Yeah. I mean, am I okay? Was it... satisfying for you? When we... He tilts his head toward mine. I just want to make sure I didnt suck. That you werent like, I wish he would hurry up and stop touching me like that or counting down the seconds until you could get away from me or something. I mean... when I put my finger on your

No! I cut him off.

No? No, that was not good? He leans forward, spoon in hand. Little droplets of milk hang at its edges. I would not be surprised if he produced a notebook from his pocket and started taking notes.

I put my hand over his to reassure him. Yeah, Ty. Its good. Youre good. Great.

Tys face relaxes. Okay, cool, he says. Its hard to know, you know? He resumes eating. Vigorously.

I want to tell him that its actually not hard to know, but I decide therell be time for that later.

Looking at him now with his pinked-up cheeks and shifty eyes, Im pretty sure Tyler Martinez is actually into me, and what I had mistaken for ambivalence has been insecurity all along. It cant be easy to be a guy. Theyve had to put themselves out there and risk rejection for as long as our social norms have been in place.

Now his face transforms from grave concern to his usual confidence. I mean, I thought you liked it. Ty chews on a huge, happy bite of cereal. But you could have been faking or something.

Faking? I mean, I was faking a little, adding some extra drama.

I heard girls do that. I dont know! Ive only ever been with one other person and it was a couple years ago. He points to my bowl. Youre not eating.

Youre great, really. I take a soggy bite. I hope more reassurance will take us out of the sex-talk zone, which is all full of skin and bodily fluids, and into the other one, where I find out where we actually stand. I know these are conversations that should happen before, but its like I forget or something.

Im so glad were friends, he says after gulping down his sugar milk. I want you to know that. Sincerely. Youre the coolest girl I know.

Im almost positive all the blood drains out of my face.

Friends?

But Ive been thinking... he says as he goes to the sink and rinses his bowl. Maybe we should stop this before it gets awkward. Its been amazing, but it feels like the right time, dont you think?