J.B. ONeil - Ninja Farts: The Disgusting Adventures of Milo Snotrocket

Copyright 2017 by J. B. ONeil

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Michael Short

Cover and interior illustrations by J. B. ONeil

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2435-8

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2437-2

Printed in the United States of America

TABLE OF CONTENTS

A CRAZY, STINKY DREAM

Oh no! There are so many enemy ninjas chasing me. I started jumping from tree to tree, leaping so fast that the forest turned into a green blur. I need to think of something fast! I am a ninja, what do ninjas do in this situation?

They remember their teachings.

My master always told me the way of the ninja is to be as sneaky as possible, but when that doesnt work, create a fart cloud so smelly and thick that nobody could possibly follow you. So thats what I did. As I ran, I focused all of my energy into making the stinkiest, smelliest, most eye-watering nose-burning butt rocket I could. I flew forward on my green fart jet leaving the other ninjas gagging. I could hear them coughing and yelling to each other BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

WHY I HATE MY ALARM CLOCK

Ugh, stupid alarm clock. That was the best dream Id ever had.

Milo! Milo! My mom called up the stairs. Milo!

She was making sure I was awake. Isnt that what alarms are for?

Im awake! I yelled back.

My room smelled terrible. I must have been sleep farting again. I guess if you fart in your dreams, you fart in real life. I got out of bed and got dressed for school. Mom would be mad if I was late again. The problem was that my stomach was making some gurgly noises. I guess I didnt quite get all the farts out in my dream. I farted so loud and powerfully that I flew down the stairs.

I BLAME MY MOM

Oh man, that was fun coming down the stairs at warp speed! I wondered if I could apply to the International Space Program to be the first boy launched into space by fart fuel? Hmm I barely had time to think these thoughts because it only took a nanosecond to reach the bottom.

Oof. I landed on something soft. Something soft and smelly! I must have hit my head on the way down because I was sure Id have noticed letting out a fart that smelled that bad. Then the soft floor beneath me started to move, and I realized Id landed on my dog, Pooter. The force of my fart-propelled body landing on his tummy had forced a huge dog fart out, and boy did it smell bad. Id have been proud of that one!

My mom looked super-crabby as I sat down for breakfast.

Milo, you know how I feel about farting, she said. Farting is gross and rude, and you should stop doing it.

My mom doesnt understand.

Mom, I cant just stop farting. I have to fart. Its who I am. Shes a mom; its not her fault that she doesnt get it. I sat down at the table and waited for breakfast. She brought me a plate full of eggs and beans. My mom really doesnt get it.

THE BULLY ON THE BUS

I ate my breakfast and went outside to wait for the bus. My stomach was already telling me that this was going to be a farty day. I just hoped Bobby Buttz-Cratcher wasnt there. He was the meanest kid I knew.

I got on the bus as it pulled up and oh boy, Bobby was there, farting. He actually grabbed another kids face and farted into it so hard that Bobby flew into his seat. He left a fart trail floating in the air behind him, sort of like a shooting star. It was beautiful in a gross green-fart-trail kind of way. The poor kid who got his face farted into was completely knocked out with his head in a gas cloud.

THE BUS IS KINDA FUN

The bus pulled into its usual spot, next to the parking lot where all the kids who dont ride the bus get dropped off by their parents. Sometimes I wish my mom would take me to school, but then Id miss all the farting fun on the bus and I kinda think itd be boring, even though I hated it when Bobby Buttz-Cratcher picked on me. Once, on the way to school, he sat on my head and farted. That stuff was so bad I could chew it like gum! I swear, every time I breathed out for the rest of that day, my mouth smelt like Bobby Buttz-Cratchers butt.

It had its advantages, though. One of our teachers, Mrs. Shufflebottom, has a habit of leaning in so far when shes talking to you that her nose touches yours. All it took was one whiff of my Bobby-scented breath, and shes never spoken to me again. Its great!

JUST ANOTHER STUPID DAY AT SCHOOL

We pulled in front of the school. This was the moment we all waited for, every morning. The moment when the doors of the bus opened and the smell got out in front of us. The driver of the bus wouldnt open the doors until we were all behaving, so Bobby Buttz-Cratcher would play up until he could see some parents walking past the bus. Then he would stop messing around so the driver would open the doors.

If he timed it just right, the parents would walk right into a huge cloud of farty gas. Sometimes it was yellow, and sometimes it would be orange, depending on what the gassiest kids had been eating. But the mom or dad walking into it would always go the same colorgreen. Right before they passed out on the sidewalk.