Jeff Benedict - Make a Choice: When You Are at the Intersection of Happiness and Despair

2016 Jeff Benedict.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the publisher, Deseret Book Company (permissions@deseretbook.com), P.O. Box 30178, Salt Lake City Utah 84130. This work is not an official publication of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The views expressed herein are the responsibility of the author and do not necessarily represent the position of the Church or of Deseret Book. Deseret Book is a registered trademark of Deseret Book Company.

Interior photo: Shutterstock/ Andrey tiyk
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Benedict, Jeff, author.
Title: Make a choice : when you are at the intersection of happiness and despair / Jeff Benedict.
Description: Salt Lake City, Utah : Ensign Peak, [2016] | ?2016
Identifiers: LCCN 2015049484 (print) | LCCN 2015051188 (ebook) | ISBN 9781629721545 (hardbound : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781629734378 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Choice (Psychology) | Happiness. | Conduct of life.
Classification: LCC BF611 .B46 2016 (print) | LCC BF611 (ebook) | DDC 170/.44dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015049484
Printed in the United States of America
Edwards Brothers Malloy, Ann Arbor, MI
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Basil

Acknowledgments

It wasnt my idea to write this book. A few years ago I received a call from Sheri Dew, the president and CEO of Ensign Peak. She reads my blog and suggested it might make for an inspiring book to expand some of the blog posts Id written about people who had wrestled with pain, loss, and hardship. She didnt suggest any specific storylines or even offer a general outline. It was more of a hunch or gut feeling. But coming from Sheri, that was enough for me. In addition to being a friend, she is someone whose professional judgment and smarts I trust and admire.

I feel similarly about the product director for Ensign Peak, Chris Schoebinger. Weve worked together previously, and he picked up Sheris idea and ran with it. After I selected the individuals to profile, Chris helped refine each chapter, offering great input on the chapter setups and the takeaway messages. Chris is a writers editor as well as a trusted friend and confidant.

Of course, this book would not exist without the courage of those who are profiled in it: Hugh, Ione, Bruce, Scott, Icy, Sargeant, Lindsay, Ben, Judith, Kev, Donna, Ri-Man, Mark, Kitam Sr., Kitam Jr., and Donyetta. Its a remarkable collection of people, all of whom were willing to discuss very personal and heart-wrenching experiences with me. Writing about them made me a better human.

I dedicated this book to my friend Basil. Back when I had never been published, Basil believed in me. He was my first literary agent. And I was his last client. After a storied career representing some of the biggest names in publishing, Basil stopped representing writers in order to care full time for his lovely wife, Nancy. Her illness robbed her of her mobility, but she has a man who loves her more than life. Basil hasnt left Nancys side in years. Literally. Their love affair is the stuff of novels.

Basil is no longer my agent. But he remains my beloved friend. Without ever saying a word about love and marriage, he has taught me more about love and marriage than anyone Ive ever met.

Ive saved the most important acknowledgment for last. My wife, Lydia, is my best friend. Shes also my best editor. I go to her with the big questions. In addition to helping me select the people I should profile, she had a hand in almost every one of the stories I told. She knows almost everyone in these pages. At one point, when I thought about giving up on the project, she rallied me and literally saved the book. I love writing, but I love Lydia way more.

Introduction

As a journalist I often meet people who have experienced fundamental unfairness, gut-wrenching loss, and outright injustice. This kind of news is everywhere; we see and hear about it every day.

Hours after I finished typing the final passage of this book and prepared to send the manuscript to my editor, a twenty-one-year-old white male entered a black church in South Carolina and killed nine people. Why? I was simultaneously furious and sad as I read the initial news reports.

That same night I read the final three chapters of Old Yeller to my nine-year-old daughter. Wed been reading a chapter a night for a couple of weeks, so she had a sense of what was coming. Still, it was all she could do not to cry when fourteen-year-old Travis puts a gun to his dogs head and pulls the trigger. It seems so unfair. After all, Old Yeller had saved Traviss life from a pack of wild hogs. Then hed saved Traviss mother and brother from a ferocious wolf with rabies. Unfortunately, Old Yeller contracted rabies and had to be put down.

Why did that have to happen? my daughter asked.

It was her way of asking why the story didnt end differently. I couldnt help thinking of all the people in South Carolina who had lost loved ones. I was confident none of them imagined that a relative would die from gunfire in a church while studying the words of Christ. But author Fred Gipson teaches a very adult lesson in his childrens classic. With Travis unable to get over the hurt of the tragic situation, his father tells him,

Its not a thing you can forget. I dont guess its a thing you ought to forget. What I mean is, things like that happen. They may seem mighty cruel and unfair, but thats how life is a part of the time.

But that isnt the only way life is. A part of the time, its mighty good. And a man cant afford to waste all the good part, worrying about the bad parts.

The Old Yeller scenario isnt a perfect comparison to what happened in South Carolina, but the reference to mighty good as a response to cruel and unfair was on display two days later when the shooter appeared on a video link in court during a bond hearing. Survivors of the victims addressed him. One of them was Nadine Collier. Her seventy-year-old mother, Ethel Lance, was among the victims. You took something very precious away from me, Collier said. I will never talk to her ever again. I will never be able to hold her again. But I forgive you. The next day, her wordsI Will Never Be Able to Hold Her Again. But I Forgive Youwere the headline atop the front page of the New York Times.

Losing a loved one in a random mass shooting is unimaginable, yet it has become too common in America. While writing this book, I had the privilege of working with Alissa Parker, whose daughter Emilie died in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Connecticut in 2012. Alissa asked me to help her write a memoir about going through the cruelest, most unfair thing a mother can experience and how she managed to forgive and move forward. Through a profound tragedy, she found the mighty good that still existed in the world.

The people and stories chronicled in this book remind me that life offers a rich diversity of hardships and personal trials. People wake up and face extraordinary circumstances every day. Maybe youre experiencing something hard right now. Maybe you wonder how youll get over it. The fact is that we dont really get over these things. The only way is through them. However, there is strength and reassurance in knowing that we are not alone. The people profiled in these pages demonstrate that life is better when you focus on the mighty good and leave the bad parts behind.