Ruby Remenda Swanson - A Family Outing

A FAMILY
OUTING

A Memoir

Ruby Remenda S w anson

Copyright 2016 Ruby Remenda Swanson

This edition copyright 2016 Cormorant Books Inc.

This is a first edition.

A Family Outing is a work of non-fiction. Some names and event details, however, have been changed to protect identities.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For an Access Copyright licence, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call toll free 1.800.893.5777 .

The publisher gratefully acknowledges the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council for its publishing program. We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund ( cbf ) for our publishing activities, and the Government of Ontario through the Ontario Media Development Corporation, an agency of the Ontario Ministry of Culture, and the Ontario Book Publishing Tax Credit Program.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Swanson, Ruby Remenda, 1954, author
A family outing : a memoir / Ruby Remenda Swanson.

Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-77086-476-4 (paperback). ISBN 978-1-77086-481-8 (html)

. Swanson, Ruby Remenda, 1954 .. Swanson, Ruby Remenda, 1954 Family.. Parents of gays -- Canada.. Coming out (Sexual orientation) Canada.. Gay teenagers Family relationships Canada.. Mothers and sons.

i . Title.

HQ759.9145.S93 2016 306.8743 C2016-904414-9

C2016-904415-7

Cover design: angeljohnguerra.com
Interior text design: Tannice Goddard, bookstopress.com
Printer: Friesens

Printed and bound in Canada.

The interior of this book is printed on 100% post-consumer waste recycled paper.

CORMORANT BOOKS INC.
ST. MARY STREET, SUITE 615, TORONTO, ONTARIO, M4Y 1P9
www.cormorantbooks.com

In memory of Uncle Fred and Uncle Jerry, who had to hide

In 2002, when my sixteen-year-old son, Carl, came to my office and told me he was gay, my initial reaction was shock, fear, and denial. I looked for a book that would help me cope with the news, provide me with encouragement, and prepare me for what might be coming. I did not find anything that spoke to how I felt or to the type of experiences our family was beginning to have.

It would have been inconceivable in those early weeks and months for me to think that a decade later Id be writing the very book I had been looking for, one that would help others who find themselves in the same situation as I did. It was at the insistence of one of my colleagues with whom I periodically carpool that I began to write down my feelings and thoughts. On the Family Day weekend in February 2011 I made a list of forty-six experiences I thought I could write about. Then I started typing. Some stories and descriptions were six pages long and others were only three sentences, but the list of things to write about kept getting longer.

I wrote about what it was like to hear my child tell me he was gay and how I reacted the first time I saw him kissing his boyfriend. I addressed the deeply homophobic time in which I grew up. I started digging into our family histories and learned about my gay great uncles. I learned more about the aids epidemic and how it transformed the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender ( lgbt ) landscape in North America. I wrote about attending a drag queen show. I described the nearly uncontrollable rage I felt toward protestors at anti same-sex marriage rallies.

Writing about the experiences I had as the Edmonton Director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays ( pflag ) reminded me of how good it felt to be able to help someone by simply making a few phone calls such as the time I found a gay mens social group for a fifty-six-year-old man who had just come out. I wrote about going to an annual general meeting to discuss the future of the gay and lesbian centre in Edmonton and coming home a few hours later as the only straight person on the interim executive board of what would become the Pride Centre of Edmonton.

Through many years of participating in panel presentations about coming out, I listened to personal testimonials by many lgbt individuals and their families. I wrote about what happens to our children as they come out to themselves and how this step influences their coming out to others. No child wants to lose his or her family, friends the people in their lives they love. This makes the initial coming out to family one of the most sensitive, emotionally charged, stressful, and unpredictable situations our gay children have to navigate in their lives.

A Family Outing addresses the range of pain and heartache families endure, such as when we realize our sons and daughters could be the victims of discrimination or hate crimes for simply being who they are. It also provides positive perspectives, including recent gains in recognition and acceptance of same-sex marriage and the establishment of gay/straight alliances in schools.

A year and a half after my son came out, Carl was on the other side of the country at the University of Toronto, where hes lived ever since. It wasnt because he was at my side that I took on lgbt advocacy. My entry point for activism was the Canadian same-sex marriage legislation debate. The pro-same-sex marriage side had to be represented and supported by the straight community so I became involved by publicly advocating for equality and acceptance of my son and fellow human beings like him. In the years that followed I met and worked on all sorts of lgbt issues with extraordinarily brave lgbt activists and true heroes. The lgbt community is made up of our own sons and daughters, best friends, coworkers, neighbours, favourite aunts and uncles, and our brothers and sisters, all of whom now and in this country are no longer sentenced from birth to hide who they are, although they may not find acceptance in every part of their lives. My book is about being an advocate, helping others, standing up to taunts from religious fundamentalists and political protestors, and holding people accountable for their treatment of the lgbt community. Its a story about the discrimination gay people still face today.

My family has been fortunate. My gay son has not endured years of bullying and psychological damage. There were no suicide attempts or episodes of despair. My familys experiences have been mostly positive, although there has been some heartache. This book is about overcoming the fears I had, fears which were based on attitudes from the deeply homophobic time of my high school years in the 1960 s and seventies and in the frightening years of the aids epidemic in the 1980 s and nineties. Its about what I learned from other parents, members of the lgbt community, advocates, historians, and my own family. Its about my personal growth to becoming a public advocate for the wider lgbt community.

As I was writing, my son, Paul, whos straight, regularly reminded me, Everyone whos coming out needs a book to give to their parents. They need your book. I dont have all the answers, but it is my hope by writing about my experiences and what Ive learned along the way, Ill be providing help to those people who are in their own process of navigating gay.