Tina Summers - Through the Valley: One Familys Journey Through Ptsd

Middle East, Australian & Coalition Base

August, 2008

T he ramp descended exposing the precious cargo within the plane. There were six Canadian soldiers this time, the caskets draped with the red and white Canadian flag. Andys throat tightened. Not now. He had to keep it together. Inhaling sharply, he buried the emotion deep. Hed deal with it later.

Piper, sound the call, The commanding officer yelled.

Andys spine straightened further. He filled the bag under his arm and hit it with his hand. The sound of the drones on his bagpipes filled the open air.

Parade, general salute. Present arms. The loud instrument almost drowned out the command.

A corridor of five hundred personnel faced inwards on either side of the procession, Canadian on one side and a coalition of Australian, New Zealand, South African and British military on the other. Commanders saluted at the front. The tarmac lights brightened the deep darkness of the night, cocooning them in a bubble.

Andy stood at attention, playing Flowers of the Forest as the first casket was carried down the ramp. His fingers played the tune he heard even in his sleep. The temptation to play a different one barely even registered, he didnt want to confuse the members slow marching with the caskets.

The anguish of the pallbearers twisted their features as they struggled to keep their tears at bay. The sight gutted Andy as they passed him, but he stayed focused. He filled his lungs, blew into the mouthpiece, and squeezed the bag to carry the tune his fingers played with little thought as the procession passed him. The emotional weight for the pallbearers was far greater than the physical. They were the friends and co-workers of the fallen. He knew because hed spent time getting to know them.

Andys bagpipe instructor had taught him to play with emotion. Music was a powerful tool, and in this case, it would help the mates mourn their loss. Andy had spent time getting to know the fallen soldiers, so it seemed like he, himself, was grieving for a mate hed never met.

Of the six, he thought of the two dads who wouldnt go home to their wives and children. Their friends described one as a joker, always pranking his mates, the other loved hiking and fishing. In their mid-forties, theyd only lived half of an expected life.

Three young soldiers didnt even have that. Theyd left behind parents, brothers, sisters and girlfriends. Gone was their energy, their humour, their mateship. Bright futures, snuffed out but never forgotten.

Andy continued to play the mournful song as the casket of the mid-thirties mum went before him. Her three-year old daughter wouldnt understand that her mother wasnt coming home to her. Not in the way she was expecting. Hers was the last one.

Andy followed behind the procession, gently squeezing the bag for a smooth sound while his boots performed the precise movements of a slow march. The corridor seemed endless at a hundred metres.

Commanders still saluted, tears streaming down their faces. Shock rippled through Andy and his fingers almost fumbled over a note. Hed never seen emotion or vulnerability in commanders to this degree.

White vans waited at the edge of the tarmac. Usually used for transporting aircraft parts, theyd been cleared out for more important cargo. Andy exhaled one last breath before striking the bag again to cleanly cut the music. Compared to the loud bagpipes, the silence that followed deafened.

He fought to keep his composure. Sounds of sobbing gently surrounded him as the soldiers farewelled their mates. Andy nodded to himself. Hed done his job.

The vans drove towards the morgue and the parade was dismissed. Several people thanked Andy for his contribution, but a numbness had swallowed him. Did he acknowledge them? He couldnt tell.

Everyone left and still Andy stood feeling empty and numb. A sob ripped through him and he shoved it back down. Men dont cry. His thoughts flashed to the commanders with their tear-streaked faces, and he was shocked anew. He kept seeing the caskets in his mind, thinking of the individuals and his heart cried out for the loss. An emptiness consumed him and with it an overwhelming grief he couldnt process.

Memories of another red and white draped casket flooded his mind leaving him raw. Megsy. His mate. Andys legs crumpled underneath him, and he sat numbly on the tarmac surrounded by darkness.