Peter Handrinos - The Funniest Baseball Book Ever: The National Pastimes Greatest Quips, Quotations, Characters, Nicknames, and Pranks

QUIPS,
QUOTATIONS,
AND CHARACTERS

THE 20
GREATEST BASEBALL PRANKS
EVER PULLED

Ive set records that will never be equaled. I hope 90 percent of them dont even get printed.

BOB UECKER

This sets up the possibility of losing 162 games, which would probably be a record. In the National League, at least.

CASEY STENGEL, on the 62 Mets starting the year at 09

[The Cubs] scored 13 runs, a playoff record. We scored zero, which tied another playoff record.

DICK WILLIAMS, on Game One of the 84 National League Championship Series

A complete ballplayer today is one who can hit, field, run, throw, and pick the right agent.

BOB LURIE

Baseball fights are to fighting what artificial turf is to grassit looks like a fight and sounds like a fight, but it isnt really a fight. For instance, nobody insults anybodys mother or heritage, primarily because so many of the players are related by agent.

RON LUCIANO

On a good day hes merely indifferent, on others hes as downright nasty as anyone making $3 million can possibly be. But his agent loves him.

BOB KLAPISCH, on Vince Coleman

All the old guys get here early. We need to make sure we wake up.

TOM GLAVINE, on spring training

I dont mind turning 50. Its just that at the beginning of the season I was 43.

HANK GREENWALD

Ive given the Cardinals some of the best years of my life. Now Im going to give them some of the worst.

JACK BUCK

I thought you were dead, but you look good.

ANONYMOUS FAN, on 80-something coach Eddie Popowski

Thats the hell of it. You get smart only when you begin getting old.

ALLIE REYNOLDS

Weve had hits from time to time, but they werent timely hits at the right time.

GARY CARTER

I hit it out, but it didnt go out.

RICKEY HENDERSON, on a long single

I did my job. The ball didnt do its job.

COCO CRISP

I lost it in the shade.

FRENCHY BORDAGARAY, on misplaying a ball on a cloudy day.

YOGI BERRA: I lost it in the Sky.

CASEY STENGEL: The skys been there for years.

The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest is wins and losses at the major league level.

CHUCK LAMAR, on the Devil Rays

He sported long muttonchop sideburns, a mustache, and tinted aviator glasses. It was like having Super Fly at first base.

RICHARD ROEPER

He didnt like to practice. Always felt it wasnt in his contract. He just signed up for the games.

BOB UECKER

I can play anywhere; first, third, left field. Anywhere but Philadelphia.

ALLEN, on his future plans

It was a relationship based on mutual respect. [White Sox manager Chuck Tanner] thought a superstar like Allen had a divine right to play by his own rules. Allen thought Tanner was right.

DIEGO MUSILLI

It was the first time in history that everyone in the stands got a foul ball.

DAVE LaPOINT, on a Giants game with 1,632 fans

300,000 free tickets.

GRAIG NETTLES, on what it would take to attract 75,000 to the Indians home opener

If I were a young man in Cleveland and I wanted to take my girlfriend out for a nice quiet evening, someplace dark where we could be alone, Id take her to an Indians game.

KEN LEVINE

In this town, a scalper could starve to death.

DICK YOUNG, on Baltimore

This would have been a good year to paint the ballpark seats.

GERALD PERRY

Ill sign anything but veal cutlets.

CASEY STENGEL

Ive got to sign this. These people came all the way from Texas.

YOGI BERRA, giving autographs at a convention in Houston

I enjoyed signing autographs. Until the major leagues, the only people whod seem interested in my autographs were my bank manager and the power company.

RON LUCIANO

When I was a little kid, teachers used to punish me by making me sign my name 100 times.

WILLIE WILSON, on why he refused to sign autographs

No autographs.

RUBEN SIERRA, after a stranger approached and said, Hi, Ruben, Im Phil Rizzuto

For almost as long as fans have followed baseball action on the field, theyve asked for baseball signatures on paper.

The most interesting autograph stories come from unusually timed requests. Once, a fan jumped out of the stands in the middle of a game, ran to outfielder Ken Griffey, Jr., produced a ball and a pen, and, as the security guards closed in on him, asked the startled star for an autograph. Another time, Yogi Berra was recognized by a fan while the two of them were doing their business at adjoining urinals; when the fan suddenly turned to ask for an autograph, Yogi found himself with a wet pair of shoes.

Barry Bonds got an autograph request from the judge presiding over his divorce proceedings, and Tim Raines took a request from the arbitrator who was ruling on his salary request, but the most unusual autograph request of all time was probably fielded by Ted Williams. While serving as a combat pilot in the Korean War, Williams was forced into a fiery death-defying plane crash at his air base and, just as he staggered away from the flaming wreck, an air force officer rushed up to Teddy Ballgame, checked to see if he was all right and asked for his autograph.