Survivors of Suicide Loss - Beyond Surviving: A Compilation of Stories from Survivors of Suicide Loss

Beyond Surviving

A Compilation of Stories from Survivors of SuicideLoss

Edited By Jenni Klock Morel

All proceeds go to benefit Survivors of Suicide LossSan Diego,

A Nonprofit Organization

Copyright 2013 Survivors ofSuicide Loss San Diego & Contributing Authors

All RightsReserved

Ebook Formatting by Indie Designz

SmashwordsEdition

Smashwords Edition, LicenseNotes

This book is licensed foryour personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold orgiven away to other people. If you would like to share this bookwith another person, please purchase an additional copy for eachrecipient. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, orit was not purchased for your use only, then please return toAmazon.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting ourorganization and the hard work of the authors.

This book is dedicated toeveryone who has ever lost a loved one to suicide.

It is our hope that withinthese stories you can find hope and a little peace during your timeof healing.

The new normal happened sofast.

By Jenni Klock Morel

Welcome to beyond surviving,and I am sorry that you are here. I want to tell you that my heartbreaks for your loss; but more importantly, I want to tell you thatyou are not alone.

This raw and beautifulanthology was born of a vision I had. At the time I had served onthe Survivors of Suicide Loss San Diego (SOSL) Board of Directorsfor six-months, and had recently accepted a position as SOSLsDirector of Development. I had this vision, sort of a lucid dream,of creating a collection of stories, mostly a compilation ofarticles previously published in the SOSL quarterly newsletters. Ithought offering the wisdom of those many stories and articles inone place would benefit survivors, and have a worldwide reach. Thebook you are reading today is a much bigger embodiment of thatoriginal vision.

As I began the journey ofcollecting stories for this book, a snowball effect took hold, andmore and more people stepped forward to share their stories. Theoutpouring of support for this project was overwhelming. Ourcontributing authors were grateful to be included, to have a chanceto share their story in their own voice, and we were so gratefulfor their commitment to our organization, our cause, and ourmission to help other survivors.

Some of the most difficultmemories many of us share are our memories of when we first heardthat our loved one died; and not only that they were gone, but thatit was by suicide. Gone, forever - and we didnt get to saygoodbye. Part I of this book shares personal stories of the initialshock that is a common theme for many of us.

After the initial shock, wehad to figure out how to go on. Not to move on, but how to carryon. How to keep on living. How to get out of bed and make it towork, or how to get the kids ready for school, or, even how to findthe strength to take a shower. I think it is fair to say that manyof us still struggle with some of these seemingly simple tasks. Forsome it remains a challenge on how to handle birthdays,anniversaries, holidays, and Angel Days, as I like to call thedate that our loved ones died. Part II of this book explores howsurvivors handled their grief after the initial shock woreoff.

Finally, Part III of thisbook focuses on Hope. The title Beyond Surviving comes fromthis final part and our purpose we share with you : Hope. This includes the strength that we have found,the ways in which we have somehow managed to turn our grief andhealing journey into something positive, and hope that all of ussurvivors, while we will never forget, and we will never move on,we can move forward, and live once again.

We invite you to share withus your reactions to the stories in this book. Please let us knowwhat stories meant the most to you and how they affectedyou.

We also invite you to sendus stories you would like to see published in either our quarterlynewsletter Hope & Comfort, on our webpage http://www.SOSLsd.org , orpossibly, even in a 2nd edition of this very book.

Please send submissionsto:

or

SOSL

P.O. Box 3297

La Mesa, CA 91944

We hope you find as muchhealing and hope in this book as we did in compiling, editing, andwriting it. It has truly been a tribute to those we have loved andlost.

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes notears.

John Vance Cheney

By Sarah M. Connelly

*The following is alecture given at a church service in collaboration with my churchminister. I asked if he would allow me to share my story in thehopes that it might help someone else.

March 18, 2005 started outto be the most wonderful day. At the time Chloe, my oldest daughterwas five and her little sister, Ella, was six-months old. We wereattending a Purim carnival at my daughters preschool. The weatherwas perfect. A beautiful spring day. I remember standing on thelawn of the playground looking out at all the kids laughing andrunning around. I was thinking to myself: What a wonderful moment.How lucky am I to have two wonderful kids, a great husband,everything in my life is great. I am so grateful. I had no ideathat in the next few minutes my life would changeforever.

I am a worrier so I alwayshave my cell phone with me just in case something happens. On thisday I was busy helping with the carnival and had left my phone inthe stroller instead of with me in my pocket. I had picked it upearlier and noticed a few missed calls. I thought to myself I willcheck them as soon as I get Ella to sleep. So there I was standingthere rocking my six-month old to sleep, thinking how grateful Iam, then my phone rang. It was my younger sister. I knew right awayfrom the sound of her voice something was wrong. I assumed she wasupset about a boyfriend or that our mom had done something to upsether.

Amanda, whats wrong? Shesaid nothing. I could hear her crying, sobbing the out-of-breathtype of crying. She could barely whisper the words. ItsDylan.

I asked where he was, whathappened. My thought was that he had picked a fight with the wrongperson and was in the hospital. Before I could say anything shesaid, hes dead. My knees gave out and I fell to the ground withElla in my arms. I started screaming NO, NO, NO over and over andI remember thinking this is not happening. Some other moms cameover and helped me up. One mom took Ella and someone else wastrying to reassure the other kids that everything was OK. They tookme inside and I remember sitting there thinking this isnthappening. I remember talking but I dont remember what I said.Someone called my husband and they told him to come to the school.We got things situated and left to be with my family.

That was almost two yearsago. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday. I was 30 yearsold and my brother was 27. He would have turned 28 that June. Ihave three brothers and one sister. I am the oldest. I was thetypical big sister, bossy and protective. We lived in a verychaotic house with very dysfunctional parents. I took on the roleof protector, guardian and parent. Whenever I think of mychildhood, I think about my twin brothers Dylan and Ryan. It is asif there is no separation. In my mind it was always me and mybrothers. We were always together when we were younger. We playedand fought just like siblings do. But I took my role as protectorvery seriously. It wasnt until Dylan died that I realized how muchI worried about him. When he died it forced me to look at how wegrew up and how hard it was for all of us. I tried so hard to takecare of my siblings. So when Dylan died, I blamed myself. I stilldo. I dont think I will ever completely be rid of the guilt. Iblamed myself for not being a better sister. I blamed myself fortrying to get out of our chaotic house and leaving my siblingsbehind.