Beverly Cobain - Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families after a Suicide

Dying to Be Free succinctly delivers what survivors need to know, with sensitivity, help, and insight. This book doesnt overwhelm, and thats notable for those in pain who cant fathom plunging in too deep, too early in the quest they eventually will take for understanding. Survivors of suicide have an instant companion and support network here.

P ATRICIA A NSTETT , M EDICAL W RITER ,
Detroit Free Press

Dying to Be Free is a succinct, easy-to-read resource for any survivor, although those newly bereaved may find it especially helpful. Health care professionals interested in learning more about how to help survivors may also find this book useful. Dying to Be Free is recommended as a beacon of hope and understanding to those who have suffered the pain and loss of a loved one to suicide.

M ITZIE M EYERS , RN, MSN
A MERICAN A SSOCIATION OF S UICIDE

Free

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A Healing Guide for Families
after a Suicide

BEVERLY COBAIN and JEAN LARCH

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

2006 by Hazelden Foundation

All rights reserved. Published 2006

Printed in the United States of America

No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Cobain, Bev, 1940

Dying to be free: a healing guide for families after a suicide / Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-10: 1-59285-329-3

ISBN-13: 978-1-59285-329-8

E-book ISBN: 978-1-59285-847-7

1. SuicideUnited States. 2. Adjustment (Psychology). 3. BereavementPsychological aspects. I. Larch, Jean, 1951 II. Title.

HV6548.U5C63 2006

155.937dc22 2005052824

09 08 07 06 05 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by David Spohn

Interior design and typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc.

This book includes the authors personal accounts of dealing with suicide, as well as others true stories and photographs, all reprinted or adapted with permission. In some cases, names, dates, and circumstances have been changed to protect anonymity, but most individuals have requested that real names be used. The photographs on pages xixiii depict people who have died by suicide.

We offer two dedications,
one cosmic, one earthly:
to the H OLY S PIRIT
and
to D R . E DWIN S HNEIDMAN

by Dennis Liegghio

by Joel Rothschild

We wish to express our sincerest gratitude to

Dr. Edwin Shneidman, psychiatrist, researcher, author, and philosopher, who gave us the gift of his time, knowledge, and expertise;

Mark Larch, for his support, love, and prayers;

the hundreds of survivors of suicide who enlightened us with their experience;

the myriad survivors and attempters who courageously shared their pain;

our editor, Rebecca Post, and the staff at Hazelden for their hard work, and for believing in us;

all the contributors of photos and connection stories;

the staff of Macomb County Crisis Center in Chesterfield, Michigan, especially Jeni Koviak;

Tom and Ellen Par for their editing skills;

Selene Wadhawan and Rene Doviak Bougenoy for their support and love;

author and friend Joel Rothschild for his encouragement and love;

Melissa Dawson;

Maggie Lother for her encouragement and cinnamon buns;

Brenda Reeves; and

Lisa Hurka-Covington.

So this is how you leave me
Bleeding where I stand
Ive tried so hard to figure out
Ive tried to understand
What could have been so goddamn painful

What it was that made you feel it had to end

From top, left to right: Mary, Tyler, Alex, Dorcus and Jatinder, David

What was that final puzzle piece
You couldnt get to fit?
Did you take a minute to stop and think
How we would deal with it?
Therell be no answers to these questions
Weve got to carry on and try to live

So goodbye I cant believe youre gone
So goodbye somehow I hope that you can hear this song

Was there something that I could have done

That might have changed your mind?

If I told you I love you and I need you here

Would you still be alive?

From top, left to right: John, Joshua, Robert, Laura, Kurt, Kevin

And though I know its not my fault
I still carry all this guilt and shame inside

So goodbye I cant believe youre gone
So goodbye somehow I hope that you
can hear this song

To this song there is no ending
For this pain theres no resolve
Time wont cover up the wound
When you lose someone you love
If I could ask you one last thing

I guess that I would ask you why
Id ask you why

So goodbye I cant believe youre gone
So goodbye somehow I hope that you can hear this song