Karl Welzein - Power Moves: A Guide to Livin the American Dream, USA Style

Dedicated to the good people of Michigan and the 84 Detroit Tigers. Bless You Boys.

CONTENTS

Sup, book company. Names Karl Welzein, hailin from Grand Blanc, Michigan. Sometimes it feels like people forgot about Michigan. Me, I like it just fine, thank you very much. Round these parts in Grand Blanc and Flint, theres pretty much always a rockin celebraish goin on. And weve got everything you could want in a big-city lifestyle, but with down-home comfort. Chilis, Bees, golf courses, tons of bars. The works, really. Full spread. Michigan built this country on rock n roll, badass cars, and great spots for a vacay with plenty of lakes and babes galore. Plus, Bob Seger was born here and still calls it his home. And if Michigan is good enough for Bob Seger, then its damn sure good enough for me and should be good enough for ANYONE else. Plus, when they finally get Detroit back up and runnin, man, peoplell be lined up to move to the mitten. Thats why I got my spot all picked out and warmed up. Im a Michigan man, and I bleed Tiger orange and blue.

A couple years ago, I was gettin real steamed from puttin up with all kinds of family crap, and really bein held back from my true calling as the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Always figured Id make a good writer cause I got all kindsa ideas about business, entertainment, and rockin. Plus, I had some guy feelins I needed to sort out. So I started puttin pen to paper, sometimes wrote stuff on my Dell (My roommate Dave broke like two of em. Idiot. Had to get the files transferred. Real hassle), Arbys bags, on TP in the john, a few walls in our pad, the fridge, some spots on the Internet, just tellin my story. Then, a little while ago, I gathered it all up as much as I could and thought, man, its like Ive been gettin cooler than ever, and maybe its time for the world and the USA and everyone to see how stuff isnt so bad sometimes if you just keep rockin with the heat of a thousand suns.

Sadly, theres a bunch of stuff in here that talks about crap you wouldnt expect from such a cool customer like myself. Mostly in the BM department. But thats a part of life, I guess, and if you wanna tell a true story, you gotta include the nasty parts. Lets face it, usin the john is a major time for reflection on the world around us. Am I right? Anyway, you have to push through those parts to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Ha! (Just some guy humor there.) Maybe you could edit some of it out or make me look more sensitive? Babes dig a sensitive man, you guys. To be honest, Im keepin it chillin with primo babes from coast to coast, and pretty sure theyd still be down to rock, especially when the book comes out. Authors are some of the boldest bad boys of all time, and everyone knows babes crave their carnal touch for the mind AND bod. (Im doin pretty righteous in the bod department, you guys. No complaints from ANY babe.)

So, back to the USA. Man, since were pretty much #1 in the world for everything, I think its important to see how a REAL bad boy handles things around here. The country might be better than ever right now, with opportunities, new eats, and booze drinks with bold flavors like never before, and the babes are so out of bounds you just gotta dip your shades to have a peep. Think Kid Rock said it best with Chillin the Most. Thats exactly what the USA is doin.

Sorry, think I might be kinda bombed. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now. Gotta focus. Kinda lost track of what I was talkin about. Guess my point is, is America lookin for the next bad boy author? Well, hes right here, amigos. And youre holdin the pages in your hands. So lets make this a go and get $$$ like never before, you guys.

United We Rock,

Karl Welzein

P.S. If you could get Bob Seger, Kid Rock, Guy Fieri, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kirk Gibson, or Ric Flair to write the foreword, thatd be off the chain.

P.P.S. Just leave all the dates and crap in. Otherwise it wont make sense to people readin when things are happenin and how time goes forward. Dont understand why all books arent like that. So stupid. Save a lotta writin for no reason.

Dear Reader,

The book you now hold in your hand is, perhaps, one of the most terrifying glimpses into the lows of American culture ever presented. Offered in an unflinching and entirely unedited manner, Power Moves is the life and times of a man who, for all intents and purposes, represents what our country has become.

We felt compelled to publish this ethnographic study of Karl Welzein, this everyman, in his natural habitat of Michigan in order to show just how far our country has fallen in the realm of consumerism, gluttony, and reckless abandonment of good health.

We present this book as a cautionary tale. It is not meant to laud the boorish and inappropriate behavior of this man. Instead, we hope that with this publication we have created a document that will impress upon every American that we can and should be clinging to the ideals of our forefathers with all the strength we can muster, before our country is destroyed.

We do, however, find this book highly entertaining.

Kindest regards,

The Publisher

THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 2010

Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

Was thinkin about getting the boat out if it isnt too cold. You never know what the weathers gonna be. My wife Ann keeps sayin that we should think about sellin the boat because we didnt use it enough last year. You cant use a boat when you spend every weekend at Target or some dumb friggin birthday party. Its such BS. Didnt say that to her, but its true.

I was out tinkerin in the shed last night and found an old Pam Anderson Playboy . Been waitin for Ann to hit Target again so I can give it a good flip-through. Feels like I never get any alone time to do what I want. Dang, forgot what a babe Pam was. Really smokin.

SUNDAY, APRIL 18, 2010

This morning I was supposed to go golfin, but Anns mom was late for brunch so I missed my tee time. I hate that cow. Was really lookin forward to givin my new Callaway driver a whirl. Ann saw the charge for it on the Visa statement and got all in a huff. She said we need to discuss big purchases. She must spend 400 dollars a week at Target and Ive never heard a word before the plastic gets swiped. Why is it ok for her to buy a cart full of crap that adds up to a wad of cash, but if I treat myself to one nice thing that costs a pretty penny, I catch hell for it? Sick of this. I could sure go for a few cold ones at Chilis. Really steamed and need to cool off.

At least I still have racquetball tomorrow.

MONDAY, APRIL 19, 2010

Stuff that sucked today:

1. Had to cancel racquetball. Forgot one of my two daughters has a dance recital. Goin to a dance recital instead of racquetball makes me wish I had my guy tubes tied.

2. Im sick of that Mexican guy at Subway judging me when I ask for ranch dressing on my footlong meatball sandwich. This is AMERICA, Tito.

3. Looks like they firewalled the Maxim website at work. Im a grown adult, I can look at whatever I want to on my break. Theres no nudity in Maxim , and its good to have a nice laugh in the middle of the day.

4. Just found out everyone at work calls me The Clogger behind my back. Feelin kinda down. It only happened once.

TUESDAY, APRIL 20, 2010

Stopped at 7-Eleven for a Breakfast Big Bite this morning. All Ann ever makes for breakfast is Cheerios. Cheerios dont stay with me all morning. Theres no protein. Its not brain food, and I work hard. When I was gettin back in the car, someone opened their door into the Sebring and dinged it. I just had it washed too. It made me so P.O.d, I spilled mustard on my shirt. Shouldve just went home and called it a day.