Eric Barker - Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong

To all the relationships Ive screwed up.

(Id list them, but I only get one page for the dedication.)

Henry Thomas Buckle once said:

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

Im here to discuss people.

Nobodys been shot yet. Yeah, I know, those arent the most reassuring words youve ever heard, but from where Im sitting, theyre downright optimistic.

Two guys tried to rob a convenience store, but the cashier hit the silent alarm. Police arrived, bad guys went barricade and took the cashier hostage. The Emergency Services Unita fancy way of saying SWATis now stacked up outside. NYPDs Hostage Negotiation Team has established contact.

Oh, and HNT has a special guest today. Thats me. Hi. For most of my life Ive been afraid of getting emails that read From Detective Thompson, NYPD, but I wanted to write a book on dealing with people and this seemed like a fun way to learn. Now Im here. Fun is not the first word that comes to mind. SWAT teams are mobilized, lives are on the line, and Im wishing I had opted instead to spend the weekend at some new-agey relationship seminar where fewer guns are pointed at people. I do all my own stunts, folks. The next five minutes are going to be the most stressful ten years of my life.

Oddly, the guy on the other end of the phone seems pretty nice. But its way too early to feel any kind of good about things. The first half hour of a hostage negotiation is the most dangerous. Theres no rapport, no transference, no anything to act as a buffer if things go sideways. Just adrenaline and fear.

As the negotiator starts talking with him, I quiz myself on proper procedure: Slow it down. Use active listening. Voice tone is important. Remember that your actions are contagious. But the single most important thing right now is: keep them talking. Because if theyre talking to you, theyre not shooting people. Unfortunately, hes no longer talking to us. The line just went dead. Things cannot get worse...

So, of course, they do. He calls back. But its not the same he. Its someone else. Someone whos speaking quickly and cursing a blue streak. I cant even follow everything this guy is saying. I do catch references to being an alum of the penal system, and killing two people years ago, along with a Whitmans Sampler of other felonies.

Dont freak out, I tell myself, totally freaking out. At the end of movies they always say, No animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture. My disclaimer might have to read, Very few people were harmed in the writing of this book.

The negotiator responds to the suspect: Sounds like youre frustrated. Yeah, thats an epic understatement, but its also a fundamental active listening technique: labeling. Giving the hostage takers emotion a name. Neuroscience research by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA has validated that labeling dampens powerful emotions. It also builds rapport by showing someone youre on their wavelength.

I am frustrated! You got an entire SWAT team out there?!? My nephews scared to death!

Nephew? Mirroring. Another pillar of active listening. In the form of a question, repeat the last thing they said. Keep em talking. And all the while youre getting more information and building rapport.

Yeah, you just talked to him... Look, I cant handle being out of prison. But I dont want that for him.

Sounds like youre concerned. For his future. You want him to get out of there safely. More labeling. More rapport. And slowly inching him in the direction you want this to go.

As they keep talking, the tone gradually shifts. The hostility starts to dissolve, and its almost like theyre working together to solve this problem. Its not long before the suspect sends the cashier out. Then his nephew. And soon after, hes surrendering.

Seeing the power of active listening in action hits me like a Frisbee to the face. I feel like I just watched a magic act, but instead of the magician reaching into the hat and pulling out a rabbit, he pulled out a Lexus. This method not only changes minds, it gets people to drop guns and accept prison sentences. Im thrilled. Thrilled that I have the key to my next book and thrilled that it wasnt me on the phone.

The negotiator turns to me: Eric, your turn to be on the phone.

Oh, did I forget to mention that this was a training simulation? Oopsie. (Please dont call me an unreliable narrator; itll make my mother think Im an author who doesnt pay his rent on time.) Despite this being fake, theres a good reason my adrenaline was spiking. The NYPDs training facility is spectacular. Its the size of an airport terminal and reminiscent of a Hollywood studio backlot. There are realistic sets for the most common hostage incident locations: a bank lobby, a police intake unit, a rooftop jumper scenario, and a convenience store (complete with Oreos). Professional actors play the roles of perpetrators and hostages. They take this more seriously than Ive ever taken anything. And rightfully so. (In fact, at the request of the NYPD, I altered some elements of the scenario to keep their training protocols confidential.)

After a generous dose of simulated terror, I couldnt feel better. I climbed the mountaintop to study with the Zen masters of people skills and achieved relationship enlightenment. Im still over the moon as were hanging out after training. I found the skeleton key to human communication: active listening. Now I know what everyone needs to improve their relationships at home...

By the way, this stuff doesnt work at home. It was one of the negotiators.

Huh? I think my heart just stopped.

With your spouse. These techniques wont work at home with your spouse. Another negotiator nods and chuckles as if to say Aint that the truth. My jaw drops. Along with my will to live. So this incredible system for dealing with people wont work when your wife is angry or your husband is being a jerk? It can save a life but not a marriage? I want to scream at them: Dont you realize I have a book to write and need answers that make for good sound-bites?

But I dont. I take a deep breath. I may not know a lot about dealing with gun-toting bank robbers, but I know a fair amount about psychology. And pretty much every form of marriage therapy recommends active listening during conflict. I go back to my hotel and double-check. And Im right. It is recommended by everyone...

It just doesnt work. Every marriage therapist (and me) is wrong. The hostage negotiators are right. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington, actually put it to the test. Active listening sounds great. And it works well in scenarios like hostage negotiation or therapy where the practitioner is a third party and has some distance from the problem. But marital arguments are different; theyre about you not taking out the trash. Mirroring, labeling, and accepting all emotions when youre being screamed at by your spouse are about as natural as telling someone not to run away or hit back when physically assaulted. Gottman found that people just couldnt do it in the heat of the moment. And in follow-up studies, with the few couples who actually could actively listen, it showed only short-term benefits. Couples quickly relapsed.

In hostage negotiation short-term benefits are fine. Works long enough to get the guy in handcuffs? Perfect. But in a marriage that will (hopefully) last longer than hours or days, its a disaster. Therapists recommended it, but until Gottman, nobody had actually tested it. Except the hostage negotiators. Maybe thats why research shows that only 1825 percent of couples report any improvements one year after marriage therapy.