Dave Barry - The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: and Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry

The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beerand Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry copyright 20 1 by Dave Barry . All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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I f, when you appear at the breakfast table, your wife laughs so hard that she spits out her toast, you should consider wearing a different tie.

T he commitment problem has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust, but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, hell squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty, and hide under the refrigerator of nonreadiness.

T he most sensible way to ask a girl out is to walk directly up to her on foot and say, So, you want to go out? Or what? I never did this. I knew that there was always the possibility that the girl would say no, thereby leaving me with no viable option but to leave Harold C. Crittenden Junior High School forever and go into the woods and become a bark-eating hermit whose only companions would be the gentle and understanding woodland creatures.

Hey, ZITFACE ! the woodland creatures would shriek in cute little Chip n Dale voices while raining acorns down upon my head. You wanna DATE ? HAHAHAHAHAHA .

I n college, I played in a rock band whose major musical credential was printed business cards. We felt that it was artistically important to have long, straight hair, so that when we got to the climactic part of Twist and Shout, where the lyrics are, quote, ah, ahh, ahhh, ahhh, AHHHHHHHH Shake it up BABY now, we could whip our hair around our faces in a dramatic fashion to indicate deep emotion.

I think the Mens Movement is a fine idea. Im definitely out of touch with my own masculinity, a fact that was driven home when our bathroom ceiling collapsed. A virile man would have known how to fix it. But I am totally out of touch with my masculine nature, so all I could do was call a plumber. He went into the attic and, following his natural masculine instinct, knew immediately what to do: Call for more plumbers. Soon there was a whole tribal gathering up there, virile men who were not afraid to crawl around the attic and confront naked plumbing and shout and roar and pound on things. They might also have been hugging. I stayed downstairs, making coffee and keeping the checkbook warm.

M ost American guys are reluctant to use fragrances on the theory that if you start wearing perfume, youre heading down a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to rouge, leotards, watching Oprah, etc. So most guys prefer to emit only natural male aromas such as B.O. and ketchup.

I hate to engage in gender stereotyping, but when women plan the menu for a recreational outing, they usually come up with a nutritionally balanced menu featuring all the major food groups , including the Sliced Carrots Group, the Pieces of Fruit Cut into Cubes Group, the Utensils Group, and the Plate Group. Whereas guys tend to focus on the Carbonated Malt Beverages Group and the Fatal Snacks Group.

T he fundamental question: How can a guy say hes not ready to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman with whom he has been intimate for years; a woman who once drove his dog to the veterinarian in her new car when it (the dog) started regurgitating violently after eating an entire birthday cake, including candles, that she made from scratch for him (the guy), the result being that her car will smell like a stadium rest room for the next five years, at the end of which this guy will probably still say hes not ready?

W hy is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?

E xamples of pointlessly destructive or hurtful macho guy behavior include:

Guys at sporting events getting into shoving matches and occasionally sustaining fatal heart attacks over such issues as who was next in line for pretzels.

Guys on the street making mouth noises at women.

Boxing.

Foreign policy.

S teroids, as you know, are substances that some guys put in their bodies in an effort to develop bulging, rippling, sharply defined muscles like the ones Michael Keaton wore in Batman. This is foolish, because women are not attracted to rippling, sharply defined muscles. Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in body-building circles, as the newspaper columnist.