Marion Appleby - Man Fail: Stupid Things Men Do

First published in Great Britain in 2012 by
Michael OMara Books Limited
9 Lion Yard
Tremadoc Road
London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Michael OMara Books Limited 2012

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-84317-698-5 in paperback print format
ISBN 978-1-84317-985-6 in EPub format
ISBN 978-1-84317-986-3 in Mobipocket format

Illustrations by Andrew Pinder

www.mombooks.com

The Simpler Sex

Somebody terribly clever once said that it was human to err. By err they did of course mean fail, and by humans they did in fact mean men as will become clear as you read this book. And read it you must, men, not least to feel better about yourselves. Because you cannot possibly be as thoughtless as the Russian man who forfeited his wife during a game of cards; as hapless as the hopeless man who was shot by his own dog; or as daft as the dimwit who impaled himself through the eyeball on his own secateurs. So read this book, men, read it, puff out your chests and be thankful that you are not them.

As for the female readership: consider this book a warning there are some very silly men out there, and they know not what theyre doing. You dont want to marry a man who thinks its sensible to get a tattoo that runs down the length of his penis; you definitely dont want to end up dating the sort of man who accidentally nails himself to the wall with a power tool during a spot of DIY; and you certainly dont want to wake up next to a chap who prefers to do his weekly food shop without any shoes on.

No. You can do better than this, so use this book as a handy guide. After reading it, you should be able to spot them from a mile off.

Stupid Cupids

Men generally arent the most romantic of souls, but some chaps really do take the biscuit, as well see in the following pages. Goodness knows what possessed one dumb dope to think pinching a stranger on the bottom was a viable substitute for a How dya do?, or why another lovesick fool thought it wise to bury his prospective (and, it seemed, very hungry) fiances engagement ring inside a muffin...

For Better or... Nah, Forget It

Grooms, be warned what happens in Vegas doesnt always stay in Vegas, as one foolish reveller found out when he dabbled on his stag weekend in Sin City. Having hooked up with a lady to whom he was not betrothed, the blundering idiot then failed to cover his tracks, leaving incriminating texts on his mobile phone for his (lawyer) fiance to find on his return. He decided to cancel the wedding, for which his bride-to-be had paid in full; she then decided to sue him for the entire cost of the ceremony, which came to a rather unromantic total of $62,814.

Cheeky Boy

If you must indulge in some bottom-pinching, its best to make sure that its a) someone you know, and b) not a policewoman. Sadly this didnt stop Englishman Bradley Richards from giving Police Community Support Officer Claire Jones a quick nip on the arse after asking for her number. His sentence for common assault suggests she wasnt so forthcoming.

With This Muffin I Thee Wed

Calling all would-be proposers think long and hard before you hide the engagement ring in your future fiances food. One poor Chinese chap learned the hard way when he hid a ring worth 500 in a muffin and his girlfriend promptly ate the whole thing. Doctors had to perform endoscopic surgery to remove the bling. Said the romantic fool, Im not sure she will ever feel very comfortable wearing it, even though I spent hours cleaning it for her.

First-Date Jitters?

A first date in North Carolina came to an abrupt end when the man somehow shot himself in the leg. Putting paid to any plans he might have had for coffee, the unfortunate chap managed to shoot himself after laying his hands on a gun located underneath his car seat as he prepared to drive his date home. Police ruled that the shooting was accidental, although they sadly failed to confirm whether the unlucky couple made it to a second date.

Sibling Rivalry

The groom at a wedding in India arrived at his own nuptials so intoxicated the bride refused to marry him. Proceedings, however, didnt end in total disaster, as the bride decided to marry the grooms (younger, more sober) brother instead. Although the intended groom apologized for his behaviour, his pleas were ignored and he was reported to have been seen crying and wailing about how he would never find another woman to marry him.

Apple of His Eye

A man in Zimbabwe was forced to serve up a whole tray of humble pie when he called a prostitute to his hotel room and opened the door to... his daughter. He collapsed to the floor in shock, his daughter bolted, and his wife admitted to newspaper reporters that their marriage was troubled.

FAIL

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

Bob Dole, one-time Republican presidential candidate

Target Practice

Chivalry may not be dead, but, chaps, you might want to think twice before agreeing to carry your girlfriends gun. After offering to take care of his fiances pink pistol during a trip to the supermarket, Joshua Seto experienced some difficulty securing the firearm and promptly shot himself in the crown jewels. According to reports, It was unclear whether he suffered any permanent damage from the incident.

Baby Rage

Although your first-born can induce a fair degree of stress, most dont act as expectant father Charlie Humphreys from Bristol did. While driving his girlfriend to hospital, where she was due to give birth, the miscreant found himself embroiled in a road-rage incident that led him to punch a stranger repeatedly in the face. After a rather bizarre mix-up in which Humphreys mistakenly thought a car horn was being honked at him, he decided to leave his vehicle and assault another driver. Worse still, while he was doing so, one of his fellow passengers stole the victims car. Humphreys was sentenced to 200 hours of community service.