Tom Scharpling - It Never Ends

Copyright 2021 Tom Scharpling

Cover 2021 Abrams

Published in 2021 by Abrams Press, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020944993

ISBN: 978-1-4197-4792-2

eISBN: 978-1-64700-032-5

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To Sue and Tom, aka my parents. One is gone, but both of you are with me every day. You make every other so-called parent look like a pile of discarded diapers.

In the summer of 2019 I was walking around a Midtown Manhattan bookstore with my friend Sammi Skolmoski, talking about the book that youre currently reading. Sammi was visiting from Chicago and we took a night to discuss some of the more philosophical aspects of writing a memoir. Sammi is a very funny writer and for years she has been saying that I should write a book. As much as I fantasized about someday becoming an author, I never felt ready. A book is supposed to be a work of art, I would insist. Have you actually seen the kinds of books that get published? she would counter.

Yes, I know that football bro Rob Gronk Gronkowski is a published author. And Kiss bassist Gene Simmons has slapped his name on a half dozen bestsellers. But I grew up worshipping books. If I was ever going to write one it would need to be great! Id rather die than have my name barfed onto the cover of one of those tomes with huge type that far too many comedians churn out. There was a point where famous people would compile their tweets into a book! Charging for tweets! The hubris!

People in my life would gently remind me that I needed to stop complaining about the ocean of undeserving clowns who proudly call themselves author. Instead of moaning, it was my turn to BECOME one of those clowns! I thought about it for another two yearsIm sometimes slow with making decisions; youll see its a running theme throughout this bookbefore I finally acquiesced. So what made me change my mind? One day while floating around a bookstore, I decided to check out the new releases table. And sitting front and center was a self-help manual by DJ Khaled called The Keys. I never picked up the book but Im assuming it consists of pages written by other authors with an occasional DEEEEEE JAYYYYY KHALED typed at the start of every chapter. This was the moment that I knew I had literally nothing to lose. If that buffoon could write a book, I could write a book. It was time for me to tell my story!

While I have read more than a million booksmostly rock and showbiz biographiesI had never actually written one, so I needed some help. Sammi dispensed some serious wisdom as we walked around the Union Square chain bookstore whose name I will not utter (it rhymes with Blarnes & Blowble and the branch we were in is located a few doors down from the final location of Andy Warhols Factory, which is currently a PetSmart). We talked about the books title. Sammi wanted to know exactly why I was calling this book It Never Ends.

I started to explain myself as we drifted past the Psychology section. I caught a glimpse of some of the titles scattered throughout the shelves and stopped dead in my tracks. Look at this, I said, zeroing in on the books. Any one of these would work as the title of my book.

Some of the titles included:

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

The Trauma of Everyday Life

Duped

Let Me Not Be Mad

Going to Pieces without Falling Apart

The Invisible Gorilla

Weve Been Too Patient

Are u ok?

Lost at Sea

Good Reasons for Bad Feelings

You Are Now Less Dumb

I turned to Sammi and said, These are all perfectly good book titles, but it wouldnt be the same. I will tell you why I chose It Never Ends, but before I do, this bookstore has one of the only unlocked bathrooms in the city, so Ill be right back.

I excused myself and promptly entered the mens room. This particular Blarnes & Blowble featured a restroom that was wide-open to any New Yorker with the capacity to pretend they were shopping for a book. Every trip inside this bathroom was a spin of a disgraceful carnival wheel; where will it land this time? An open issue of Penthouse on the mens room floor? A bare-assed man pissing at the urinal with his pants and underwear lowered around his ankles?

Today delivered a special treat. Some mystery person was in the bathroom stall blasting an episode of Joe Rogans podcast on their phone. I was tempted to knock on the door and ask the listener whether they knew that Joes website sold Star Warsrelated workout equipment like a Death Star slam ball and a Han Solo frozen in carbonite yoga mat, but opted instead to do my toilet business and not court my own toilet murder. I made a quick escape and rejoined Sammi, telling her the tale that led me to call this book It Never Ends.

If my stories were songs, this would be one of my biggest hits. It would be my Hey Jude. My Purple Rain. My Despacito (featuring Justin Bieber). The best stories feature a bunch of ridiculous elements that line up in a way that creates magic. I have told this tale on the radio and people love it so much that they regularly throw it in my face at any opportunity. Its that good of a story! On second thought this one should be my Because the Night since it involves punk legend Patti Smith.

The year was 2015. I was in San Francisco with my comedy partner Jon Wurster. We were being honored by the SF Sketchfest with an evening billed as A SF Sketchfest Tribute to Scharpling & Wurster. For the uninitiated, I have been hosting a call-in radio show for the last twenty years called The Best Show. While most of the callers are real, Jon and I write and perform funny scripted calls within the body of the show. Jon will dial in as any number of beloved creations, like Philly Boy Roy (a lovable Rocky-loving meathead from Philadelphia) or Roland the Gorch Gorchnick (a violent senior citizen who claims the character of Fonzie was based on his days as a hoodlum back in the 1950s). We have spent years crafting literally hundreds of hours of comedy and now we were being honored for our dedication. It was a special night.

The Sketchfest organizers put us up in a nice hotel in the Japan-town neighborhood for the length of our stay. On the first day, I was in the hotel elevator when I looked over and realized I was standing across from the one and only Patti Smith. Now there are famous people and there are legends. Jim Belushi is a famous person but most people wouldnt step across a puddle to tell him how much they enjoyed