Kate Kaufmann - Do You Have Kids?: Life When the Answer Is No

Want to visualize life once you know youre not having children? Do You Have Kids? offers facts, figures, and research findings, deftly woven in between copious and delightfully honest interviews with people who dont have children.

MAXINE TRUMP, award-winning director of
childfree film To Kid or Not to Kid

A destigmatizing resource for childless and childfree women and their families, healthcare personnel, employers, and policy-makers. Women will find solace, resonance, and empowerment in this beautifully written book.

MARJORIE GREENFIELD MD, Professor and Vice Chair,
Obstetrics and Gynecology University Hospitals
Cleveland Medical Center, Case Western Reserve
University School of Medicine

A pioneering and comprehensive study that finally provides real space for the voices of thoughtful and complex women whose choices and circumstances have been ignored, patronized, or disparaged for far too long.

JO SCOTT-COE, author of MASS: A Sniper, a Father,
and a Priest

This book is a treasure that details what childlessness can be like. For the childless and childfree, and those still deciding their reproductive futures, Kaufmann offers the insights youve been looking for about faith, prying questions, and so much more.

KAREN MALONE WRIGHT, founder, TheNotMom.com &
The NotMom Summit

Do You Have Kids? debunks one-dimensional stereotypes and delves into the cultural complexities faced by women who are not mothers. A much-needed look at the different paths taken that offers insight into the roles played by a growing slice of our population.

PAMELA M. TSIGDINOS, author of Silent Sorority: A (Barren)
Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost, and Found

Do You Have Kids? opened my eyes to what it might be like not to have children. Written with heart and frankness, its guidance and examples will be especially helpful to anyone wanting to explore sensitive topics and deepen relationships.

IRIS GRAVILLE, author, Hiking Naked: A Quaker Womans
Search for Balance

DO YOU
HAVE KIDS?

LIFE WHEN
THE ANSWER
IS NO

Copyright 2018 by Kate Kaufmann

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published April 2, 2019

Printed in the United States of America

Print ISBN: 978-1-63152-581-0

E-ISBN: 978-1-63152-582-7

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018954595

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1563 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

Interior design by Tabitha Lahr

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of certain individuals.

Anne, mother of my heart, for her support since the first time I spoke in public about not having children,

Deb, who accompanied me on the beach walk that initiated my quest and has become one of my most cherished dear friends,

Jenny, who urged me to take my writing seriously and continually champions me and my work,

And the hundreds of women who shared their stories about what its like creating life without having children.

A new friend and I walk along a near-deserted beach, kicking sand, talking as women do when getting better acquainted. I inhale, then pose the question I always dread hearing and never ask. Simply to get it over with.

Do you have kids?

No, I dont, she answers. You?

No.

We stroll in silence for a while, drifting through the expanse of sand that engulfs us. Ive wanted to talk about life without kids for a long time. So I ask if shes okay discussing the subject. She is.

We talk about how we define our lives, what matters to us, how we are different than our sisters and friends with children of their own. It is fascinating. Neither of us has ever talked like this before.

As the years pass our friendship grows, and we keep talking. Sometimes we include another childless friend or two in the conversation.

Nowadays, every once in a while, we host small gatherings of women who likewise dont have kids. We talk about how our lives are impacted in many ways by the absence of offspring, including health, spirituality, and how we define family. Money, end-of-life planning, how we spend holidays. Like us, these women rarely talk about these topics with other people, even with women they know who also dont have children.

Some of us failed to conceive. Others opted out or chose not to risk passing on genetic conditions. Bottom line: no one has sprung from our loins. Thats not bad or good, just different.

There are things we non-moms know little about, like labor pains, imposing teen curfews, what it feels like when a daughter becomes a mother herself.

There are other things we often know quite a lot about continuous learning or personal independence or donating to a college fund for a child we may never meet. Such things are not off-limits to mothers, of course, we simply have more capacity in our lives to pursue them.

Why does this matter? For one, because women without kids are everywherea sister, an aunt, a childs favorite teacher. Depending on when they were born, one of every five or six women over age forty-five will never have children. Thats double the ratio just one generation ago. Todays younger daughters and granddaughters may well grow up to join us. Childlessness could double again as Gen X and millennial women consider their partnering options, the economics of raising a family, and the impact of population growth on our planet.

As todays young women contemplate motherhood, who do they turn to with their questions if theyre considering a path that doesnt include making babies? Or learn they might not have them because of infertility or lack of a viable partner? I wish Id had older non-moms to confide in and seek guidance from.

But after my husband and I moved away from the city in which we metfirst to the suburbs, then to a small rural communityI rarely met other childless women. When I did I was unsure how to broach the subject without feeling like I was prying. If I spoke up, and mothers were in the group, theyd quickly console me or point out all the kids I have in my life nieces and nephews and my friends kids. Or talk about pets. That was nice, but the women I wanted to hear from, the ones like me, mostly kept mum.

--

Now my days of timidity are over. Ive become sensitively unabashed about asking the same question I balked at posing that day on the beach. Not to get it over with anymore, but so we can get into the nitty-gritty. Ive had a chance to learn from women of all ages who dont have children. Exploring others lives has opened up options for living I never knew existed.