Adam Sharp - Euphemisms That Get on My You-Know-Whats: And Other Meticulously Assembled Lists of Extremely Valuable Nonsense

Euphemisms That Get on My You-Know-Whats 2021 Adam Sharp. All rights reserved. No part o f this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case o f reprints in the context o f reviews. Andrews McMeel Publishing a division o f Andrews McMeel Universal 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106 www.andrewsmcmeel.com ISBN: 978-1-5248-7321-0 Library o f Congress Control Number: 2021934840 First published as The Correct Order o f Biscuits in Great Britain in 2020 by Trapeze, an imprint o f The Orion Publishing Group Ltd. ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please email the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department: .

For my dad, who loved lists also For my granddad, who raised me For my mum, who was gone too soon 3. I f people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. Ludwig Wittgenstein 2. To appreciate nonsense requires a serious interest in life. Gelett Burgess 1. List, list, O, list! William Shakespeare

INTRODUCTION A list o f options for the introduction 5.

A lengthy anecdote about the time, while still in diapers, that I wrote my first ever list 4. An essay on why I love lists so much (which cleverly implies that Im the worlds leading listologist) 3. A look at the psychology o f list-making (is my list-making compulsion related to the Oedipus complex? OCD? Could I have tendencies toward serial killing?) 2. A look at some great lists/list-makers throughout history (Moses, for example, was super into them) 1. Just get on with it A list o f New Years resolutions 1. Make longer lists A list o f the worst lyrics ever conceived 7.

You look fresh like a salad, so smooth (BTS) 6. Are we human, or are we dancer? (The Killers) 5. Even food dont taste that good (Bryan Adams) 4. Im as serious as cancer, when I say rhythm is a dancer (Snap) 3. Life, oh life, oh life, oh life (Desree)* 2. Like a tramp in the night, I was begging for you (Samantha Fox) 1.

Santas on his sleigh, but now hes two meters away (Robbie Williams) * The Desree song Life also boasts the immortal lines, I dont want to see a ghost / Its a sight that I fear most / Id rather have a piece o f toast. This comes from Robbie Williamss COVID-19 Christmas song, Cant Stop Christmas, which also includes lines such as Sadly some friends disappeared / Its never been like this before (ooh, ooh) and I f youre wondering what I like / Stacks o f sanitizer will do fine. A list o f how dogs go woo f woo f in different languages (a ruf f approximation) 8. Vof f vof f (Icelandic) 7. Lol lol (Tamil) 6. Bup bup (Catalan) 5.

Ham ham (Albanian) 4. Woke woke (Burmese) 3. Gong gong (Malay) 2. Wang wang (Mandarin) 1. Baw f (Scots) A list o f words that sound rude but arent 10. Fallacious 9.

Kumquat 8. Penal 7. Cleat 6. Succulent 5. Titular 4. Gesticulate 3.

Rectory 2. Manhole 1. Pumpkin (vegetable or incest?)

A list o f English Regency slang 8. Dicked in the knob (crazy) 7. The apple dumplin shop (breasts) 6. Lapping your congo (drinking tea) 5.

The mulligrubs (feeling down) 4. A jaw-me-dead (a talkative person) 3. Irish apricots (potatoes) 2. Killing the canary (avoiding work) 1. My arse on a bandbox (like hell I will) A list o f Kim Jong-ils achievements (according to his official biography) 7. Learned to walk (three weeks old) 6.

Learned to talk (eight weeks old) 5. Wrote 1,500 books and six full operas (in college) 4. Shot eleven holes-in-one in a gol f game 3. Controlled the weather with his mind 2. Invented the hamburger 1. Never had to poop

A list o f things I feared as a kid but now rarely worry about 8.

Quicksand 7. Laser beams 6. The Bog o f Eternal Stench 5. Daleks 4. Venus flytraps 3. Spontaneous combustion 2.

Knight Rider getting canceled 1. The wind changing and my face getting stuck that way*

* You may be thinking thats quite a short list, and I was some serious badass as a child, but alas, there were plenty o f other things I fearedsuch as sharks in swimming pools, stepping on cracks in the pavement, holding on to a balloon too long and floating away with it, Miss May (scary art teacher), Venger from Dungeons & Dragons , a tree growing inside my stomach (from swallowing apple seeds), the Bermuda Triangle, railway lines, piranhas, rabies, acid rain, moths, and, finally, scarecrowswhich, unlike the rest o f the list, still terrify me to this day. A list o f things I never worried about as a kid that terrify me as an adult 7. Parties 6. Talking to people at parties 5. Loud neighbors moving in (and having parties) 4.

Dying alone 3. Making grammatical errors 2. People standing too close 1. Keanu Reeves turning out to be evil A list o f the top ten greatest animals ever 10. Animals 9. Are 8.

Sentient 7. Beings 6. Not 5. Objects 4. To 3. Ranked 1. Ranked 1.

Penguins*

* Why penguins rule, part 823: In the 1990s, a king penguin called Lala was rescued from a fishing net by the Nishimoto family. They built him his own air-conditioned room, and he was even trained to waddle into town to collect groceries (wearing a specially made Pingu backpack). Why penguins rule, part 967: In 2011, a retired bricklayer, Joo Pereira de Souza, found a Magellanic penguin covered in oil. He nursed the penguin (who he named Dindim) back to health, and every year since, Dindim has returned to visit him (because penguins are the greatest!). A list o f tribute act names* 7. By Jovi (Bon Jovi) 6.

Gwen in Doubt (Gwen Stefani and No Doubt) 5. Cheap Purple (Deep Purple) 4. Sgt. Peppers Only Dart Board Band (The Beatles) 3. Petty Theft (Tom Petty) 2. Earth, Wind for Hire (Earth, Wind & Fire) 1.

Amy Housewine (Amy Winehouse) A bonus list o f suggested names for vegan cover bands 5. The Tofu Fighters (The Foo Fighters) 4. Quo n (Ko n) 3. Rage Against the Sardine (Rage Against the Machine) 2. Noah and the Whaling Ban (Noah and the Whale) 1. Soy Division (Joy Division) * I f ever Im in a Fleetwood Mac tribute act, I will insist we be called Fleetwood PC (and our business cards will say, nowhere near as good but much cheaper).

A list o f Victorian slang 8. Gigglemug (always smiling) 7. Scandal water (tea) 6. Bitch the pot (pour the tea) 5. Got the morbs (temporary sadness) 4. Tight as a boiled owl (drunk) 3.

Poked up (embarrassed) 2. Sauce-box (the mouth) 1. Not up to dick (unwell) A list o f things greedy people want in different languages 7. To have their cake and eat it (English) 6. To have the porridge and the mustache (Tamil) 5. To dance at two weddings (German) 4.