Erika L. Sánchez - Crying in the Bathroom

I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter

Lessons on Expulsion

I grew up thinking I didnt matter, that no one cared what I had to say. The world didnt see me, a daughter of working-class Mexican immigrants, and what it did see, it considered disposable, inconsequential. I rarely found portrayals of anyone like mebookish and poor and surly and Brownin the art that I enjoyed. I searched everywhere for a model for the life I wanted, but found few. I wanted to be a writer and travel around the world, but I had no idea how I was going to make that happen. I saw only snippets of that kind of life here and there. Texts like the poetry of Sandra Cisneros were a lifeline. Here was a Mexican girl from Chicago whod become a writer and traveled alone through Europe. But texts like hers were rare finds for me, because, it seemed, I was the only one in my immediate vicinity looking for them. My teachers didnt often teach books by people of color, and I didnt have mentors or access to the internet, which was rudimentary at that time. The libraries in my community were so limited and hostile toward children that I began stealing books from the bookstore. Today, of course, I know that there were other books out there at the time that spoke to who I was, but they didnt make it into my hands very often. So when no template existed, I did what Lucille Clifton wrote about in her poem wont you celebrate with me and made it up.

When I began writing about this life that Id made up, I was plagued by a nagging voice that asked, Erika, who the fuck cares? The answer was always a memory of how deeply affirming it was for me to discover myself in the little art that declared a story like mine worthy. I wanted a place for myself in this tradition, and when I began seeking more texts of women writers while in college, I started to see where I fit in. I consider Toni Morrison the patron saint of my writing. To write with her level of honesty and clarity is my North Star. Virginia Woolf is referenced in this book again and again, both for her work and for her tragic life, which, I suppose, are one and the same. Sor Juana Ins de la Cruz became a model for my rebellion. And the list goes on and on. None of my books could have been written without these extraordinary authors. Im indebted to all the women who came before, those who paved the way as well as those whose talents were extinguished, buried, or sublimated because the world was afraid of their strength. Its thanks to their rebellions, big and small, that I get to lead this extraordinary lifethat is, a life completely of my choosing. I am myself in a world that pressures me to be otherwise, a world that doesnt love me, wasnt built for me.

Women of color are regularly praised for our resilience, but whats too often overlooked is that our resilience is a response to so many forms of violence. For us, resilience is more than a noble trait; its a lifestyle that oppression has demanded of us. Either we adapt or we die.

Even so, we need not be mere caricatures. Our stories matter, despite what the rest of society would like us to believe. So here I present to you a series of my musings, misfortunes, triumphs, disappointments, delights, and resurrections. I have pieced this all together to the best of my ability, but I also acknowledge that memory is tricky, slippery, alive, and ever changing as the years pass. We all see different versions of the same thing. I have written the truest book I was capable of creating. Its the way Ive always made sense of the world and my life. Thank you for being on this earth with me.