Gustavo Arellano - Ask a Mexican

Cultural Understanding via Wetback Jokes

Mexicans! Spicy, wabby, drunk, dreamy. The downfall of the United States. Its salvation. Mexicans mow our lawns, graduate from college, fleece us dry. Theyre people with family valuesmachismo, many kids, big trucks. Our neighbors south of the border. Our future. Tequila!

Who doesnt love Mexicans? Whether theyre family, friends, or the gold-toothed wetbacks you (heart) to hate, Mexicans have been the focus of Americas obsession from the days of Sam Houston to todays multinational corporations. We give them jobs, ridicule them, and devour Mexican food as quickly as they do our social services. But we never bothered to know Mexicans. There never was a safe zone for Americans to ask our amigos about their ways, mainly because we never bothered to learn Spanish. Besides, how exactly would you ask a Mexican in person why, say, so many of them steal or why they use accents without earning a kick in the cojones ? A word, by the way, that no Mexican uses.

With this in mind, OC Weekly editor Will Swaim called me into his office in November 2004. OC Weekly is my home: an alternative newspaper based in Orange County, California, thats the best damn rag outside of Weekly World News. Seems he saw a billboard on the drive to work that featured a picture of a cross-eyed Mexican DJ wearing a Viking helmet.

That guy looks as if you could ask him any question about Mexicans and hell know the answer, he excitedly told me. Why dont you do it? Why dont you ask readers to send in questions about Mexicans, and you answer them?

My editor is an urbane, tolerant boss, yet he obsesses over Mexicans like all other good gabachos. I had entertained many of his questions about Mexican culture in my five years at the Weekly, from why Mexican men live with their parents until marriage to the Mexican affinity for transvestites. Will turned to me not just because I was the only Latino on staff and trim his trees on the side, but because my backgroundchild of Mexican immigrants (one illegal!), recipient of a masters degree in Latin American studies, a truthful beanerput me in a unique position to be an authority on all things Mexican.

I snorted in disbelief at Wills request: while it was fun to answer his questions, I didnt believe anyone else would care. My boss persisted. We were desperate to fill our news section the week he saw that Mexican DJ billboard. Besides, he promised, it was a onetime joke that we would scrap if no one sent in questions.

That afternoon, I slapped together the following question and answer:

Dear Mexican, Why do Mexicans call white people gringos?

Dear Gabacho, Mexicans do not call gringos gringos. Only gringos call gringos gringos. Mexicans call gringos gabachos.

We named the column Ask a Mexican! and paired it with an illustration of the most stereotypical Mexican man imaginablefat, wearing a sombrero and bandoliers, with a mustache, stubbly neck, and a shiny gold tooth. My dad in his younger days. We laughed.

Reaction was instantaneous. Liberal-minded people criticized the logo, the columns name, its very existence. Conservatives didnt like how I called white people gabachos, a derogatory term a tad softer than nigger. Latino activists called Will demanding my resignation and threatened to boycott the Weekly . But more people of all races thought Ask a Mexican! was brilliant. And, more surprisingly, the questions poured in: Why do Mexican girls wear frilly dresses? Whats with Mexicans and gay-bashing? Is it true Mexicans make tamales for Christmas so their kids can have something to unwrap?

We still werent sold on the idea until about a month into the columns existence, when we held Ask a Mexican! one week because of space constraints. The questions swamped us anew: Wheres the Mexican? Why did you deport the Mexican? When will the Mexican sneak back?

The Weekly has run Ask a Mexican! every week since, and the column smuggled itself across America. Universities invite me to speak about it. I expanded it to two questions per week in May 2005 and began answering questions live on radio. The column now comes out in more than twenty papers and has a weekly circulation of more than one million. More important, questions keep invading my mailbox: Are Mexicans into threesomes? What part of illegal dont Mexicans understand? And whats with their love of dwarves?

Ask a Mexican! has transformed in the two years since its first printing from a onetime joke column into the most important effort toward improving U.S.-Mexico relations since Ugly Betty. But there is much work to do. The continued migration of Mexicans into this country ensures they will remain an exotic species for decades to come. Conflicts are inevitable, but why resort to fists and fights when you can take out your frustrations on me? Come on, America: Im your piata. As the following pages will show, I welcome any and all questions. Shake me enough, and Ill give you the goods on my glorious race. But be careful: this piata hits back.

This book offers the fullest depiction of Mexicans in the landnot the same tired clichs of immigrants and mothers but a nuanced, disgusting, fabulous people. I answer not so much to inform but to debunk stereotypes, misconceptions, and myths about Americas spiciest minority in the hope that Americans can set aside their centuries-long suspicion of Pancho Villas sons and hijas and accept Mexicans for what they are: the hardest-working, hardest-partying group of new Americans since the Irish.

In this book are a couple of the best Ask a Mexican! s Ive published, along with serious essays and new preguntas so that fans of the column will buy this pinche book instead of finding them online. And for ustedes who have never read the column? Flip the page.

Curse Words, Greasers,
and Lecherous Whistles

Dear Gabachos: Bienvenidos to Ask a Mexican!, the worlds foremost authority on Americas spiciest minority! The Mexican can answer any and every question on his race, from why Mexicans stick the Virgin of Guadalupe everywhere to our obsession with tacos and green cards. In the course of his answers, the Mexican will use certain terms and phrases for better-rounded answers. Here are the most used, along with handy Spanglish sentence examples so you too can become a Mexican. A wright, cabrones: laugh and comprende !

: An upside-down exclamation point. Put in front of an exclamatory sentence. Ohmidios, Jos brought his leaf blower into the living room!

: An upside-down question mark. Put in front of a question. Who gave Mara my old dress?