Ginger Howard Friedman - The Perfect Monologue: How to Find and Perform the Monologue That Will Get You the Part

by Bill Manhoff

pp. 614 (SAMUEL FRENCH, INC.)

The following is the scene as written by the playwright.

Doris: Hello, Pansyrat fink pansy!

Felix: You lied about your size!

Doris: You spideryou cockroach!

Felix: Youre making a mistake. Im afraid you have the wrong apartment.

Doris: I just wanted to get a look at you.

Felix: Its a mistake!

Doris: Oh will you listen to her! Mistake! You didnt spy on me from your window and call my landlord, huh?

Felix: I dont know you.

Doris: Well, I should have known! Any queer who peeps at girls through his window like a dirty weasel wouldnt be man enough to admit it.

Felix: You gained entry here under false pretensesYou have no right

Doris: Was it fun? Did you wish you could do what the big boys were doing?

Felix: I have no idea what youre talking about.

Doris: I have no idea what youre talking about. Come on, dont give me that! He told me. Youre the one that called all right. Sherman.

Felix: If you leave immediatelyI wont call the police

Doris: Call them. You said you would. You told Gould you were gonna call the police... you know you told him that, you slimy snailyou bedbug... you cockroach.

Felix: I advise you to curb your foul mouth and stop making obscenities out of Gods harmless little creatures.

Doris: Why dont you curb your foul rotten mind? Try to be a man for once.

Felix: Now listen to me

Doris: Youre lucky Im too refined to beat you upthe way I feel

Felix: Will you listen to me... youre insane!

Doris: Youre lucky I cant stand physical violence.

Felix: Now looksomething has happened to you obviously

Doris: ( Starting to get weepy. ) What has happened is that I have been thrown out of my room. At two oclock in the morning.

Felix: He did that? That was unnecessary.

Doris: Then you admit it. You called Gould, right?

Felix: I dont have to admit anything.

Doris: ( Going to window .) I dont know how you even saw anything this far away. You must have eyes like a vulture. Why did you pick on me? ( The flood of anger is running out, leaving her weak .) How dare you do something like this? I get sick when I think there are people like you! I took money from a couple of gentlemendid that hurt you?

Felix: ( Condescending .) You must expect a certain number of people to respect the laws. Thats what holds society together.

Doris: Three cheers for you! And Im not society, huh? I dont have to get held together?

Felix: My dear woman, you were breaking the law. If you find yourself in trouble it is only

Doris: ( She notices a pair of field glasses. She picks them up .) So this is how you saw! Oh now its bad enough with the naked eyebut with spyglassesnow that is just plain dirty, Mister. Im sorry! When you work at it this hardfilthy, Mister! Filthy, filthy!

Felix: ( Defensive .) Im a writer. A writer is an observer. I have a right to those.

Doris: You want me to tell you what youre full of?

Felix: I wouldnt expect you to understand.

Doris: You are nothing but a dirty, filthy Peeping Tom!

Felix: Why dont you ever pull down your window shade?

Doris: I never pull down my window shade. I hate window shades.

Felix: Thats your privilege, by all means.

Doris: I keep forgetting the world is full of finks. Thats my trouble. I ought to get it tattooed on the back of my handWatch out for Finks. ( Annoyed , FELIX suddenly sits at the typewriter and types rapidly on a white card which he then pins to the bulletin board. ) What are you doing? ( Reading it .) A rule worth making is worth keeping. What is that?

Felix: Thats to remind me never to open my door after midnight.

Doris: Why dont you make one to remind you to stop being a fink?

Felix: I wish you would stop using that ugly word.

Doris: You dont like it? Too bad! Fink. Pansy fink, Queer fink, Peeping Tom fink, fink fink, you fink!

Felix: Feel better? ( He goes to the door and opens it. ) If youre sure your poison sacs are empty you can go.