Lisa Boyer - Stash Envy: And Other Quilting Confessions And Adventures

Cover and Illustrations by Cheryl Benner

Design by Dawn J. Ranck

STASH ENVY

Copyright 2005 by Good Books, Intercourse, PA 17534

International Standard Book Number: 978-1-56148-503-1

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2005021821

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner, except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, without permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Boyer, Lisa.

Stash envy and other quilting confessions and adventures / Lisa Boyer.

p. cm.

ISBN 1-56148-503-9 (pbk.)

1. Quilting. 2. Quilts. I. Title.

TT835.B63525 2005

746.46--dc22

2005021821

Table of Contents

Quilt, Interrupted

Ah! Quilt Day has finally arrived! I clear the break-fast dishes, pour myself a cup of tea, and walk up the long flight of stairs that leads to my sewing room. On my way, I reflect upon my week and how Ive earned this day. Thursday, I did the laundry. Friday, I cleaned the house. Saturday was grocery day, and on Sunday I caught up on my correspondence and paid the bills. My laundry is done, my house is clean, my fridge is stocked. I am to ready enjoy a well-earned day of quilt-making!

In my sewing room, my stack of spring-green, jellybean pink, and butter-yellow fabric eyes me suspiciously. These fabrics fear the sharp new blade of my rotary cutter. Ah, tremble in fear, little fabrics, for you shall shortly be re-shaped into strips and forced to do my bidding. I am Quilting Queen of the World, and I proclaim today to be Quilt Day and .

Brrrrring. Uh-oh the phone. The phone isnt supposed to ring. Its not on the Royal Schedule. How can this happen on Quilt Day?

Brrrrrring! Brrrrrrring!

Hello? Oh a potluck tonight? Eight dozen cupcakes? Alright, Ill be there. Sigh

Okay, back to my fabrics. I wont think about the cupcakes now; Ill think about them later. I wonder if I have any cake mix. Kids wont notice if the cupcakes arent from scratch. I wonder what flavor I should make. Hey, wait a minute. Im thinking about cupcakes. I need to think about this fabric. Let me see, what size do I cut these strips?

Honey? My husbands voice drifts up the stairs. Do you know where the pfluumpkerp is?

Hmmm. I know he didnt really say pfluumpkerp, but thats what it sounded like. What rhymes with pfluumpkerp? Nothing that I can think of. But if I yell Whaaaat? back down the stairs, hell only say Huuhhhh? and that will snowball into an veritable avalanche of Whats? and Huhs? Resigned to my fate, I pry my unwilling fingers off my rotary cutter and go downstairs to help him find his elusive pfluumpkerp. From past experience, I know that when my husband cant find something, he usually needs help with how to work it, too. Putting it away when hes finished is also a problem.

An hour later I return. My tea is cold, but Im not going back downstairs to heat it. Im going to cut this fabric. Let me see how wide were those strips?

Suddenly, a soft and furry object brushes my ankles. Meow? my cat asks. Not now! I think. Theres food in your bowl. Its your favorite: Tender Scrambled Fish Cubes. Yummy! Unfazed, my cat looks up at me with wide green eyes full of love and devotion. Meow prrrrrt? he asks, beseechingly. Oh please! Just give me a few minutes. Let me cut just one strip.

The cat jumps up onto my fabric and presses his forehead against my cutting-arm elbow. Back downstairs I go. At least Ill be able to reheat my tea and thaw something for dinner. Uh-oh, wheres all this water on the kitchen floor coming from?

Two hours later, I return to my fabric. Miraculously, I am able to cut five strips before the phone rings again, the cat runs out of fish parts, and my husband misplaces his blirkenbat. Between these amusing distractions, I make lunch, clean up the dishes, and open a newly arrived batch of mail. By three oclock I cautiously climb the stairs, determined to sew my five hard-won fabric strips together. I sew one, two, three strips together. Excitedly, I check the instructions to see what the next step is. Its then that I notice that I should have sewn the yellow strip in the middle, not on the left side. No problem, I think; wheres my seam ripper?

At that moment, my son walks into my sewing room, just home from school. His shoulders are hunched, his brow is furrowed, and he looks like his world has collapsed. He plops himself down in my sewing chair. With downcast eyes, he stares at the floor. I had a bad day, he says. This girl said .

The Queen lays down her rotary-cutter scepter and quietly abdicates for today. Long Live the Queen of Quilting. Shell have to, if she ever wants to finish a quilt.

An Open Letter to the Worldwide Quilt Judging Organization

My Dear Esteemed Quilt Judges:

I have long felt that some changes are needed in the OFFICIAL WORLD QUILT JUDGING MANUAL. Since having nominated and appointed myself head representative of the Worldwide Dorky Homemade Quilt Association, I, Lisa Boyer, am hereby forwarding recommendations directly to you. I hope you will carefully consider these insightful changes, as I believe that they will help to create a kinder, gentler, more appreciative atmosphere for all the unfortunate quilts of the world.

Many admirable attributes of the quilt art form have been overlooked and undervalued for far too long. I address this problem here. Toward this purpose, I am proposing that the following point system be used in place of that old point system youve been torturing us with for over a century. (Honestly, arent you sick of straight seams and perfect stitches by now? Have you no compassion for pitiful quilts?) I submit here an entirely new system of scoring, with the following criteria:

1. (5 points) Effective Use of Quilt Lumps. Lumps may be of fabric or batting origin. Misplaced-quilting-tool lumps are disqualified, as are small rodents and/or household-pet lumps. Donuts and other food-stuffs may be awarded lump points, if accessible and edible. Points are awarded for the most effective design flow around the lump(s); in other words, lumps must look accidental and natural and must appear in the worst position imaginable. Quilt lumps inadvertently created in the bulls-eye center of a quilt are awarded bonus embarrassment points.

2. (Up to 20 points) Color Bravery. Imagination is finally rewarded in this category. Point increments are awarded as follows:

a. Inspire a judge to laugh at color choices. Chortles, giggles, and sighs do not receive full credit: 5 points.

b. Cause a judge to shake his/her head in abject bewilderment: 10 points.

c. Make a judge wince and develop a sudden headache: 15 points.

d. Force a judge to shield his/her eyes in order to avoid permanent retinal damage: 20 points.

3. (20 points) Creative Seam Engineering. Anyone can make a straight seam. Well, almost anyone. Okay, no one that I know personally. But straight seams are so unimaginative! This category rewards the adventurous seamthe seam that likes to take its time to fully explore the geography and lump-ography of the quilt. Full points are given for one complete seam that manages to travel 90 degrees or more from its original intended course. Puckers are awarded bonus points.