Robert Henry - A Married Mans Guide to Christmas

About the Author

Robert Henry is an acclaimed author of grocery lists, letters to his therapist, and skywriting slogans. His time in advertising led to his groundbreaking use of the words, But wait! Theres more!! that has become a mainstay of all infomercials. An acute student of human behavior that led to the mistaken charge of being a Peeping Tom, Mr. Henry brings his insight to the male animal known as The Married Man. He lives with his wife, Isabel, in Annandale, Virginia, a fact she denies. His awards include, Least Likely to Have Identity Stolen, fourth runner-up in the Most Attractive Armpit Competition and Mr. Congeniality in the Nose Hair Topiary Contest. His books can be read anywhere where fine literature is totally absent.

About the Illustrator

Bruce H. Bollinger is a nationally-known cartoonist, a veteran of Cracked magazine, and a test monkey for Zantac. He has drawn cartoons for greeting cards, books, comics, magazines, websites, newspapers, and really annoying bathroom walls. As ghost cartoonist for the famous Don Martin, Bruce has kept people laughing for yearsparticularly anyone who attends his annual prostate exams. His greatest contribution to this book was his suggestion, I dont think it should be round.

A Married Mans Guide to Christmas

by

By Robert Henry

Bell Bridge Books

Copyright

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead,) events or locations is entirely coincidental.

Bell Bridge Books
PO BOX 300921
Memphis, TN 38130
eISBN 978-1-61194-076-3
ISBN: 978-1-61194-081-7

Bell Bridge Books is an Imprint of BelleBooks, Inc.

Copyright 2011 by Robert Henry

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

A previous edition of this book was published by in 2008 by FlappyDuck Publishing, Inc.

We at BelleBooks enjoy hearing from readers.
Visit our websites www.BelleBooks.com and www.BellBridgeBooks.com.

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Cover design: Debra Dixon
Interior design: Hank Smith
Photo credits:
Illustration (manipulated) Bruce Bolinger

:Amam:01:

PRAISE FOR
A Married Mans Guide to Christmas

A work of art! A tour de force!

A flammable addition to any Yule log!

Jonathan Winkbottom, Northern Neck

The best stocking stuffer since Catherine Zeta Jones.

Bert Liverstad, basement apartment South Trenton, N.J.

It kept my husband busy and out of my underwear drawer for an entire night.

Clara Midgefitter, Homemaker/Dominatrix

I laughed so much, I spit out my ball gag!

Rev. Billy Cloppe, Divine Church of Lowered Expectations

I love Christmas, but only read in the bathroom. This book meets all my needs.

Wallstadler, On-site Manager Woodley Hills Mobile Home Park

Robert Henry is a genius!

Robert Henry, Annandale, Virginia

To Isabel

I showed you life is more fun when were silly. You showed me patience and love.

Acknowledgements

I would like to acknowledge the support and talent of Bruce MacKechnie, whose layout and design were essential to the creation of this book. I count him among my friends... along with Joseph Stalin, Pat Sajak, and that guy that sells me booze at the liquor store. I think his name is Marty. You know, the one with the nose whistle. I would also like to thank Carolyn Steele who helped in editing my manuscript. She knows that whole i before e crap that I skipped in school, probably because I was checking out the girls that look like Carolyn.

Chapter One

Tis the Season

Ah, the joy of the season. Christmas. Its just like family... one big, dysfunctional, overly critical, is this the best that you can do, Im coming to your house and staying for three weeks camped on the floor of your den, family. You love it and you cant wait for it to be gone.

There is probably no time of the year that we look forward to more. And there is probably nothing else that fills us with such dread. We can accept the ambivalence of our feelings, recognizing that our inner child is wrestling with an elf for control over a large, serrated knife aimed at the heart of one of Santas hoarded venison. Or, we can deny our feelings and just reach for a 16 oz. tumbler of our favorite bourbon. Therapy or booze? Thats the Christmas dilemma.

Having sidled close to heresy in suggesting that Christmas might not be all the flock its cracked up to be, let me be clear. I like Christmas. My holiday memories are dear to me, matched only by my memory of finding my dads stash of Playboys buried in the bottom of his closet back in the summer of 65. I am moved in special ways.

However, I must give the season its due. It is insidious in nature, promising moist eyes of joy at the sound of silver bells, while concurrently dredging up memories of Uncle Norman dressed as Mrs. Claus, just because he loves the feel of a red velvet brassiere.

Christmas is the sight of a lit Christmas tree in the park, with an even more well-lit bum taking a leak on the bulbs. Its about the sounds of carols sung on a crystal night with stars beaming hope to all of us. And its the tinny squawking of eight-track tunes over a speaker at the tree lot with lights beaming into the semi-bearded faces of sweaty men who are saying, They all lose a few needles, guy.

Its no wonder that we get manic-depressive about the season. We feel good about dropping a buck into the red bucket next to the bell ringer standing in front of K-Mart. On the other hand, we find ourselves online shopping for large caliber weapons that are suitable for giving real sincerity to our feelings about the dozens of charity telemarketers who are calling us at all hours to open our hearts.

Over the years I have tried to make some sense of Yuletide. I am not alone. Look into the glassy eyes of a coworker describing his route from in-law to outlaw to favorite aunt to church to pageant to party, during the period that roughly covers the last ten days of the year. The logistics alone are enough to boggle the mind. Stare into the clammy fear of the normal husband trying to decide what to buy his wife. Watch the crazy spinning of childrens eyes as they conjure up a list of must haves that together cost more than constructing an addition onto your house. Its nuts.