Bob Fenster - Well, Duh!: Our Stupid World, and Welcome to It

Well, Duh! copyright 2004 by Bob Fenster. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Fenster, Bob.

Well, duh! : our stupid world and welcome to it / Bob Fenster.
p. cm.
E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-8915-1
1. StupidityHistory. 2. StupidityAnecdotes. I. Title.

BF431.F37 2004
904dc22 2003063840

Cover design by Tim Lynch

Illustration by Kevin Brimmer

Book design by Lisa Martin
Illustrations by Matt Taylor

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This book is dedicated to
everyone who ever thought:
Gee, that was a dumb thing to do.
But not dumb enough.
If I really knuckle down,
I can do something even dumber.

And then they do.

In 1990 a guy showed up at an Arizona hospital with an unusual problem: Hed been bitten on the tongue while kissing a rattlesnake on the mouth.

But you figure, okay, lesson learned. No one is going to pull that dumb stunt again.

Wrong.

Ten years later, a man in Florida kisses a rattlesnake on the mouthand gets away with it. So he does it again. And the second time, the snake points out to him why most people dont kiss rattlers.

Why did these men do such a stupid thing? Because they belong to the only species that keeps track of how dumb it is.

But you have to admire the sheer optimism of people willing to push luck that far.

When I wrote my first dumb book, Duh: The Stupid History of the Human Race, I figured, okay, that about covers it. From the ancient Europeans who were convinced that trees gave birth to birds to the Detroit burglar who took his dog along on a break-in, people have done just about every dumb thing they can possibly do.

Turns out I wasnt even close.

Stupidity remains an exciting field of opportunity open to everyone. Intelligence has its limitations. Stupidity never says no.

Anytime you think youve seen someone do the dumbest thing you can imagine, keep your eyes open for whats coming next.

Or just start reading this book.

It will make you wonder: If we are all as smart as we think we are, then how can everyone else be as dumb as we think they are?

Being human, we play defense. I may have made some dumb mistakes in my life, but Im not as stupid as those guys.

This book is all about those guys.

Egos of the Knuckleheaded:
Disinfecting the Common People

CAN YOU really make yourself dumb? Oh yes. Its practically the only way.

But in a world of egotistical Yertles, you might be surprised to find out who wanted to be called His High Mightiness.

Although with competition from spitting llamas and silver dollartossing Texans, we might narrow it down by asking: Who is not His High Mightiness?

Q ueen Henrietta of Belgium trained her pet llama to spitbut only at commoners.

T o prevent assassinations, most royalty treat their personal bodyguards decently. Then there was the nineteenth-century king of Haiti, Henry Christophe, who ordered all his bodyguards to march off a cliff to their deaths. Any guards who refused were executed.

W hat does a parent with a big ego do when his kids shelf piles up with soccer trophies, Little League trophies, swim trophies?

According to a woman who runs a California trophy-making business, the proud dad (proud of himself, anyway) orders her to make up some old-looking trophies with his name on them so he can regain household bragging rights.

W hen eccentric millionaire Ted Turner bought the Atlanta Braves, he experimented with putting their nicknames on the backs of the uniforms. If a player didnt have a nickname, Turner made one up for him.

Pitcher Andy Messersmith was given the nickname Channel. Why? Because his uniform number was seventeen, and channel seventeen was the number of Turners Atlanta TV station.

M ichael Jackson used to visit Disneyland three times a week dressed in wigs, fake beards, hats, and fake noses to blend in with the crowd.

Eventually, Jackson gave up the disguises. Instead, he went to the amusement park in a wheelchair so he could be pushed to the front of the lines and get in first.

J ames Gordon Bennett, a fussy editor of The New York Herald, had some strange newspaper rules. For example, he insisted that all his reporters use the word night instead of evening because night is a more exact term.

Bennett was finally shown the error of his ways when a reporter filed a story that included a description of a society woman who looked ravishing in a pink silk night gown.

C alouste Gulbenkian made a vast fortune in the early 1900s through Iraqi oil. He spent his money on European mansions and castles, which he stocked with harems.

He passed the remaining fortune on to his son Nubar, along with this advice for maintaining manageable harems: Get rid of the women after they turn seventeen, when they become impossible to manage.

N ubar Gulbenkian took his fathers eccentricities a step further, dressing in Edwardian style throughout the 1950s, wearing top hats, spats, and brocaded jackets to dinner parties.

He also owned a thousand handcrafted canes, which meant he could walk for about three years without having to repeat a cane.

E dith Rockefeller inherited a family fortune, then doubled it by marrying the wealthy Harold McCormick. Edith maintained that she had been an Egyptian queen in a past lifebut then who hasnt?

She kept one servant whose sole job it was to convey her orders to the other servants so she wouldnt be obliged to speak to them.

Edith also kept four butlers to serve her personally at mealtime because one or two butlers simply couldnt get the job done right.