Bob Bell - Outdoor Stupid From Around The World: Humorous Tales of Close Calls in the Outdoors Worldwide

Outdoors Stupid

From Around the World

by Bob Bell

BBB Publications Anchorage, Alaska

Copyright 2018 by Bob Bell. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the author.

Hard cover ISBN: 978-1-57833-703-3

Soft cover ISBN: 978-1-57833-704-0

eBook: 978-1-63747-081-7

Published by:

BBB Publications

c/o F. Robert Bell & Associates

801 W. Fireweed Lane Suite 201

Anchorage, Alaska 99503

Tel: (907) 274-5257 Fax: (907) 743-3480

e-mail:

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my older sister, Frankie Jean, who we lost to breast cancer at a very early age. She was a sweet and loving person. Also, to my younger brothers John and Ed Bell who have gone to a better place. A place where the weather, the hunting and the fishing are always great. John and Ed were my first companions in the outdoors, we learned to love the outdoors together. They are missed by all of us. Finally to my much older sister Sali who is still around to point out my mistakes.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

There is a long list of people who were indispensable to me in writing this book. There is not space to thank them all. I would like to single out a few. The guides, outfitters and professional hunters I got to know were the primary source of most of the stories. Their input was critical in creating this book. Having hunted with most of them, I can say they are very professional people. I might also say they are quite brave.

I want to thank my wife Candace for editing the book not only for grammar and punctuation, but also for social sensitivity.

It was a great experience to work with many folks on this book, some of whom are listed below.

Paco Riestra Wing Shooting

and Hunting

Paco and Asis Riestra

Phone: 0054 351 4823156

Wild Footprint Safaris

Pieter-Louis and Tarina Leroux

Australian Outfitters

by Andrew MacKay

Andrew MacKay

G.D. ORourke and Sons

Taxidermy Ltd.

Kerry ORourke

Four Seasons Safaris

New Zealand Ltd.

Shane (Harry) Johnston

Elkquest

Barry and Sharla Dyar

Mkulu African Hunting Safaris

(provided photos)

PROLOGUE

In the past several years I have had the good fortune to experience outdoor adventures around the world. I have traveled to Argentina, Africa, New Zealand, Vietnam, Mexico, Canada and the Lower 49 states. While on these trips I have met numerous guides, outfitters and professional hunters, as well as their clients. They were kind enough to provide me with many of these stories which I have obviously embelished to add humor and interest.

My first two books mostly dealt with Alaska stories and the really stupid things people did to get themselves in trouble. My international travels have shown me that not all the outdoor idiots are in Alaska. They are well represented throughout the world.

You would think a person who could accumulate the financial resources to afford an international outdoor adventure would have a few smarts. I believe the folks depicted in these stories are of two types. The first is people who are intelligent, experienced and folks with lots of common sense. They also seem to have an uncanny ability to disregard these assets when pursuing outdoor adventures. The second group inherited their money and are just plain stupid.

It really takes a lot of effort and some less than logical decisions to get yourself into a life-threatening situation hunting most critters. The exceptions are grizzly bears and the big five in Africa. With them it takes a lot less effort.

These stories are prime examples of how people can turn a casual hunting trip into a frantic fight for survival with just one or two wrongheaded decisions and a little bad luck. Some, myself included, have done so on multiple occasions.

So travel through the misadventures in this book with us as we deal with charging lions and buffalo, attacking elk and free falling tahr. You will meet several characters, both relatively normal people who somehow transform into nut cases when in the outdoors and the guides who try to keep them alive.

People participate in the outdoors for adventure, excitement and new experiences. The folks in these stories add terror, humiliation, close calls and exhaustion to that list. I hope you enjoy following them in the book.

Chapter I
AFRICA

1. WARTHOGS AND HIPPOS

Most animals in Africa are stately and beautiful critters. The sable is a prime example of a beautiful animal with its curved horns and spectacular coat. The Cape buffalo is very stately and impressive to view, preferably from a distance. Two exceptions to this observation are the hippo and the warthog. They are both just plain butt ugly, in different but equally repulsive ways. The hippo is a big fat, beady eyed critter with a huge mouth and very large teeth. He is mean spirited and will try to kill you every chance he gets. Another little fun fact is that when you shoot a hippo all the other hippos get really pissed and also want to kill you. It is just best to avoid these critters due to the danger and their appearance. I have never hunted hippos because I dont know what I would do with a mounted head that every time you walk into the room you have to look away. Maybe I could justify a hippo hunt on the basis that I would look handsome, by comparison. Other than that, there is no redeeming value.

Then we have the warthog. To begin with, any animal who is named after a wart cant be that attractive. The warthog manages to take ugly to several levels. First, we have the warts on his face. These arent just little plantar warts, they are great big gnarly warts with hairs growing out of them. Then you have the wrinkly skin, also with stiff kinky hairs growing at random in little bunches all over the face and body. Add to this the big tusks sticking out of his mouth and the beady eyes and you pretty much have a grand slam of ugly. Oh, I forgot, the thin little tail covered in skin except for a little tuft of kinky hair on the end that stands straight up when he runs. They say there is a fine line between love and hate. Well there is also a fine line between beautiful and ugly and the warthog is right on that line. If he was just a little bit uglier he would be beautiful. I did shoot a warthog several years ago and had a head mount done. He now competes for the ugly prize in my office with the wild boar I got in Hawaii. Most people think the warthog wins hands down.

The first part of our story has to do with hippos. The professional hunter (PH) was Pieter, born and raised in Africa and a very experienced PH. Pieters clients were a man and his wife, Ralph and Bertha. They were an American couple from Ephrata, Washington a pleasant little berg surrounded by sage brush perched on the high Columbia plateau on the east side of the state. He was a dentist and she was a CPA. They were a very pleasant couple on their first safari. They started out shooting plains game and then went to the next level with a Cape buffalo. There is a big difference between shooting impala and shooting Cape buffalo. First of all, it is unlikely an impala will kill you. This is not so true for Cape buffalo. On the first morning they found a very large dugga boy (older Cape buffalo bull) hanging out with some of his lady friends in thick brush. He didnt seem to be inclined to come out into the open, so they went in after him. It is this kind of decision that tends to add drama to dangerous game hunts. The possibility of hand to horn combat was high. After quite a bit of maneuvering, Ralph got in a position to give the bull 400 grains of lead through the bread basket at a range of not much. The bull crashed off into the brush and his lady friends went in all directions to include close proximity to our hunters. Having a Cape buffalo cow careen past you so close you feel the wind she creates is definitely a pucker experience. The bull only went a short distance and piled up quite dead. His girlfriends exited the area and I am sure went looking for another prince charming. Ralph and Bertha thought this was all great fun. They had no clue as to the danger involved. Pieter was remiss in not filling them in on the downside of chasing a ton of nasty in thick brush.