Bob Bell - Oh No! Were Gonna Die: Humorous Tales of Close Calls in the Alaskan Wilderness

My wife Shelli and I spent a weekend reading Oh No Were Gonna Die. We laughed so hard it hurt.

Mike Gordon,

Owner, Chilkoot Charlies

Every serious outdoor fanatic has a captivating story or two to tell. Bob has put together a boatload. An outdoorsman, a pilot, a statesman and an Alaskan, yeah, Bob Bell is one of the bigger than life fanatics! And he can even fish.

Rick Rydell,

Radio talk show host

Bob Bell has intimate knowledge of Alaska wildlife as an active participant, from the days of plenty, through the decline, and now during the rebuild. In this book he tells the coming generations the story of Alaska, as only he can tell it.

Gary Olsen,

Chairman, Alaska Moose Federation

I have been hunting and fishing with Bob Bell for over 20 years and have lived to tell about it. His stories are very funny... the actual adventure truly frightening.

Bill Andrews,

Chief of security, BP exploration Alaska

I have not only read this book, but survived trips to the wilds of Alaska with Bob Bell. This book is an enjoyable read; the adventures were a different story.

Rick Grimstead,

Sheriff, Skagit County, Washington

Few Alaskans have more outdoor experiences and tales to tell than Bob Bell. He lives the Alaska that many just dream about and now hes sharing them with others in a fun adventurefilled book.

Rick Mystrom,

Anchorage mayor, 19942000.

Bob Bell grew up in the small eastern Washington town of Ephrata. He spent his early years chasing jack rabbits, upland birds and mule deer through the sagebrush of the surrounding country. After graduating from Ephrata High School, he enrolled in the civil engineering program at Washington State University where he earned a bachelors degree. He was commissioned a 2nd lieutenant in the U.S. Army. He spent the next year as a platoon leader at Fort Belvoir, Virginia and then a year in Viet Nam. All his life he had listened to stories about Alaska from his mom and dad who had lived in Naknek in the early 1930s and from his granddad who was United States Commissioner of Fisheries under President Franklin Roosevelt and therefore spent a lot of time in Alaska. So in 1969 when he had completed his obligation to the Army, he packed up his very pregnant wife, his German shepherd dog and his 1966 Mustang and headed north. He has been working and recreating throughout Alaska ever since. He served six years on the Anchorage Municipal Assembly, ran for mayor of Anchorage and still operates his engineering and surveying firm headquartered in Anchorage.

Todd Communications Anchorage, Alaska

Copyright 2006 by Bob Bell. All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the written consent of the author.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2006902661

ISBN: 1578333415 (hardcover)

ISBN: 1578333407 (softcover)

First Printed May 2006

Second Printing May 2007

Third Printing December 2007

Fourth Printing May 2008

Fifth Printing June 2009

Sixth Printing September 2010

Printed by Everbest Printing Co., Ltd., Nansha, China.

Book design: Mike Larsen,

This book was typeset in 12 point Georgia typeface.

Published by

611 E. 12th Ave., Suite 102

Anchorage, Alaska 995014603

Tel. (907) 274TODD (8633)

Fax (907) 9295550

email:

WWW.ALASKABOOKSANDCALENDARS.COM

with other offices in Ketchikan, Juneau, Fairbanks and Nome, Alaska

This book is dedicated to my longsuffering wife, Candace Bell, who over the years has resisted the temptation to terminate me as I put myself, her and our kids at risk in the Alaska wilderness.

This book would not have been possible without the encouragement and assistance of a lot of people. Billie and Rae typed, edited and wordsmithed the rough drafts and turned them into legible documents. Candace spent hours checking for spelling and grammar. I also have to thank my hunting, fishing and flying friends for just going out here with me. Writing this book was a lot of fun mainly because of all the people who worked with me to complete this task.

After more than 30 years of banging around Alaskas wilderness, I can recall instances when I was fairly certain I was done for, or, at the very least, someone with me was going to bite the big one. All of these situations were impromptu and usually totally unexpected. They also involved some form of IQ-challenged decision often resulting in the utterance of the name of this book. There were a few exceptions along the way when people would comment, If you go out there equipped as you are, you will probably get killed! We didnt get killed, but the truth is, we probably should have.

Alaska has a full arsenal of ways to do you in. She can get you with weather; she can get you with terrain; she can get you with water and her most exciting method is to sic her critters on you.

Besides the obvious bears, we have had people rubbed out by moose stomping, wolf mauling, caribou impalement and halibut beating, just to name a few. When it comes to reducing the number of Homo sapiens in Alaska, there is no end to the ways our part of the country can devise.

I have personally had brushes with many of the techniques noted here and have so far avoided Alaskas best shots. So why do I stay here? Well, the place is spectacularly beautiful and full of wildlife. I have flown through Lake Clark Pass more than 100 times and I am still awestruck each time I see it. I have hunted and fished throughout Alaska every year for more than 30 years and still find new things to do in the outdoors. I guess the place is as wild as I want to be and as peaceful as I can get without being dead.

The purpose of these tales is to share the experiences, mainly for entertainment purposes. Those inclined to put themselves in similar circumstances without taking heed of my misfortune are most likely IQchallenged anyway, so there is little or no value to these stories in preventing similar incidents.

With this in mind, the yarns herein begin with the early years of putting myself and my friends at risk, due more to naive ignorance than just plain stupidity. As you travel with me through the misadventures in this book you will meet several unique people, most of whom are still friends of mine, and most of whom are still alive (!) Therefore, I would like to introduce them to you in advance so that you will not be encountering strangers as you read each story.