Gregory - Idiots at work: chronicles of workplace stupidity

Other Books by Leland Gregory
Whats the Number for 911?
Whats the Number for 911 Again?
The Stupid Crook Book
Hey, Idiot!

IDIOTS AT WORK
Copyright 2004 by Leland Gregory. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-9204-5

Library of Congress Catalog Control Number: 2004102693

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Book design by Holly Camerlinck
Book composition by Steve Brooker
Cover deisgn by Roar Marketing Group

Attention: Schools and Businesses Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please write to: Special Sales Department, Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

This book is dedicated to my wife,

Gloria Gregory. Only one year

after we met you helped give me

the courage to follow my dreams

and become a self-employed writer.

It hasnt always been easy but it

sure has been a great adventure with you!

I would personally like to thank the following people for helping me gather stories or for contributing their own personal anecdote (in some cases names, dates, and company names were changed to protect the idiots). Thanks a lot, guys!

Greta Beach

Jim Brockman

Donna Davis

Yvonne Ferguson

Mike Flaherty

Marguerite Glentz

Michael G. Hodowanitz

Teresa Luke

Alex Redditt

John Rozakis

J. Alec West

Fred Wilson

RSVP-RIP

The Sony Corporation decided to honor famous ragtime pianist Eubie Blake with its first Legendary Innovator Award. The company touted that Mr. Blakes attendance at the ceremony would be a tremendously uplifting experience. Mr. Blake, however, did not attend the ceremony as he had died eight years before receiving the invitation. I guess if he did show up that would have been a tremendously uplifting experience.

W hat good is the moon if you cant buy it or sell it?

IVAN BOESKY,

Wall Street trader, eventually convicted of insider trading

A woman called a travel agent and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who? The agent replied, No, why do you ask? The timid-sounding woman said, Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and Im overweight. Is there any connection?

After putting the woman on hold for a minute while she regained her composure, the agent explained to the woman the city code for Fresno is FAT and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. Makes you wonder if the woman saw the word terminal on her luggage, would she have thought she was really sick?

PUT A LID ON IT

The Gerber Company wanted to broaden its market and began exporting its baby food to Africa. Unlike some products and slogans that dont quite make the translation, everything about this product remained the same including the trademarked adorable little baby on the label. So was baby food a huge success in Africa? Unfortunately, no. You see, a large portion of the African population cant read, so local companies routinely put pictures of whats inside the package on the label. Makes you wonder where they get baby oil from, doesnt it?

W eve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?

LEE IACOCCA

defending his companys resistance to tougher auto emission standards

Charles Harper, the chairman of the R. J. Reynolds Company, was asked about the serious risks of secondhand smoke and its effect on children. The tobacco company chairman responded smugly that children do not like smoky rooms, and therefore they leave them. Someone asked about infants who dont have the ability to leave on their own. Harper cocked his head to one side and responded: At some point, they will learn to crawl. His comment caused outrage and exposed R. J. Reynoldss butt to the public.

A customer flagged a waiter at a popular sports bar that specializes in stocking a large assortment of beers.
Customer: Do you serve nonalcoholic beer?
Waiter: No, sir, Im sorry we dont.
Customer: Oh well, in that case just give me an ODouls.
(Editors note: An ODouls is a nonalcoholic beer.)

The owner of a small-town grocery store was confused when a tourist stopped his car in the parking lot, stuck his head inside the door, and asked: Do you know where I might find a grocery store in this town?

A woman called a Wal-Mart store before the Christmas holidays and wanted to know the answer to this question: How long is a nine-foot [artificial] Christmas Tree box? Not such a strange question since the tree comes in several pieces. But then she added, Because I need to know if I need to bring one car or two.

The Gainers meatpacking plant in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, is having awell, a pissing contest with the local union. The union cant hold its temper or its water over a ruling that workers have to pay for their bathroom breaks. The Alberta arbitration board has upheld the Gainers regulation that docks the pay of workers who go to the bathroom when not on their scheduled breaks. The reasoning behind the boards decision was that refusing to pay employees who are not actually on the job (but in the bathroom or on the phone) doesnt violate the collective agreement between the union and the plant.

Representatives of Gainers stated that the policy was put in place because workers were abusing bathroom breaks (either that or theyre all incontinent). The union, needless to say, is pissed off at the arbitration boards decision.

I ll tell you, its Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, its Big Business. Or two wordsBig Business.

Real estate tycoon DONALD TRUMP, quoted in a 1989