Leland Gregory - S Is for Stupid: An Encyclopedia of Stupidity

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A ccording to a November 23, 1995, Los Angeles Times article, the Oakland Ballet withdrew a billboard advertising campaign showing two ballet dancers in tutus after receiving a complaint. It wasnt the image that was the problem; it was the slogan: Go aheadtake another date to miniature golf and die a virgin. Oakland Ballet. You might just like it. One of the ads appeared across the street from a local high school, where the assistant principal claimed it sent the wrong message to teenagers by suggesting [that] being a virgin is bad.

H eres a list of names of Japanese automobiles as they appeared in English on each vehicle at a Tokyo trade show. The list was compiled by John Phillips and appeared in his Car and Driver column in February 1996:

• Mitsubishi Mini Active Urban Sandal
• Subaru Gravel Express
• Mazda Bongo Friendlee
• Daihatsu Rugger Field Sports Resin Top
• Nissan Prairie Joy
• Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo
• Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear Cruising Active
• Subaru Sambar Dias Astonish!!
• Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard
• Daihatsu Town Cube
• Nissan Big Thumb Harmonized Truck
• Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump

I n December 1996, computer giant Microsoft translated its name as we ruan for its Japanese operation. It wasnt well received by most Japanese men because the translation literally means small and soft.

The last televised cigarette ad, a commercial for Virginia Slims, was aired on The Tonight Show on December 31, 1970. Cigarette advertising was banned from both radio and television effective January 1, 1971.

I n 1981, the Reagan administration declared that ketchup could be counted as one of the two vegetables required as part of the school lunch program. And according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture under the George W. Bush administration in 2004, Batter-coated French fries are a fresh vegetable. Thanks to the government fries and ketchup, our kids are finally eating healthy.

I n February 1996, the Senate passed a groundbreaking farm bill that would eliminate a lot of nonsensical federal subsidies for farmers (for example, mohair production, squash subsidies, and so on). But planted deep in the furrows of the farm bill was a little attachment to create yet another committee, the U.S. Popcorn Board. This boards job is to promote this lighter-than-air snack that has been doing extremely well, especially after the FDA scared theaters into using canola oil. Senate Agriculture Committee chairman Richard G. Lugar (R-IN) had the kernel of an idea for the Popcorn Board with help from the Popcorn Institute, a trade association. The following are excerpts from Section 901 and 902 (a) 14 of the Popcorn Act.

SEC . 901. SHORT TITLE

This subtitle may be cited as the Popcorn Promotion, Research, and Consumer Information Act.

SEC . 902. FINDINGS AND DECLARATIONS OF POLICY .

(a) FINDINGS Congress finds that:

(1) popcorn is an important food that is a valuable part of the human diet;

(2)the production and processing of popcorn plays a significant role in the economy of the United States in that popcorn is processed by several popcorn processors, distributed through wholesale and retail outlets and consumed by millions of people throughout the United States and foreign countries;

(4) the maintenance and expansion of existing markets and uses and the developments of new markets and uses for popcorn are vital to the welfare of processors and persons concerned with marketing, using, and producing popcorn for the market, as well as to the agricultural economy of the United States.

Whats nextthe U.S. Milk Dud, Cracker Jack, and Goobers Board?

The U.S. Department of Agriculture once spent $46,000 to calculate how long it takes to cook eggs.

A woman called a travel agent and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?

The agent replied, No, why do you ask?

The timid-sounding woman said, Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and Im overweight. Is there any connection?

After putting her on hold for a minute while she regained her composure, the agent explained to the woman that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

Makes you wonder: If the woman saw the word terminal on her luggage, would she think she was really sick?

T he U.S. House of Representatives added $5.6 million to the 2006 federal budget for the Ernest Gallo Clinic and Research Center (EGCRC), which, according to its Web site, was established in 1980 to study basic neuroscience and the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the brain. This earmark was buried in the defense budget even though the EGCRC never mentions anything related to defense research. But whos going to wine over a few million anyway?