Leland Gregory - Stupid Ancient History

Other Books by Leland Gregory

Whats the Number for 911?

Whats the Number for 911 Again?

The Stupid Crook Book

Hey, Idiot!

Idiots at Work

Bush-Whacked

Idiots in Love

Am-Bushed!

Stupid History

Idiots in Charge

Cruel and Unusual Idiots

Whats the Number for 911: Second Edition

Stupid American History

Stupid Science

Stupid California

Stupid Texas

Stupid on the Road

You Betcha!

United Kingdumb

Canaduh

Stupid Christmas

S Is for Stupid

Stupid Liberals

Stupid Conservatives

Dead First, Not Last

S ome of the earliest Olympic events make synchronized swimming look about as sissified as, well, synchronized swimming. One such event was called the pancration, a mix of boxing, wrestling, and endurance that had virtually no rules. During the pancration in 564 B.C ., Arrachion of Phigalia earned a place in the record books, not only because he won the bout but because he died trying. Arrachion of Phigalias opponent, whose name is now forgotten, conceded the event because Arrachion had nearly beaten him to death. As Arrachion lay on the ground he was declared the winner by default, but he refused to stand and claim victory. Was it because he was exhausted, or overcome with the joy of victory, perhaps? No. It was because he was dead. Since the bout had already been decided Arrachion became the only dead person in history to win an Olympic event, making the pancration less a triathlon than a die-athlon.

TO FIGHT OFF ROMAN SHIPS IN 300 B.C. , CARTHAGINIANS CATAPULTED LIVE SNAKES AT THEM.

Name Your Poison

A ccording to Appians Roman History , Mithradates VI Eupator of Pontus in Asia Minor (13463 B.C. ) routinely took small doses of a specially prepared poison to help him develop a resistance should anyone try to poison him. He was so successful in building up an immunity to poison that when he tried to take his own life to escape the approaching Romans, the poison he took had no effect. (It did, however, kill his two daughters who also took it.) Instead he requested his Gaul bodyguard and friend, Bituitus, to kill him with a sword. Mithridate, named after Mithradates, is a concoction with as many as sixty-five ingredients and is used as an poisoning. The recipe was found in Mithradatess cabinet, written in his own hand, and was taken to Rome.

Very Statuesque

C an you imagine someone taking a beautiful piece of white marble Greek statuary and painting it flesh tones, making its hair black or brown, coloring the clothing, or, if the statue was naked, painting in pubic hair? You would think that would be considered vulgar and uncouth, but thats what the Greeks did. Statues in ancient times werent cold, bland white likenesses of gods, kings, and noblemen; they were colorfully painted, and no detail was left to the imagination. Even busts were paintedand statues of peoples heads were, too!

THE ATHENIAN LAWMAKER DRACO DIED OF SUFFOCATION WHEN HE WAS COMPLETELY COVERED BY GIFTS OF CLOAKS SHOWERED UPON HIM BY GRATEFUL CITIZENS AT AN AEGINA THEATER IN 620 B.C.

Cleo, We Hardly Knew Ya

N o matter what the revisionists say, Cleopatra was not blackshe wasnt even Egyptian. The Cleopatra Im talking aboutthe one Elizabeth Taylor portrayedwas actually titled Cleopatra VII Thea Philopator (there were seven queens named Cleopatra). Cleo was part Greek, part Macedonian, and part Iranian. She ruled Egypt from Alexandria, which, other than its location, was not an Egyptian city at all. It would be like someone in the future deciding the head of state of South Africa in the 1910s to the 1960s was black because South Africa is part of Africa and Africans are dark-skinnednot taking into account that South Africa was part of Great Britain and therefore the countrys leaders were British. You can bet Cleopatra didnt look like Elizabeth Taylor, either.

ACCORDING TO GREEKHISTORIAN AND BIOGRAPHERPLUTARCH, KING PYRRHUSOF EPIRUS, FROM WHOM THETERM PYRRHIC VICTORY ISDERIVED, DIED WHILE FIGHTINGIN THE STREETS OF ARGOSIN 272 B.C . HIS DEATH CAMEABOUT WHEN AN OLD WOMANTHREW A ROOF TILE AT HIM.HE WAS SO STUNNED AT THEUNFORESEEN ATTACK THAT ITGAVE AN ARGIVE SOLDIER THEOPPORTUNITY TO KILL HIM.

MESSAGES FROM THE PAST I

When Pompeii was covered in pumice and ashes from the eruption of Mount Vesuvius (a.d. 79), the city became frozen in time. It was undisturbed until its accidental rediscovery in 174 . When archaeologists start ed sifting through the ashes they discovered thousands of in scriptions and graffiti all around the city. This led to the formation of an organization called the Corpus Inscriptionum Latinarum i n 1853, which aimed to record every known Latin inscription in a collection by the same name. Here are some of the examples theyve found in Pompeii. (Note: The number after the location in parentheses is the catalog number of the inscriptionnot the datein volume 4 of the Corpus Inscriptionum Latinarum. )

• (Bar/brothel of Innulus and Papilio) 3932: Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates mens behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!
• (House of the Citharist; below a drawing of a man with a large nose) 2375: Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this.
• (In the vestibule of the House of Cuspius Pansa) 8075: The finances officer of the emperor Nero says this food is poison.
• (Near the rear entrance vestibule of the House of Menander) 8356: At Nuceria, look for Novellia Primigenia near the Roman gate in the prostitutes district.
• And an early example of a still-popular type of graffitifound on the exterior of the House of Menander, 8304: Satura was here on September 3rd.

Burning Down the House

O f the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World only one is still standingthe Great Pyramid of Giza (all the others were destroyed by fire or earthquake). The Temple of Artemis in Ephesus burned to the ground in 356 B.C. when an arsonist, hoping his name would live forever for his destructive feat, put a torch to it. The arsonist was executed, and to make sure his wish of everlasting fame wouldnt come true, it was ordered that his name be stricken from all records and never mentioned again. But you know how people talk. Despite the best efforts of the Ephesian authorities, the mans name leaked out, and Herostratus, the arsonist, is remembered as one of the most notorious firebugs in history.