Leland Gregory - 50 Things Not to Do after 50

Also by Leland Gregory:

Americas Dumbest Criminals

Stupid American History

Stupid Ancient History

Fifty Shades of Dumb

Stupid History

Stupid Sports

Stupid Liberals

Stupid Conservatives

S is for Stupid

Stupid California

Stupid Texas

Canaduh

United Kingdum

You Betcha!

Stupid Christmas

Stupid on the Road

Stupid Science

Whats the Number for 911 Again?

Cruel and Unusual Idiots

Am-Bushed

Idiots in Love

Idiots at Work

Bush-Whacked

Idiots in Charge

Hey, Idiot

The Stupid Crook Book

Whats the Number for 911?

Presidential Indiscretion

Presumed Ignorant

Great Government Goofs

From Naming Your Pets after Tolkien Characters to Signaling Peace Out to Your Friends

Leland Gregory

Skyhorse Publishing

Copyright 2014 by Leland Gregory

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or .

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation.

Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Jane Sheppard
Cover photo credit Thinkstock
Illustrations by Dennis Cox/Thinkstock

Print ISBN: 978-1-62914-430-6
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-62914-847-2

Printed in China

This book is dedicated to my mother, Jenny, and my father, The Colonel. Thank you for tolerating me during my teenage years and beyond and for not smothering me with a pillow while I slept. Also, thanks for having me or else I never would have grown up, become 50, and been able to write this book.

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank my editor, Holly Rubino, as well for not smothering me with a pillow while I slept. I also want to thank the following people for supplying me with some material for this book: Mike Long, Mary Louise McKinney, Julia Rose Coale, Randy Cassingham, and Edward Feuerherd. Im not saying who is 50 years old or not, but you know who you are .

Introduction

If youre turning 50, or have recently turned 50, or youve been 50 for a while and have just been lying about your age, then this book is both for you and about you. First, congratulations on this major accomplishment. From the 1500s to around the year 1800, life expectancy throughout the world hovered between the ages of 30 and 40 (and, in some countries, even less). Having turned 50 myself, I thought I would put together a list of things you should or shouldnt do when you reach this ripe, old age (even though Ive always thought it was insulting to use the word ripe when talking about old people). Dont get me wrong. Im not telling you not to do certain things. Im only making suggestions, so dont get your Depends in a wad.

Turning 50 is not so bad considering the alternative. Hopefully we are wiser, have overcome our destructive behaviors (at least some of them), have learned from our mistakes (or learned to make different ones), have realized some of our dreams, and have not given up on the others. This is an age to rejoice. We are the survivors. So take this book in the playful manner in which it was written and with a grain of saltbut not more than a grain because you need to watch your blood pressure. I had so much fun taking potshots at people in their fifties that Ive included ten more bits of advice as a bonus. The truth is, I lost count. Anyway, since I enjoy dispensing unsolicited advice, you get 60 for the price of 50. Lucky you.

I thought Id leave you with some fun facts about turning 50:

• If you are exactly 50, then you have been on this earth for 18,262 days, or 438,288 hours, or 26,297,280 minutes, or 1,577,836,800 seconds. Doesnt that make you feel a little younger, especially when you start running the same numbers on the Earth, which is estimated to be 4.54 billion years old?
• Using an average heart rate of 72 beats per minute, your heart has beaten around 1,893,404,160 times during your lifetime so far. Doing something nearly 2 billion times has got to be exhausting. So go ahead. Take that nap.
• Taking the average of twelve breaths per minute, at a rate about one-fourth of a cubic foot of air, means you breathe approximately 388 cubic feet of air in a day. So during your 50 years so far youve inhaled and exhaled approximately 7,085,656 cubic feet of air. When someone accuses you of being full of hot air... well, you are.

50 Things Not to Do after 50

Even if its become an accepted topic at cocktail parties, refrain from talking about your colonoscopy or asking people about theirs. It doesnt make for pleasant dinner conversation and it conjures up nightmarish images for people who havent had one yet. When you were younger, poo poo jokes were funny, but youre beyond that now. Besides, colonoscopies are nothing to laugh at (fart jokes, however, will always have a timeless appeal).

Avoid making a Facebook account for your dog. If youre a woman and have more than three cats, dont identify them as children on your Facebook page. Facebook is, however, a great way to find people you havent seen in a while. Remember, though, that the boy or girl you had a major crush on in high school does not look the way you might remember him or her. He or she, too, has been smashed by the hammer of time.

If youre running around the house naked (which I condone), and someone calls, please, please, dont tell them youre running around the house naked. From an outsiders point of view, you probably resemble Jell-O in a paint shaker. There. I said it. Im sorry.

Nobody expects to trust his body overmuch after the age of fifty. Alexander Hamilton, founding father and dude on the $10 bill

Shooting fake gang signs is not for 50-year-olds. Your twelve-year-old niece will only play along for so long before she tells all her friends what a dork you are. Also, if you dont know sign language, theres no telling what youre actually saying.

Now is not the time to do things youve never trained to do, like climb Mount Kilimanjaro, swim the English Channel, or enter a weight lifting competition. Face it, your mind and body are completely separate entities. The mind will try to convince you that you still have the abilities you had in your twenties, but your body is the realist. Take this simple test: pick up a cushion from the couch and run from one end of your house to the other as quickly as you can. If youre out of breath, put the cushion back on the couch, sit down, and turn on the television. If youre not huffing and puffing, then you might consider the previously mentioned activities.