Leland Gregory - Hey, Idiot!: Chronicles of Human Stupidity

Whats the Number for 911?
Whats the Number for 911 Again?
The Stupid Crook Book

Copyright 2003 by Leland Gregory. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gregory, Leland
Hey idiot! : chronicles of human stupidity / Leland Gregory.
p. cm.
E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-9203-8
1. StupidityAnecdotes. I. Title.

BF431.G7825 2003
081dc21

2003052448

APPR

Cover design by John Turnbull

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This book is dedicated to my beautiful wife,
Gloria G. Gregory, who has given me everything
I could ever wish for, including our son, Nicholas.
We live in strange times and theres no one
who helps me laugh about it more than you, Glo.

A scientist in Atlanta collected more than ten pounds of bullet shell casings from the citys streets during lunch hours. The casings ranged from .22 caliber to bullets used in the AK-47 assault rifle. Commenting on the scientists collection, police officials in Atlanta said that didnt necessarily mean the city isnt safe. Their theory was that people could be firing their weapons elsewhere and leaving the shells in Atlanta. Now, thats a long shot.

Sometimes when Im sleeping, you know, its like, in the middle of the night Im not, like, totally clear. Im thinking Im sleeping with my wife. Im not even attracted to you! I am 150 to 200 percent happy with the wife that I have.

Survivor: Thailand castaway Ted Rogers, Jr., apologizing to tribemate Ghadnia Johnson, after she accused him of grinding against her in her sleep

K nown mobster Vincent Gigi Portalla Marino has complained for years that federal agents planted something on him during surgery to remove a bullet from his buttocks. Marino was granted a hearing to reveal the truth and the regions top federal law enforcement official denied his accountthat federal agents put a tracking devise in his butt. We can confirm that the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration did not implant a tracking device in defendant Vincent M. Gigi Portalla Marinos buttocks, U.S. Attorney Donald Stern said in a statement. But we cannot speak, however, for any extraterrestrial beings. U.S. District Judge Nathaniel Gorton said the situation sounds like some DEA agent trying to be funny, but he honored Marinos request to force the government to tell him the truth about the device. Maybe thats where the expression having a bug up your butt came from.

A man who had just robbed a branch of the U.S. Bank in Sacramento, California, explained his actions to a bank employee: I only wanted to teach you a lesson. I want a job in bank security. The mans claims would have had more merit had he not been previously convicted of five bank robberies with another bank robbery conviction pending.

A n assistant professor of art history at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, collected $33,000 in Social Security checks for his mother before finally notifying the government that his mother had died. He had allowed the checks to be electronically deposited into the joint account he shared with his mother for five years without telling anyone of her passing. The professors lawyer described his clients actions as extreme procrastination behavior brought on by depression following the death of his mother. Ill bet the professor has at least thirty-three thousand reasons for not reporting his mothers death to Social Security officials.

I do touch too much bread, yes, more than the next person.

Samuel Feldman, convicted of fondling $1,000 worth of baked goods in Philadelphia stores

A library employee from Portland State University admitted that she had stolen more than $200,000 over the years from the schools copy machines. According to the schools newspaper, the Vanguard, the woman begged for mercy, citing, in her defense, that she was just temporarily using the money anyway. The woman claimed that she had spent almost the entire amount on Oregons government-sponsored video poker machines, and since she never won more than she put in, the state eventually got all its money back.

A young, attractive housewife from Melbourne, Australia, has been charged with animal cruelty in the shooting death of her neighbors German shepherd. The woman argued that the dog provoked her by invading her personal space and that she acted in her own defense when she killed it with her husbands shotgun. What had the dog done? He sniffed up her miniskirt when she was not wearing any underwear.

T he New York Appellate Division of the Supreme Court unanimously revoked a lower courts award of $15 million to a Richmond Hill High School student who is paralyzed from the waist down. The New York City schoolboy was horsing around before volleyball practice and, when the coach left the auditorium, leapt over the volleyball net and landed on his head, breaking his neck. The student explained why he thought he was entitled to the enormous settlement by saying, I accept part of the blame, but what about the responsibility of the teacher and the school?

When hes sober, hes very much against drinking and driving.

Attorney for the founder of Students Against Drinking and Driving at Calgary University, in response to his clients second drunken driving offense

A s reported in the University of Arizona student newspaper, the Arizona Daily Wildcat, in their Police Beat column, a nineteen-year-old student filed a charge against a fellow student accusing him of stealing his fake Arizona drivers license. The complainant confessed that he had loaned the man the card, but after it was confiscated at a local club, the borrower refused to reimburse the complainant the $40 hed paid for it. And remember, kids, I.D. are the first two letters in the word idiot!

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without first asking for permission.