W. Hodding Carter - Off the Deep End

ALSO BY W. HODDING CARTER

Westward Whoa: In the Wake of Lewis and Clark

A Viking Voyage: In Which an Unlikely Crew of
Adventurers Attempts an Epic Voyage to the New World

Stolen Water: Saving the Everglades from Its Friends,
Foes, and Florida

Flushed: How the Plumber Saved Civilization

THE PROBABLY INSANE IDEA THAT I COULD SWIM MY WAY
THROUGH A MIDLIFE CRISISAND QUALIFY FOR THE OLYMPICS

W. HODDING CARTER

Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill

Published by
ALGONQUIN BOOKS OF CHAPEL HILL
Post Office Box 2225
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27515-2225

a division of
Workman Publishing
225 Varick Street
New York, New York 10014

2008 by W. Hodding Carter. All rights reserved.

Excerpt on pp. 6064 first appeared in Esquire. Portions of chapter six were published originally in different form in Outside magazine.
Portions of chapter eight were published in different form in the Kenyon College Alumni Bulletin.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for a previous edition of this work.

E-book ISBN 978-1-56512-642-8

To all those aged athletes out there with a burning
desire to kick some young butt.

I wake up with a lurch. Something hard and pointy has just jabbed me in the ribs. Im on the very edge of my gargantuan, California kingsized bed. One tiny roll farther to my right and Ill hit the floor, not a good thing given that my right arm is not only numb but completely dead. Evidently, Ive been lying on my side long enough not only to put it to sleep but also to squash whatever nerve tells it to function.

Understandably, I try rolling to my left, but theres this immovable creature there, the same thing thats poked me awake. Its my son, Angus. I crane my neck to get a view and see, of course, hes not awake, so I have to be extra quiet and tricky. Its hard getting out of bed with just one arm (Im used to two) while also slipping a pillow along Anguss body so hell think Im still there. Just as I get everything in place and am about to walk away, Anguss entire body goes rigid and his knee goes crashing off to his right, directly into my wifes rear end. Im guessing its the same move that woke me just a minute earlier, but on Lisa, it has no effect. She lets out a fairly quiet, breath-holding snort and remains asleep. For about the two thousandth time, I wish I could sleep as soundly as she.

Its a quiet, peaceful, unusually warm fall morning for Maines central coast. The sky is white-blue behind Mount Megunticooks silhouette. I take a few seconds to enjoy the moment, but only a few, because in a very short while, depending on who wakes up first and how, the place is going to be utter chaos.

Im hoping to drink my creatine, do all of the ab work on my exercise ball, and write up that days workout before Angus or any of the three girls wake up.

Im stirring the creatine with a tall glass of fresh cider when I hear Helen scream, I hate you, Anabel. Do you hear me? Im never going to loan you anything again.

Whap! I can hear the slap from downstairs, in the kitchen. Dad. Dad! Anabel hit me! Im going to tell Dad, Anabel. A few minutes of banging around and a slammed door follow, and the next thing I know, Helen comes running by me, holding a pair of 7 jeans a brand I know only because my sister bought each of our girls a pair and, ever since, theyve wanted more but cant have them because they cost one hundred dollars a pair. Shes going fast, probably quicker than anything Ive ever seen her do when shes supposed to, like on the soccer field. A second later, Eliza comes running by, leaping past me while vainly attempting to pull Helens hair. She misses by fractions of an inch.

Give me back my jeans, you jerk! Eliza demands. Dont put your dirty hands on them. Who knows where theyve been!

Good morning, Eliza, I try. Shes caught Helen by now and is proceeding to pummel her.

Eliza, please dont hit. Use your words. Lisa and I have been saying this to Eliza and her identical twin sister, Anabel, for nine years at least, ever since they were around two years old. It didnt work then and it doesnt work now. I try getting between them, and Eliza jerks her body, and one of her chisel-like elbows bruises my arm. Eliza, dont get physical just because youre mad.

Im not doing anything, Dad. Leave me alone, she screams, grabs her jeans, and runs full tilt to the other end of the house, where Lisa and Angus are sleeping.

Girls. Quiet! I stage whisper.

Dad, can you help me study my science. We have our final exam this morning, Anabel says as she saunters into the kitchen, her face as sullen as a freckly face can be.

Didnt I ask you if you have any homework last night? another adult asks Anabel. The voice is crackly and hoarse and its Lisas. Shes emerged from our room, forefinger to her lips, but it does no good.

Aaaaugh! Helen screams. I hate my sisters. Im never going to loan them anything again.

I cant believe you girls wont loan her a pair of pants, I say aloud, trying to send my voice out in a way so that A and E hear it but Angus doesnt.

Dad! Dad! Where are you, Dad? Angus calls from our bedroom. He throws the door open and comes running toward the kitchen. Hes been a little fixated with me the past few months and gets a tad desperate whenever he cant find me in the morning.

Good morning, Angy. I love you, Lisa says. He smiles but makes a beeline for me, and then crashes into my thigh, perhaps accidentally rubbing green snot all over it.

Mom, cant you quiz me? Anabel says. Im going to fail.

I gotta go, I say and start to grab my book bag. I need to swim before my first lesson. Ive got to lift today, too.

What do you mean, go? Youre joking, right Lisa says, but I can tell from her voice that she knows Im not joking and that she doesnt think it is funny either way. I have court this morning at 8:30. Remember?

I know, I know, I say quickly. I really do remember. I just had forgotten for a few minutes, thats all. I set my bag back down. Its not a big deal. I can get my workout in after Im done with the first lesson. Sorry, sweetie. I love you.

I love you, too, she replies, pushing her thick dark hair out of her face. She might be about to kiss me but the moment is lost a second later, as Angus falls off the counter while trying to reach the chin-up bar Ive installed in the mudroom doorway.

I dont end up getting that workout in after the first swim lesson because this is a Monday and my first lesson is followed by a second lesson, which is followed by a third.

Hodding. Whats that floating behind your back? Casey asks. I dont immediately look behind me because I think I know what she sees, and that means trouble. Instead I sneak a quick glance at Casey. Shes a five-year Y employee, head lifeguard, and my immediate charge. Seeing that Im the assistant aquatics director and shes just the head lifeguard, I shouldnt have a sudden, overwhelming sense of guilt and fear. But I do. She has this intimidating way about her. Its not because of her height, although Im sure shes six feet, and when shes smiling, she has the sweetest, most innocent-kid face imaginable. Its just that theres this other side to her that makes me and all the lifeguards want to make her happy. She frowns; we quake. Its that simple. The funniest thing about it is that she has no idea. Shes twenty and afraid of all of us.