Joshua Shifrin - Golf Jokes: 350 Hilarious Quips, Zingers, and Belly Laughs

Copyright 2021 by Joshua Shifrin

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Kai Texel

Cover illustration by Ian Baker

Interior images by Ian Baker

ISBN: 978-1-5107-6704-1

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-6705-8

Printed in China

Table of Contents

Introduction

I snt golf just the best game? Im guessing that if youre reading this book, you likely agree. The thrill starts early in the week as I anticipate my weekend round. As the weekdays mercifully inch toward pay dirt, I can almost feel the excitement of the first tee. Ive played countless rounds, yet the night before I meet up with my foursome, there are times I can barely sleep. I just lie in bed, thinking about how I am going to grip and rip my drive right down the first fairway. My irons are crisp, my short game is perfection, and Im surgically carving up the greens as I drain one putt after another. With my head heavy from a week of exhaustion, my heart is nevertheless pounding as I add up my ideal score card. Could it be? Is it possible? YES! Ive finally broken 70! As my comrades toast me at the 19th hole, I can almost taste how smooth my brewsky feels as it slides down my throat and I bask in my sheer domination and mastery of the game I love.

As I step into the first tee box with my dreams from merely hours earlier still dancing around in my subconscious, the inevitable, of course, happens. I stand with supreme confidence over that little dimpled white sphere and summarily slice my drive so severely that I could make the local butcher envious. And then it hits me like a four-iron to the noggin DAMN, golf is a difficult game!

I now have two options. Either give up this masochistic endeavornever!or go see my local shrink and discuss my woes at $250 an hour. As neither option sounds viable, I use the next best recourse. I laugh away my ineptitude. As any good doctor might tell me, Laughter is the best medicine. With this aphorism often apropos before I make the turn to the back nine, my fellow weekend warriors and I often search for the best quip to turn that snowman on the scorecard from tears of sorrow to tears of laughter.

With the aforementioned in mind, I have put together a list of the funniest, most humorous, side-stitching, belly-busting, toe-tickling (pick your preferred clich) list of comedic prose to keep you laughing throughout anything this amazing game can throw at you.

Without further ado, I give you Golf Jokes .

Golfers Glossary

Golf: An endless sequence of tragedies interrupted by the occasional miracle followed by a cold beer.

Oxymoron: An easy hole.

Politically correct: Golfers dont have handicaps; theyre stroke-challenged.

Golf etiquette: Always concede the fourth shot.

Mulligan: The reason golf balls come three to a sleeve.

Practice Tee: The place where most golfers go to adjust their severe slice into an even more severe hook.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain

Handicapped golfer: A golfer who plays with his or her boss.

Male golfer: A confused soul who most often talks about women while playing golf and speaks of golf when hes with a woman.

Mulligan: The aspiration to hit a second poor shot in a row.

Golfs law: There is a direct correlation between the number of people watching you golf and the likelihood that youll duff your next shot.

Fairway: A long piece of finely mowed grass running from the tee to the green normally found with a ball immediately to the left or right of it.

Gimme: An agreement between two poor putters.

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyones game. Its called an eraser.
Arnold Palmer

Just Putting Around

I m not really a bad putter; I just cant catch a break.

At the club championships, a man has a two-foot putt to win the tournament. When asked if it was a gimme, his playing partner informs him that he would have to hole it out. You know, says the man, a true gentleman would have conceded the putt. That may be true, comes the retort, but Im not a gentleman today Im a golfer.

How do golfers procrastinate at work? They putter around.

A professor was taking his first golf lesson. When they got to the green, the professor asked the pro, Is the word P-U-T or P-U-T-T ? The professional calmly explained, The word is P-U-T-T . You see, he explained, to P-U-T is to place something where you want it to go. To P-U-T-T is a hopeless effort to do the same thing.