Sean Kelly - How to Be Irish: (Even if You Already Are)

THE WEARING OF THE GREENING OF AMERICA

Sixteen percent of North Americans claim to be of Irish descent. And these days, the remaining 84 percent are green (mark you) with envy.

Because Irish is In.

Because everyone loves Riverdance. Because Angela's Ashes and How the Irish Saved Civilization topped the bestseller lists for years. Because Maeve Binchy and Roddy Doyle's hit novels become hit movies, and because Titanic, the hit movie of all time, contrasts the stultifying snobs in first class with the zesty Irish peasants below decks. Because everyone knows that Seamus Heaney is the world's greatest poet, Martin McDonagh is the world's greatest playwright, Joyce's Ulysses is the best novel of the century, U2 is the world's greatest rock band

So Irish is In.

It was, of course, not always so. Like other immigrant groups since, the Irish in America were at first despised and excluded: No Irish Need Apply, said the want ads. Next, their Irish-American children were patronized or marginalized. What the hell do I have to do to be called an American? demanded Joseph Kennedy. Finally, their grandchildren were nearly eliminated by assimilation. After JFK's election, the Irish very nearly (in the words of historian Noel Ignatiev) became white.

But now, Irish is In.

Long-closeted Hiberno-Americans are coming proudly out, while preppies, yuppies, and other WASP trendies are ransacking their family trees, desperate to uncover a Mick in the woodpile of their roots. So to speak.

And so, for both the fallen-away Irish and for everyone else who longs to beor to appear to bejust a wee bit Irish, we offer How to Be Irish.

CHAPTER 1

TYPICAL IRISH (The Choice Is Yours)

We are all Irish, all king's sons.

Alas, Stephen said.

Various character flaws, ranging from simple incompetence to cold-blooded treachery, are dismissed by the Irish themselves as typical Irish.

But youin order to pass for typical Irishmust first decide what Irish type you wish to pass for. Your choices have been nicely spelled out for you in the opening pages of that classic of Irish-American literature, Gone with the Wind.

Stage Irish: Scarlett, we read, has the easily stirred passiomiof her Irish father, Gerald O'Hara. A charming rogue, a natural-born rebel, and a drinking man, he is described as florid and bandy-legged, short nosed, wide mouthed and belligerenthard headed and blusteringthe brogue heavy on his tonguewith a hair trigger of temperwith a loud bark but no bite at all. Gerald has gone so far as to name his plantation Tara, after the palace of the ancient high king of Ireland.

Lace-Curtain Irish: Gerald has scant use for tfuT Macintoshes, Tara's aristocratic (and possibly Abolitionist) neighbors, who are Scotch-Irish and Orangemen from Ulsterclose-mouthed and stiff neckeddour and independent.

Shanty Irish: The nearby tenant-farming Slatterys are dismissed even by the O'Hara's slaves as white trash. He is shiftless and whining, she the snarly-haired mother to a brood of sullen and rabbity-looking children which increased every year.

So, sir or madam, which will it be for you? Stage, Lace-Curtain, or Shanty Irish?

Now, it may be argued that surely there are other sorts of Irish. Unfortunately, this is not so, or is no longer so. Read on.

Aka: the Ascendancy, the gentry, Old English, the