Colin Murphy - A Feckin Tour of Ireland: 50 Must Do Things

1. These 50 sites are grouped in their counties, which are ordered alphabetically.

(Thats welcome to yourself)

So youve arrived in Ireland to see the sights and enjoy the craic. And what better place to start your travels than between the pages of A Feckin Tour of Ireland: 50 Must-Do Things?

Unlike your normal dull-as-ditchwater travel guide, which will fill your head with cold facts and tedious travelogues, A Feckin Tour will enliven your voyage of discovery around the island of Irelands most famous sights with gansey-loads of Irish wit and blarney and even enlighten you with more than a few words of deadly Irish slang (see page 255). Full of fascinating facts, amusing anecdotes, hilarious histories and colourful culture, A Feckin Tour is the perfect travelling companion with which to explore Irelands scenic, historic landscapes and towns, while putting a smile on your face even when the weathers completely wojus!

So Cad mile filte go hEireann! For those who dont know, that means One hundred thousand welcomes to Ireland! Its pronounced Kade mee-lah fawl-che guh hair-in. Try saying that when youve had six pints of Guinness and a double Irish whiskey!

Titanic Belfast at the birthplace of Titanic

Y ouve seen the movies, youve read the books, youve watched the documentaries, now relive the whole shebang at the Titanic Belfast visitor attraction.

Now, one has to be honest, there is a question of taste to be considered here, as many people feel that theres something unsettling about a glossy extravaganza with rides and computer-generated wizardry concerning one of the greatest maritime tragedies in history. Still, one could probably make the same argument about the many movies made over the decades. Of course youre on your holliers and you dont want to hear any of that bad taste stuff, so lets bury our collective heads in the sea bed and go full steam ahead towards the iceberg.

First off, the imposing building itself is marvellous, the design based on the hull of the famed ship, though hopefully its made of sterner stuff.

Within youll find nine different galleries covering various aspects of Titanic, from its building to its rediscovery at the bottom of the Atlantic, and all the wet bits in between. The first two galleries give the background to Belfast at the start of the century and its shipbuilding industry, conveniently ignoring the widespread anti-Catholic sectarianism that existed at the time, which was particularly prevalent in Harland & Wolff. Then theres the Launch gallery, which overlooks the ginormous slipway from which Titanic was launched. In subsequent galleries you can discover all about the fit-out, and the vast differences between the toffs and plebs experience, the initial voyages from Belfast to Southampton to Cherbourg to Cobh in County Cork, during which Irish priest, Fr Francis Browne, photographed many of the unfortunates on board. The Sinking gallery tells the story of the tragedy to the sound of Morse Code and real survivors recounting their memories and is very touching. Then theres the Aftermath, the Myths & Legends and finally Titanic as it is today, with interesting footage from its watery grave.

Overall its an interesting experience. But this is not a museum as such, and there are no actual Titanic artefacts on display. The owners say this is for ethical reasons. Hmmm. Actual artefacts would have real historical and emotional resonances it seems, whereas high-tech gadgetry seems to make it more like a themed ride. But there you go. Make up your own mind. Anyway, its definitely worth a visit, if only to see the building itself. Oh and by the way, book in advance or youll end up having to hang around for a couple of hours.

But on the theme of questionable taste, we can get as questionable as the best of em! Which is why wed like to end with this joke:

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with Titanic? About half way.

The Dark Hedges, County Antrim

T he thing is, if youre a fan of the hit HBO show, Northern Ireland is the place to be, as about seventy per cent of the epic fantasy is shot here. Of course if youre not a fan, then terms like Renly Baratheon, Aerys II Targaryen and Quellon Greyjoy will hold all the attraction for you of being locked into a room with an insurance salesman.

But as the series had hundreds of millions of fans, well work on the principle that you have some interest, or at least that your holiday companion is going to drag you along to the locations whether you feckin like it or not!

The first thing to know is that there are more official tours on offer than there are nudie scenes in the series, which is an awful lot. The tours are mostly by bus, but also by taxi, bike and boat! A lot of them start and end in Belfast, but some also depart from Dublin and Derry (the boat tour starts in Strangford, about 30 km south of Belfast). Any tourist office or hotel lobby in Northern Ireland will have leaflets on myriad options, some of which involve you dressing up in wacky Game of Thrones costumes and waving swords and hatchets like a big eejit.

Among the locations you can visit are:

Magheramore Quarry, 20 km north of Belfast, which, with the help of computer-generated imagery (CGI), doubles as The Wall and the entrance to Castle Black.

Cairncastle, a further 10 km north, was where it all began with the nice beheading of a deserter. The actual castle in the series was also a CGI creation, but you can still walk to the pretty glen along the Ulster Way (joining the trail in the Cairncastle car park) and stand beneath the cliffs imagining the deserters blood squirting from his headless body, or whatever youre into.

To the west youll see Slemish Mountain. Previously famed as the place where St Patrick was enslaved as a youth, the grassy valley beneath it more recently provided the location of a Dothraki camp early in the series.

The beautiful Cushendun Caves, further to the north, acted the part of The Stormlands, and where Melisandre gives birth to the shadow assassin. We assume this is all making sense to you?

Follow the northern coast until you reach Ballintoy Harbour, otherwise known to GOT experts as Pyke and Iron Islands.

Just down the road is Larrybane Quarry, where Brienne bested Ser Loras, just so you know.