Danielle Shontae Smith - A Map You Cannot Refold

Prologue

CW: Brief mention of body image disturbance and disordered eating behavior

Because I will simply look at myself and hate everything I see.

Because the year was 2013, and I still had, perhaps, 40 unwanted pounds remaining on my body. The culprit? Emotional eating. Its cause? Covertly plotting to leave my toxic, cohabiting relationship was much more complicated and had taken a lot longer than expected. I admitted in the talk that one of the first thoughts I had after learning I was selected to speak was How much weight can I lose by June 1st? The sad truth is I was disappointed that Id had seven weeks to lose weightto engage in the unhealthy calorie restriction and over-exercising with which I was much too familiarbut, in those seven weeks, I had not given into those impulses, and I didnt lose any weight.

Because I hated the outfit I picked out. Why did I wear that?! The night before, I spent hours shopping, trying to recreate the look Id seen other female speakers wear: nice jeans, a feminine top, and some flats. I couldnt find any jeans I liked, so I chose slacks. I convinced myself I needed to buy a sweater because I hated how my arms looked; they werent the same toned arms I once had. My slacks were wrinkled from sitting. The flats I bought rubbed the back of my foot raw. I felt frumpy and was uncomfortable the entire time.

Because I know I will hate the way I pronounced a word, or I will notice the absence of yet another thing I wish I had said. When I originally wrote my talk, I wanted to close with a quote by Molly Crabapple, an artist and writer I had recently discovered. Toward the end of her gorgeous article Diego, Frida, and Me, Crabapple has a message for women and artists: Explore the radical possibilities of facing outwards. Take up space. Be big. I loved those words. I thought they stated so well what I wanted to say; however, I dont recall why I didnt include them. I wish I had. Perhaps I feared I wasnt an animated or vibrant enough speaker to end in the way I wanted. Perhaps I felt that I didnt deserve to speak those words.

Because I could imagine someone stumbling across my video one day and saying, Oh, geez. This isnt what a TED Talk should be. Theyll let just anybody do a TED Talk these days.

***

Hosted by Western Washington Universitys Student Outreach Services (SOS), the inaugural TEDxWWU was curated specifically for the departments student population: first in their families to attend college, historically underrepresented and underserved, or with high financial need. Students with similar backgrounds to my own.

Led by event organizer Marli Williams, the planning team selected the theme Renovations: Building Our Future to apply to this target audience directly. They wanted speakers to deliver messages that would be meaningful for their students to hear. When coming to college, these students often struggle to transition between their home communities and university because the two sites are often in conflict. In the academy, educators often tell students (indirectly or directly) that their previous ways of knowing and being are inadequate. Educators often view students through a lens of deficit, not strength. Our educational institutions ask a lot of our students: tuition and fees, years of study, patience as they navigate bureaucratic red tape, school pride. What educators dont ask themselves nearly enough: From what rich foundations do our students draw? What aspects of their identities do students feel they must leave at home to be accepted on campus? What parts of themselves must they leave behind on campus to still be accepted at home?