Andy Kessler - How to Kick Ass On Wall Street

Andy Kessler

Author of Wall Street Meat, Running Money and Eat People

Copyright 2012 by Andy Kessler

All rights reserved,
including the right of reproduction in whole
or in part in any form.

Escape Velocity Press

www.andykessler.com

All right ! You got a job on Wall Street. Way to go. Welcome aboard. If history is any gui d e, y oure wicked smart, a great athlete and know somebody. Or any combo of the above. Dont matter. You got the job. Feels good, right? When you got the offer, y ou were probably as pumped as Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro, Yes! Give me ten Norton ! Everyone can eat shit! A big bag of shit! Ha ha ha! I'm the greatest man in the world! Whoo!

OK. Not so fast. All you got was a ticket to the dance. Now what? Y oure set for life, right? Uh, wellnot really. Actually, f ar from it . Since its near-death experience in 2008, Wall Street has been mutating into something far different than its fabled land of golden dreams.

But so what? You got the job. And y oure going to be overpaid. And making more than almost every single one of your friends with real jobs. But dont get smug, not yet anyway. T he trick is not landing on Wall Street, its staying on Wall Street and excelling on W all Street and staying overpaid for a long, long time.

This is not your fathers Wall Street where any bumbling idiot could (and did) answer phones all day and pull in six figures. I used to work with them. Now, i ts nasty out there. Harder than its ever been. Itll c hew you up and spit you out like nothing youve ever experienced. Thats OK. I assume your tough enough. Just be ready for it.

So you should j ust hunker down and do as you r e told, right? WRONG. I f you sit on your ass and do all the things your hemorrhoid-annoyed boss tells you to do, y oull end up a doormat an d stepped on and replaced when the newer , prettier version comes along . Youve got to make a name for yourself. Stand out. Become indispensible.

Who am I to tell you all this? Well, I spent 20+ years on Wall Street and though I cant profess to know everything, Ive seen a lot. And Ive been involved in a lot of crazy things - I was a research analyst, a not very good investment banker, a venture capitalist and ran a $1 billion hedge fund . And just when I think Ive seen it all, something even more bizarre hits. Its hard to keep a level head. But a strong gut and steady resolve is the trick to makin g a name and creating longevity through boom times and through the disasters.

The highs are highs and the lows are face down in the gutter. Wall Street is not a charity and youre going to prove yourself again and again and again as worthy. When you start, youll meet a lot of different folks. Most will be the smartest mofos youve ever met. Scary smart. Others will have a last name like Rockefeller or Throckmorton and cant even tie their shoes. Others may look disheveled and be a secret genius (including a few Rocks and Throcks.) Others will just confuse you as in how- the -hell-did-they-get-a job- here, I thought there were standards (usually a nephew or son-in-law of a client or long retired muckity muck.) It doesnt matter. Youre there. You got the job (Give me ten Norton, etc.) Now youve got to execute. Not today, not tomorrow, but over the next number of years.

OK, here are the big things you really need to understand and do to kick ass on Wall Street. To do well, youve got to do most of the following :

Figure Out The Meritocracy

Make A Good First I mpression

U nderstand The B ig P icture

Find the Right Role

G et A M entor

L ock Down C lients

B e A H ero

G uard Your R eputation

Get P aid

Read, Read, R ead

Ill get into all of them.

But b efore getting into all that, first let me throw you a little armchair philosophy. Working on Wall Street is a privilege. Youve been chosen. Even before you start working, you will be labeled a snobby rich bastard and a flesh-eating soulless baby seal cub beater. And worse. In other word, others want to tear you down.

Lots of unemployed and unemployable protesters lived in smelly parks in tents to Occup y Wall Street. And for all I know, they probably still do. You, because of your job, are part of the 1%, even if you havent made a penny yet. The implication of the 1% label is that you exploit the other 99%. Nothing further is from the truth.

Some of it is envy, some of it is rationalization for the Occupiers own failures, and some of it is because groups just need something to protest and what the heck, ripping on a bunch of rich (predominately) white dudes doesnt violate any of the unwritten political correctness standards and rules.

Im not here to rationalize why you chose a job on Wall Street vs. building huts in Costa Rica. Thats youre doing. Ive put this together to explain how Wall Street works and what I think you need to do to succeed.

I look at Wall Street as the lubricant that greases the gears of the economy. Without capital and finances raised by Wall Street, those gears would freeze up. Were still going through the hangover from the financial crisis when the grease did disappear for months on end. Wall Street sneezed and the World caught pneumonia.

Wall Street is not a bunch of greedy bastards shaking down Main Street for every last dime although there are plenty of those types of ass wipes that do work on Wall Street. Wall Street provides a needed function in the economy. I t is real. It provides r eal economic value. You will generate wealth, for yourself AND for society. Really. But believe me, its h ard , if not outright impossible, for most others to see this value.

Movies like Wall Street dont help. Nor does Bernie Madoff or any of the other villains. And what the heck, Goldman Sachs Lloyd Blankfein and JP Morgans Jamie Dimon dont help the cause with their massive compensation. I think they deserve their due , but they should take it all in stock and sell it when they retire.

Im proud of my 20+ years working on Wall Street. Maybe Im just rationalizing its economic purpose to make myself feel good and so I have something to talk about at cocktail parties. But I dont think so.

Youll figure this out for yourself.

But in the mean time, just understand that no matter how you got there, your job and your payday and your social position are not a gift. You have to deserve it.

And when you do well, you will .

OK, first things first. There are a few things you should know about Wall Street.

Part of the charm of Wall Street, and what scares most reasonable people away, is that it is as close to a meritocracy as exists on this earth. Thats good news and bad.

Its Dog Eat Dog. And the dogs are angry Rottweilers. Its sink or swim. Vanity Fair magazine ran a piece recently on the succession plans at Goldman Sachs with this memorable line in it: Goldman is a league of gladiators, according to a former partner. That says it all!

You do a trade and it makes money, then youre a star (for that moment) and deserve a bonus. You bring in a deal, you get paid big time . You lasso more clients assets under your firms roof, and youre a hitter. I once discovered some good news on the stocks I followed before the rest of the Street, and mentioned it to the sales force at a morning meeting . It moved markets in New York, Tokyo and London. The next day, I was quoted in the Wall Street Journal and the Nikkei Shinbun as having caused the market move (it was the news, not me, but pretty cool anyway.) That morning on my way to my office, I had the head of global equities pat my head on the elevator ride up the next morning. Pat my head! I was told he never does that.