Lynette Padwa - Say the Magic Words: How to Get What You Want from the People Who Have What You Need

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Table of Contents

LYNETTE PADWA is the author of the bestselling Everything You Pretend to Know and Are Afraid Someone Will Ask and coauthor of If You Could Hear What I See (with Kathy Buckley), Moses on Management (with David Baron), and For Mothers of Difficult Daughters (with Dr. Charney Herst). She lives in Los Angeles.

TO MY SON, GRANT PALMER

AUTHORS NOTE

Some of the people interviewed for this book requested anonymity. Their pseudonyms appear as first names with last initials.

INTRODUCTION

THE GOLDEN RULE ON STEROIDS

I always believed in the Golden Rule. It made sense that if you did unto others as you would have them do unto you, everybody ought to be happy. There was just one flaw, and it took me a while (years) to figure it out: other people often wanted something different done unto them than I did. Unless I knew what they wanted, it didnt matter how nicely I smiled or whether I said please and thank you. They still viewed me as an outsider, a wellintentioned lame-o, or a mark.

But if I knew what they wantedwhat they specifically needed in order to feel as if I understood them and was one of themah, the power! And it was even better when I knew the things that irritated them so I could avoid saying or doing those things. With that knowledge, the Golden Rule was elevated from a feeble plea to a magical incantation. It was the Golden Rule on steroids.

This book is the result of my personal quest to get that information from the people who have what we need, whether it is a sandwich, an apartment, or a Maserati. The chapters profile the professionals, tradespeople, and salespeople who make up the supporting cast in the lives of most of us. My goal was to learn about their jobs from their point of view, educate myself about their fields, and ask them point-blank what sort of behavior they appreciated and what really ticked them off. They were delighted to tell me, as nobody had asked them before.

Each of these chapters is a mini-dossier that reveals the standard mind-set of people toiling in a particular field. It gives the lowdown on current working conditions, pay, and general morale. It provides the inside scoop about timingwhen to make a hotel reservation or to schedule an appointment with an attorney, a parent-teacher conference, or your childs yearly checkup. The chapters explain behaviors that have mystified common folk for ages, such as why the doctor brushes off your complaints about pain or why the contractor brushes off your half-completed kitchen. You will find out exactly what to say and do to get on these peoples good side so they will want to help you. Just as important, you will learn what not to say and do. You will know which questions to ask, which to look out for, and when to be quiet.

Nearly every one of these relationships involves an exchange of money (the exceptions are teachers and politicians), yet success rarely depends on the fee. It s about grasping the essence of the jobs, the politics involved, and the forces that push and pull them. If you know these details, you will know that what a teacher really wants at the end of the year is not a two-pound box of chocolates but a letter of thanks with a copy sent to her principal. You will know that asking your lawyer why he got into the law will make you one of his favorite clients. You will realize that the best way to win a nannys confidence is to grill her mercilessly on the first interview.

Two of the chapters expose the strategies of car salesmen and funeral directorsfleeting players in your daily life, but ones who can ream large holes in your bank account. In those cases, theres not much point in trying to win them over; its either eat or be eaten. I have provided more in-depth dossiers on these salespeople and their businesses: background information about the industries, where to find the wholesale costs of the items you are buying from them, and most important, how to deflect the psychological ploys they will use to manipulate you. Its so much easier to be civil when you come prepared.

I have to admit that I was hoping the research I conducted for this book would reveal a Platinum Rule that applied to everyone after all. No such luck. There were some basic principleshuman beings like other human beings who are polite, appreciative, and free of body odorbut beyond that, only one common theme stood out: people desperately want to succeed at what they do. Its almost as if success equals survival. Doctors want to heal you. Teachers want your child to learn. Car salesmen want to sell you a car. Mechanics want to fix it. Waiters want you to like the service. Lawyers want to win the case. When people are not successful, they become petulant, fearful, and uncooperative. If something about you gives them the impression that you will make them fail, they will be less willing to help you. If they sense that they will succeed with you, they will go out of their way to return your calls, honor their agreements, and save you the booth by the window. The key, then, is to give them the impression that they will succeed. This book will show you how. Ah, the power!

HAIRDRESSER

ONE CUT CLOSER TO THE DREAM

Forget the Middle East conflict. What the world really needs is a fact-finding mission between two cultures that have been alienated even longer: hairdressers and their clients. One group is armed with sharp, pointy instruments, the other cowers in the simple black sheath of the condemned. One wants to create art, the other wants to be transformed in 45 minutes. Too often, both sides leave the arena disappointed. Beneath the chirpy bye-byes runs an undercurrent of frustration and dashed hopes. The salon that promises peace and pampering instead delivers angst, intimidation, and self-loathing. And I am not being overly dramaticthis is hair were talking about.

There is no dynamic quite like the one that exists between hairdresser and client. Cutting hair is technically a service, but the act is so intimate that normal social divisions quickly become blurred. Compare hairstyling to any other professional relationship: Do you worry about insulting your mechanic if he hasnt fixed your car correctly? Or hurting your accountants feelings if she hasnt prepared your taxes on time? No, because it is a business relationship. With a hairdresser, a personal bond can develop in just a few visits, based on the physical contact and the need to fill the time with chitchat. Suddenly the stylist feels like a friend, and you dont want to criticize her work. You may freely tell her about how you lost your virginity, but when it comes to admitting that you dont like the tint she used, you clam up. After a bad cut or color, chances are you will flee without ever telling the stylist what you didnt like.

There are better ways to handle the disappointment and increase the odds that you will leave the salon thrilled, reborn, looking ten years younger... or at least somewhat satisfied.

Behind the Scenes: Ticklish Territory

The hairdressers position is simple: he wants to make you happy so you will come back. Most hairdressers are far less sensitive and temperamental than you might think; they understand that not every cut or dye job will be successful. They want you to tell them what you desire and, if you dont like the result, to let them know so they can fix it (usually for free). They wont start crying or storm off in a snit. They value your friendship, yes, but they depend on your business to pay their rent. Honest feedback is preferable to insincere flattery.

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