Jack Knox - Hard Knox: Musings from the Edge of Canada

[ Advance praise for Hard Knox ]

You want funny? Youve come to the right place. This is Jack Knox, heir apparent to Stephen Leacock, at his high-flying best. Witty, wry, breezy and wholly original, Knox wields his humour with a deft hand and a sure grip. Canada needs more Knox!

WILL FERGUSON

three-time winner of the Leacock Medal for Humour

There are a few key secrets to a happy life in Victoriaavoiding downtown when the cruise ships are in, knowing exactly how late you can get to the ferry terminal, and reading Jack Knox.

MARK LEIREN-YOUNG

author of The Killer Whale Who Changed the World and the Leacock Medalwinning Never Shoot a Stampede Queen

Jack Knox isnt just a words guy, although thats important. Hes also a guy with an eye (okay, two) for the inane and a mind geared to asking, What if? And thats where the words come in, because he takes all that stuff, bounces it off the wall, and cranks out observations always amusing, mostly spot-on, and often fall-down funny. Plus, he doesnt think proper grammar is grandpas prissy wife. Aint a lot of that left.

JIM TAYLOR

sports columnist (ret.), author of And to Think I Got in Free! Highlights from Fifty Years on the Sports Beat

Jack Knox is one funny guy, but dont let the word play and wit fool you. Hes a sharp and savvy observer of the Vancouver Island scene, and his affection for the place and its people shines through in his writing.

JODY PATERSON

journalist and communications stategist

Hard Knox may cause dizziness, light-headedness, coughing fits, and sore ribs from laughing. If conditions persist after 224 pages, consult your bookseller about a sequel.

TOM HAWTHORN

journalist and author of Deadlines: Obits of Memorable British Columbians

Copyright 2016 Jack Knox

Foreword copyright 2016 Ian Ferguson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, audio recording, or otherwisewithout the written permission of the publisher or a licence from Access Copyright, Toronto, Canada.

Heritage House Publishing Company Ltd.

heritagehouse.ca

CATALOGUING INFORMATION AVAILABLE FROM LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA

978-1-77203-149-2 (pbk)

978-1-77203-150-8 (epub)

978-1-77203-151-5 (epdf)

Copyediting by Grace Yaginuma

Proofread by Kari Magnuson

Cover and interior book design by Jacqui Thomas

Cover images: portrait of Jack Knox based on photo by Darren Stone;

boxing glove illustration by Meriel Jane Waissman/iStockphoto.com

Interior illustrations by Jacqui Thomas

We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (CBF) and the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British Columbia through the British Columbia Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.

To Lucille,
who has stuck with me for more than thirty years. I question her judgement.

FOREWORD

Jack Knox owes me money. Not for this foreword, which I am both honoured and privileged to provide (a phrase I am lifting directly from every hockey interview ever: Dougie, you scored thirteen goals in the third period, nine of them while balancing a Faberg egg on a spoon; this truly has to be one of the greatest individual efforts in the history of the sport. You know, it takes twenty guys working together and we had a pretty good game and its an honour and a privilege to be part of this team.). Besides, Canadian publishers can barely afford advances for their authors, let alone pay some guy for writing the part of the book that even the most dedicated readers will skim over. No, the reason Jack Knox owes me money is because I like to start my day with a cup of coffee and the Times Colonist newspaper, which employs Jack Knox as a columnist. So hes a columnist for the Colonist. Hes also one of the funniest writers in Canada, and hands down the funniest column writer in the entire country. Which is not intended as faint praise, because we have some very funny folks here in the Great White North, and many of them have the job of providing humorous articles for newspapers or magazines. Butas funny as others might benone of them is funnier than Jack Knox.

This is why he owes me money. When I lurch out of bed in the morning and stagger bleary-eyed, in my pajama bottoms and faded Worlds Greatest Uncle T-shirt (which I won fair and square, mainly by a rather liberal interpretation of what constitutes healthy food and a proper bedtime) out onto my front porch, fumbling for the newspaper, I am both looking forward to and apprehensive about how the rest of the start of my day will unfold. Once I glance at the headlines (Worlds Shortest Bridge Still Over Budget and Still Not Finished, New Proposal for Sewage Treatment Plant Presented in Interpretive Dance, Mayors Plan to Allow Backyard Chicken Coops Applauded by Raccoon and Fox Lobby), I immediately turn to page three, to read Jack Knox. Thats the part I mentioned I look forward to. The part I said I was apprehensive about is when what hes written makes me laugh so hard I snort coffee all over my kitchen table. And my newspaper, of course, which is why I believe he owes me money. They dont give the Times Colonist away for free (though that may soon be part of the business model), and theres been many a day that started with my copy soaked with Folgers (Im not a coffee gourmet, viewing it strictly as a caffeine-delivery system, which makes living in a city with a barista on every block a tad ironic), which means Im not going to be able to read my horoscope (Today will be a good day to use a J-Cloth.) or, even worse, the comics. I get a bit grumpy when I cant keep up with The Other Coast because the pages are too wet to turn, and coffee stains often ruin the punchline. This is why I moved to Victoria. I used to read Jacks columns online, and I got tired of spraying coffee all over my laptop keyboard. It was cheaper to relocate.

Heres the thing. Jack Knox isnt just a humorist. Hes got a real job. Hes a journalist. He also writes incisive and detailed feature articles and incredibly moving and thoughtful human-interest stories. So hes not just funny. But when he is funny, hes laugh-out-loud funny. And hes funny on a deadline. I get asked to write the odd (sometimes very odd) column. Occasionally Macleans will call up wondering if I might do a piece on the best Canadian jokes, or the Globe and Mail will request something amusing about hockey, or the National Post will ask me to comment on some political gaffe. Im always happy to oblige, and Im always astonished by the amount of time and effort it takes to come up with 750 or so words about whatever subject theyve suggested. Well, to be honest, coming up with 750 or so words isnt actually all that hard. Coming up with 750 or so