Hannah Evans - MOB Rule: Lessons Learned by a Mother Of Boys

Accident and emergency information every MOB should know

• Bumps and bruises are part of son street-cred.
• At around four years of age, the Testosterone Fairy comes and sprinkles hormones on to your previously biddable boy. So, when your tot turns overnight into a ferocious fiend who can trip over air, you can laugh ever so lightly in his outraged face, in the knowledge that his behaviour is entirely boy normal.
• You should never leave the house without feel-better Buttons.
• Miss knows best. And if Miss says that that teeny, tiny scratch needs a leg-length bandage and continual TLC, then shes right. And youre not.
• Savlon is magic: it can make absolutely anything better. But if you dont have Savlon, any cream will do.

They say you should never judge a book by its cover. And of course, like so many others, I did. But the production and publication of MOB Rule has changed all that. It has opened my eyes to quite how many people are involved in publishing each and every book.

As I am frequently reminded, I have a tendency to talk so here I will do my very best to be brief.

To my family and friends who have lived, breathed and sometimes even experienced MOB Rule : thank you for your enthusiasm, patience, coffees and chat.

To Neil Taylor, my agent, friend and boys football coach: thank you for putting your time and faith into an unknown author.

To the highly professional yet totally personal team at Bloomsbury: thank you all for transforming my words on a page into a real-life book. And to my editor in particular, Helen Garnons-Williams: thank you for your ever-so-light touch with astonishing effect.

To my husband, FOB and best friend, Charles: thank you for always believing in me, even when I dont!

And finally, to my boys: thank you Toby, Barney and Josh, for being inspiring, adorable, but most importantly, you.

And the five things that you just will not now, or ever, do...

• Show boys how to clean their bits in the bath... that is something that should always be delegated to Dad.
• Discuss in detail the evolvement and HP of each and every bloomin Pokemon.
• Spend an entire weekend watching sport (any, including football) on TV. Live: possibly; on a screen: in his dreams.
• Participate in ice-smashing sorties on the way to school, obviously wearing as little season-appropriate clothing as possible.
• Museums involving vehicles of any shape or form. Fully fledged MOB maybe but dont push it.

Are We Nearly There Yet?

The best travel games for Boys on board

• I spy although for reasons of sanity best to wait till they know all of their alphabet.
• Count the number of cars/tractors/drunks/roadkill on the road. Adapt according to location.
• I went shopping and I bought... memory game. But only play this if you accept you wont win.
• Sums (addition/subtraction/multiplication... whatever). Can (and does) go on for ever. Warning: this is not a game to embark on when youre tired. Serious risk of falling asleep at the wheel.
• Create the longest word possible from number-plate letters. A bit like travel Scrabble. Therefore, be prepared for outraged discussion and violent debate. Never a good idea when crammed in a car.
• Alternatively, forget all the above and beg, buy or steal a travel DVD player. Believe me, give in once and youll never look back.

A by-no-means exhaustive list of my Manuals of Motherhood

• Raising Boys (Steve Biddulph)
• The New Contented Little Baby Book (Gina Ford)
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus ( John Gray)
• New Toddler Taming (Dr Christopher Green)
• Beyond Toddlerdom (Dr Christopher Green)
• Child of Our Time (Tessa Livingstone)
• Siblings Without Rivalry (Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish)
• Why Men Dont Listen & Women Cant Read Maps (Allan & Barbara Pease)
• Your Baby & Child: From Birth to Age Five (Penelope Leach)

A Lady-led approach to the Fundamental Facts of Life

Do not:

• Tell your tot that the Tampax in your handbag is Mummys special sweet... unless, of course, you accept that hell take the inevitable next step.
• Tell your boy that he didnt actually come out of the place where you wee... unless, of course, youre willing to put the evidence on show.
• Tell your son that the roadkill on the lane is just having a kip... unless, of course, youre happy that he brings it back home and puts it to bed.
• Tell your child that calling someone sexy is like saying theyre pretty... unless, of course, youre comfortable with him telling his teacher shes looking super-sexy today.
• Tell your male that he consists mostly of little fish and an egg... unless, of course, youre an expert at cooking vegan cuisine.

A Mystery la Blyton for a Bevy of Boys

Chapter 1: In which Sensible Son makes a shocking discovery...

I cant believe its the end of the hols already! said Sensible Son.
I know, agreed Tom. It feels like weve only just broken up and yet weve had six whole weeks of school-free frolics!
Dick grinned. Camping... swimming... sailing...surfing...
And ice creams! added Binary Boy, licking his lips. Dont forget the ice creams.
Werent they wizard! agreed Feisty Fellow. Simply spiffing! He made short work of an imaginary ice cream with his oversized tongue.
Everyone chortled happily without a care in the world. It was a glorious September day: sparkling sunshine with just the slightest of chills, to remind you that autumn was right around the bend. Indeed, the leaves on the trees had just started to turn golden brown; it would be conker time soon. Hip hip hurrah!
What shall we do today? asked Tom. The days too smashing to waste!
How about a bicycle ride? suggested Harry. I can pop home over the fields to get mine. Mum could make us all a picnic and we can bike up to the lake.
Great idea! chorused everyone. Your mums picnics are always absolutely top notch homemade Scotch eggs, hand-reared sausage rolls and lashings and lashings of just-grated ginger beer!
Right then, organised Sensible Son. Ill just get Dad to fix my brakes quickly theyre ever so unattractively squeaky and then well all meet back here at five p.m. sharp. His fellow adventurers nodded their agreement and prepared to speed off. Oh, and make sure you bring extra emergency rations... just in case!
A bevy of boys set off in all directions, promising to return for five p.m. prompt. A bicycle ride and a picnic how utterly unimaginable, two treats in one day!
The boys met at five p.m. sharp. Everyone was grinning excitedly. Everyone, that is, except...Sensible Son.
I cant find my bicycle! said Sensible Son, dismally. Ive looked absolutely everywhere and its just vanished into thin air.
Well, if youve looked everywhere, then theres only one explanation. Sensible Son, said Dick, solemnly, your bicycles been... STOLEN!
The boys gasped and then nodded. There was only one thing for it.
If their friends bicycle had been stolen, then it was up to them to help solve the mystery. Armed with only a shortage of clues and an out-of-date map, they would work together to find Sensible Sons bicycle and, even more importantly, to catch the THIEF!

Hannah Evans has previously explored the world of the MOB in a number of articles, most notably in the Guardian . She lives with her husband and three boys in Devon.

Contents

Definition of a sweater:
An item of clothing worn by a son when his mother is chilly

Essential strategies for living with boys bits

• Install industrial drains with minimal U-bends.
• Ration toilet paper.