Kathleen Bacus - Calamity Jayne

To my mother, Betty,

for passing along the newspaper clipping

that started it all. Thanks, Mom!

To my eldest son, Nick,

and the triplets, Katie, Erick and Ashley,

for enduring way too many soup and salad nights

and micro-meals, and where the Chinese Buffet
became home-cooked. Thanks for hanging in

there with me, guys. Youre the greatest!

And finally, to Glynna,

who never let me give up.

Youre next, woman!

CALAMITY
JAYNE

Contents

Know what you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

My lip curled. Despite the distorted cutting in and out of the Dairee Freeze intercom, Id know that voice anywhere. You know why Indians didnt scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalos butt was more manageable. May I take your order, please?

I was going to order some buffalo wings, but youve spoiled the moment. How about a chicken basket with onion rings?

With mouthwash on the side, I hope. Anything to drink?

A strawberry shake sounds good.

Thatll be five seventy-four. Please pull ahead.

I waited for the vehicle to move up, annoyed that this particular customer always seemed to know when I was working the drive-through. He pulled his candy apple red, four-by-four Chevy pickup truck alongside the narrow window.

You still workin here, Calamity? he asked. Gotta be a record. He did an exaggerated head slap. Oh, thats right. Your uncle owns the place. You have job security. He shoved a five and a one in my direction. Keep the change, he said with a grin.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Ranger, sir, I remarked. Not working today? No reports of rabid skunks in the yard, snakes in the birdhouse, or bats in the bedroom? No varmints to relocate? No mating pelicans to spy on? Hey, somebody nailed a squirrel over at Second and Arthur. The tail was still moving. You might check that out.

Rick Townsend worked for the state Division of Natural Resources, enforcing fish and game laws. Three years ahead of me in school, Ranger Rick as I liked to call him, was, and still is, best buddy to my brother, Craig. And he was, and still is, a mega-irritant to me. Good-looking enough to be on magazine coversand were not talking Field and Stream here, ladiesRick Townsend was still single and always looking. He had been known to step out with my archrival from my high school days, Annette Felders, a snobby brunette with drill team thighs and perfect hair, hence my brunette joke.

No roadkill for me today, brat, but thanks for the tip. I plan to do some water-skiing later on. Id ask you to join us, but, well, with you working two jobs... He stuck his hands out, palms up, in a what-can-you-do? pose.

I grabbed his shake and passed it out the window to him, my fingers tightening around the cup, much as they ached to stiffen around his big, tanned, arrogant neck. The plastic lid popped off and the contents of the cup erupted over the sides and down my hand.

I thrust the mess at him. Now see what youve done!

Me? What did I do?

You provoked me, thats what. I grabbed his chicken basket and dumped it in a sack. You always provoke me.

Thats cause youre so much fun to watch get all riled up, Tressa, he had the audacity to admit.

I shoved his sack of food at him. Will there be anything else, sir? I asked, ticked at him but furious with myself for rising to his bait.

Some ketchup would be nice. Oh, and one more thing. Did you hear about the blonde who sold her car so she would have gas money?

I grabbed a handful of ketchup packets and baseballed them out the drive-up window. Unfortunately, Ranger Rick had moved on.

One of these days Im going to get the best of that Neanderthal, I said to no one in particular. I was going to have to spend yet another day slaving away at two jobs in order to pay the bills, while Joe Cool would be spending the afternoon on the lake, enjoying early Junes unseasonably warm weather. Hes been a thorn in my side for more years than I care to count. A burr under my saddle. A pain in the

Tressa, please, we have customers, Aunt Regina shushed me.

Neck. I was going to say neck, Aunt Reggie.

She nodded. Of course you were, Tressa. Of course you were. Dont you think youd better get going? What time do you have to be at Bargain City?

My shift starts at two today, I answered, taking off my navy blue apron and handing it over to my aunt. Ill have to go home and shower the deep fat fry smell off me, or Toby in sporting goods will be tailing me all night.

I work at a discount chain store in the electronics department. No, I didnt volunteer for electronics; it was the only opening available when I was looking for a job. As I frequently was. I figured I could bluff my way through, although I still have difficulty programming my VCR, dont know hip-hop from bebop, and am clueless when it comes to the latest popular video game systems. Still, with all those TVs in my department, I kept current on all the soaps, solved societys problems with Montel and Maury, and applauded Judge Judys kick-butt justice. I could then receive free therapy with Dr. Phil after watching the aforementioned shows. Oh, and I got paid for it in the bargain. Id say here my momma didnt raise no dummies, but the jurys still out on that one, I guess.

I jumped into my car, a 1987 white Plymouth Reliant four-door. Hey, its all I can afford! I started it up, and cursed when I saw the gas gauge. The needle was below a quarter of a tank, and I put ten bucks worth in the other day. My little beater was going through petrol like my grandma went through Poligrip. I sniffed and frowned when I caught a whiff of gas (the car kind, not the onion ring kind). Just what I needed a repair bill for a car that was on its last tires anyway. I wheeled out of the parking lot and checked my watch. Just enough time to run home, feed the critters, shower and change before heading back out for another exciting eight-hour shift at Bargain City.