Becky Crew - Zombie birds, astronaut fish, and other weird animals

I was standing in the most exquisite living room I had ever seen, disguised in a bear costume that was chafing the hell out of my left thigh. I had been commissioned by an editor acquaintance of mine to report on a rapidly emerging phenomenon known as Animals Anonymous, which, if the rumors were to be believed, was like the most neurotic menagerie ever assembled.

I was instructed to head to the public pool for my first meeting if I was of the aquatic persuasion. I said, Actually, Im a bear, so was given directions to the home of a very well-respected Spanish ribbed newt.

The newt had made himself a tidy fortune as a venture capitalist before retiring to a newly acquired Beaux-Arts mansion in the leafy part of town. I only ever saw his living room, complete with walls inlaid with mother-of-pearl, rich antique walnut furniture, and ceiling-to-floor drapes embroidered with 22-carat gold, but its safe to say this newt is very good at buying houses. Which is fortunate, because all bug-eyed and grayish skinned, he wasnt the most attractive amphibian Id come across.

Take a seat, were about to begin, he told me.

I sank into the nearest armchair, and if beleaguered thighs could breathe a sigh of relief, my left one poured itself a glass of red.

The rest of the attendees took their seats, and soon enough, there were all kinds of frogs and lizards and rodents and birds gathered in groups of three or four on each. There were bats hanging from the drapes and a collection of insects and arachnids peering out from over the rim of a silver tureen. A giant panda eyed me from across the room in a way that made me feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Eurasian Roller, why dont you start things off? said the Spanish ribbed newt.

Okay, a striking gold and turquoisecolored bird replied gloomily. Hi, Im Eurasian Roller, and being an animal is ruining my life.

Hi, Eurasian Roller, the room droned.

My nest is in a pretty dangerous part of town, she continued, and I cant come home from a day of foraging without the chicks having thrown up all over the place. Theyre always getting spooked. All I ever do at home is clean up vomit.

Is this something that can be treated with therapy? offered a minuscule, warty toad perched very deliberately on the sheerest edge of its chair.

No, its just the curse of our species. I should have sent the damned things to boarding school when I had the chance.

As the night progressed, each animal told its story, ranging from, My mother insists I eat her and Im just not sure Im ready for that, to Theres a pretty good chance Im going to fuck an empty beer bottle once this meeting is over.

Im in heat and Im the only panda in town, said the giant panda. Im only in heat once a year. Its unbearable. She never took her eyes off me.

And whats your story, Mr.?

Ted. And its Ms., I said. The giant panda looked away, mortified.

Terribly sorry, Ms. Ted, said the newt.

Easy mistake. My furs always given off an ambiguous vibe, genderwise. I guess thats why my parents left me when I was seventeen months old. Ive never really gotten over it.

No one seemed particularly moved by my fabricated confession, particularly the spider who said, Did you not just hear my story about my mother? The eating ?

I changed the subject. Spanish Ribbed Newt, can I ask what your story is?

His puffy eyes looked suddenly very sad. I have everything in the world that a male could want, except a mate for life.

All the females in the room sighed wistfully. (At least I think they were females; it was very hard to tell in several species Id never seen before in my life.)

Why is that? I ventured.

The newt removed his spectacles and placed them gently on the arm of his chair. Then, without warning, he violently contorted his torso in such a way that his ribs ripped right through his clammy flesh like a set of gnarly spears. Then he straightened himself out again, which pulled his ribs back inside his tiny frame. Females cant stand it for more than a couple of months. Its too vile, even for the gold diggers. The situation is so hopeless that Ive resorted to online dating. Its not going very well.

A heavily armored lizard was looking very intently at him.

Well, would you look at the time, said the newt, replacing his spectacles as he attempted to do the same with his dignity. Ill see you lot at the bar.

Look, if its all the same to you Id rather leave the sunglasses on.

You didnt have to go drinking with them, you know, my editor told me as I heaved myself into his office the morning after. Now, lets see what youve got.

Seriously, I could have just e-mailed the article to you. That way I wouldnt have had to throw up in your

Theyre just like us! Their body image issues, their family squabbleseven their sex lives!

Yeah, thats what I thought. Until a monkey urinated on himself and scored all the dates.