Lisa Lutz - Revenge of the Spellmans: A Novel

4 That was an accident and he knows it.

4 I couldnt help thinking he meant gorgeous ironically.

5 The implication that the communication rift extended beyond my sister was intriguing.

1 Bravo, Petra. Bravo. For a partial transcript of their conversation, see appendix.

2 Wouldnt it be simpler to call the restaurant directly?

1 Note to self: Do not refer to it as our residence in Davids company.

2 See appendix.

1 Yes, a lie.

2 If youve read the second document ( Curse of the Spellmans now available in paperback!), maybe youre thinking that I cant really vouch for her. But my theory is this: David made Petra feel too much like a grown-up. Gabe will always live in a state of boyishness. Petra, too, needs to pretend she can stay young forever. Thats my theory and Im sticking to it.

1 In the Spellman household, disappearance means vacation. It can also be used in its usual sense. (For full explanation, see appendix.)

1 I will have you know that I did not once mock his use of the modern matchmaker.

5 These kinds of questions one should never answer. So I didnt.

2 Of course, it could be that self-involved thing at work again.

1 I always wait until at least noon.

1 Ernie was cooking dinner that night. Tuna casserole. He got the recipe from a womens magazine that he picked up at the doctors office.

2 Not a president, Ernie.

3 Diabolique (1996), starring Sharon Stone and Isabelle Adjani. A remake, of course.

4 Which remained purely a cheating incident in the eyes of her unmoved guidance counselor.

5 If I had a dime for every time that banana incident was mentioned to me

1 For a list of Raes past culinary experiments, see appendix.

2 Its basically a bunch of outtakes from previous films, but its the last Pink Panther film starring Peter Sellers.

3 Sometimes its best not to ask. So I didnt.

6 Hes laying it on thick now, working the guilt angle.

1 Yes, I really did think shed let one week slide. Some people are very inflexible.

2 No, not the actual license plate.

3Yeah, I used finger quotes.

4 We should probably update this phrase. I vote for: Sorry, it wont happen again.

1 Of course, I argued the mathematical impossibility of that statement.

2 The ex-cop kind.

3 Note to self: Consider getting a hobbyor your own apartment.

4 I remember burying his wand in a flower box, hoping that would end the nightly performances. I sadly discovered that a chopstick works just as well.

5 I found it at a garage sale. It had a giant backgammon board beneath the glass.

6 Im soooo going to mention this in therapy.

7 Finger quotes.

7 Why dont you buy a new one?

8 Bad news for me. I would have to be on constant guard.

9 Heres what you need to know about Grammy Spellman: She and my Dad barely speak. But shes pretty good at sending a birthday card and a check to her grandchildren. Shes the kind of grammy who would open a brokerage account for her granddaughter and keep it from her son.

10 About three years ago, we learned that David had been giving Rae at least twenty dollars a week for no reason at all, other than to stay in her good graces.

11 Please, no letters from the Jack Daniels corporation!

1 A high-end but casual restaurant in the Mission named in honor of the quasi-official utensil of the Kentucky Fried Chicken that used to reside in its place.

2 During the time it took Morty to make the life-changing decision of what to have for lunch, I read the menu from top to bottomthree timesand learned that Spork recycles their cooking oil as diesel fuel.

3Yes, he actually wrote out hoo-ha.

1 Twizzlers.

2 Milo took over the rent-controlled apartment that I took over from Bernie, after Bernie took it over from mebut changed his mind. See previous document, Curse of the Spellmans (now available in paperback!), for details.

8 Old in the literal sense. Hes eighty-four.

1 I paid for his ticket, since it was my blackmail.

2 See, I was learning something.

3 (1953.) Yes, thats really what it is. Rauschenberg erased de Koonings drawing. The museum guard explained it to me. Thats the kind of art I can get behind.

1 If youve found something that works, why quit?

1 A website dedicated to uniting people with their painful past.

2 Could it be there were 610 fairydusts before her?

3 Just that one time, but it seemed worth mentioning. I wonder what Jake Hand is up to these days.

4 Including all twelve Dr. Ira sessions.

5 David was, in fact, referring to the 1960s original boy band. His disdain for this group is both legend and incredibly tiresome.

6 I went to her MySpace page hoping for some explanation for her name, Lavae. Apparently, her father named her after an ex-girlfriend, only the ex-girlfriends name was Ravae. Thanks, that clears things up.

9 Mortimer Schilling, retired defense attorney. For more information, see appendix.

7 I should admit that I learned the word while Henry was quizzing Rae for her PSATs six months ago.

1 The 1944 film, starring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, and, most importantly, Joseph Cotten, in which a husband drives his wife mad by altering her environment.

2 Yes, there are bylaws.

1 Youll soon learn why.

2 These arent instructions. Dont, like, try this at home. That would really annoy me.

1 A legal term, basically saying that the defendant (Rae) deprived the plaintiff (me) of the use of my property. Punishable at the very least with compensatory measures.

1 David informed his clients of this fact, but to keep the news quiet from his family, David had the main receptionist tell callers that he was out.

1 For years Id encouraged Petra to lose the wig collectionI think it sends a bad message to customers. Ive quieted on this matter since discovering I can make some use of the collection.

2 Spellmans do, of course. After my first surveillance, at age twelve, I generally assumed it was possible I was being followed.

3 Of all the activities she could pursue on a whim, this had to be among the least perilous for everyone concerned.

10 A San Francisco landmark. Easy to locate. Serves a mean black and white milkshake.

4 Sorry, Ive actually lost my long-term count. But its only the second one of the day, if that clears anything up for you.

1 Translation: randomly swapping them around.

1 See previous document, Curse of the Spellmans now available in paperback!

1Not something I make a habit of.

2 Remember, the political consultant who tried to bribe me?

1 I would later learn that it was.

2 Yes, I was aware that I couldnt make such a promise.

1 Actually, not true.

2 Apparently a Texan delicacy and not Raes original recipe, as she had claimed.

3 If its a holiday party, use only red and green.

11 Once again, if youve failed to read the previous two documents The Spellman Files and Curse of the Spellmans (both available in paperback!)and you need further background information, see appendix.

1 I think you know why.

2 Also Jason Fuller!

3 Now located in Santa Monica, not Beverly Hills (sheesh, Im going to start charging for ad space, Dan).

4 This usually involves a half-hour conversation in which he retells the story in his own words to prove that hes read it. Its quite amusing and an excellent refresher.

5 The mastermind behind Raes unfortunate recipes.

6 No, theres no team. But Im not entirely opposed to the idea.

12 Henrys diet veers toward extreme health consciousness. If you want any food with flavor in his house, you really must bring your own supplies.

13 For Davids dossier, see appendix.

1Dr. Sophia RushTherapist #1.

14 Indeed I do.

15 Namely, the good stuff.