Max Barry - Jennifer Government

Hack first heard about Jennifer Government at the water-cooler. He was only there because the one on his floor was out; Legal was going to come down on Natures Springs like a ton of shit, you could bet on that. Hack was a Merchandise Distribution Officer. This meant when Nike made up a bunch of posters, or caps, or beach towels, Hack had to send them to the right place. Also, if someone called up complaining about missing posters, or caps, or beach towels, Hack had to take the call. It wasnt as exciting as it used to be.

Its a calamity , a man at the watercooler said. Four days away from launch and Jennifer Governments all over my ass.

Jee-sus, his companion said. Thats gotta suck.

It means we have to move fast. He looked at Hack, who was filling his cup. Hi there.

Hack looked up. They were smiling at him as if he was an equalbut of course, Hack was on the wrong floor. They didnt know he was just a Merc Officer. Hi.

Havent seen you around before, the calamity guy said. You new?

No. I work in Merc.

Oh. His nose wrinkled.

Our coolers out, Hack said. He turned away quickly.

Hey, wait up, the suit said. You ever do any marketing work?

Uh, he said, not sure if this was a joke. No.

The suits looked at each other. The calamity guy shrugged. Then they stuck out their hands. Im John Nike, Guerrilla Marketing Operative, New Products.

And Im John Nike, Guerrilla Marketing Vice-President, New Products, the other suit said.

Hack Nike, Hack said, shaking.

Hack, Im empowered to make midrange labor-contracting decisions, Vice-President John said. You interested in some work?

Some He felt his throat thicken. Marketing work?

On a case-by-case basis, of course, the other John said.

Hack started to cry.

There, a John said, handing him a handkerchief. You feel better?

Hack nodded, shamed. Im sorry.

Hey, dont worry about it, Vice-President John said. Career change can be very stressful. I read that somewhere.

Heres the paperwork. The other John handed him a pen and a sheaf of papers. The first page said CONTRACT TO PERFORM SERVICE, and the others were in type too small to read.

Hack hesitated. You want me to sign this now?

Its nothing to worry about. Just the usual noncompetes and nondisclosure agreements.

Yeah, but Companies were getting a lot tougher on labor contracts these days; Hack had heard stories. At Adidas, if you quit your job and your replacement wasnt as competent, they sued you for lost profits.

Hack, we need someone who can make snap decisions. A fast mover.

Someone who can get things done. With a minimum of fucking around.

If thats not your style, well lets forget we spoke. No harm done. You stick to Merchandising. Vice-President John reached for the contract.

I can sign it now, Hack said, tightening his grip.

Its totally up to you, the other John said. He took the chair beside Hack, crossed his legs, and rested his hands at the juncture, smiling. Both Johns had good smiles, Hack noticed. He guessed everyone in marketing did. They had pretty similar faces, too. Just at the bottom there.

Hack signed.

Also there, the other John said. And on the next page and one there. And there.

Glad to have you on board, Hack. Vice-President John took the contract, opened a drawer, and dropped it inside. Now. What do you know about Nike Mercurys?

Hack blinked. Theyre our latest product. I havent actually seen a pair, but I heard theyre great.

The Johns smiled. We started selling Mercurys six months ago. You know how many pairs weve shifted since then?

Hack shook his head. They cost thousands of dollars a pair, but that wouldnt stop people from buying them. They were the hottest sneakers in the world. A million?

Two hundred.

Two hundred million?

No. Two hundred pairs.

John here, the other John said, pioneered the concept of marketing by refusing to sell any products. It drives the market insane .

And now its time to cash in. On Friday were gonna dump four hundred thousand pairs on the market at two and a half grand each.

Which, since they cost us what was it?

Eighty-five.

Since they cost us eighty-five cents to manufacture, gives us a gross margin of around one billion dollars. He looked at Vice-President John. Its a brilliant campaign.

Its really just common sense, John said. But heres the thing, Hack: if people realize every mall in the countrys got Mercurys, well lose all that prestige weve worked so hard to build. Am I right?

Yeah. Hack hoped he sounded confident. He didnt really understand marketing.

So you know what were going to do?

He shook his head.

Were going to shoot them, Vice-President John said. Were going to kill anyone who buys a pair.

Silence. What? Hack said.

The other John said, Well, not everyone, obviously. We figure we only have to plug what did we decide? Five?

Ten, Vice-President John said. To be safe.

Right. We take out ten customers, make it look like ghetto kids, and weve got street cred coming out our asses. I bet we shift our inventory within twenty-four hours.

I remember when you could always rely on those little street kids to pop a few people for the latest Nikes, Vice-President John said. Now people get mugged for Reeboks, for Adidasfor generics , for Christs sake.

The ghettos have no fashion sense anymore, the other John said. I swear, theyll wear anything.

Its a disgrace. Anyway, Hack, I think you get the point. This is a groundbreaking campaign.

Talk about edgy, the other John said. This defines edgy.

Um Hack said. He swallowed. Isnt this kind of illegal?

He wants to know if its illegal, the other John said, amused. Youre a funny guy, Hack. Yes, its illegal, killing people without their consent, thats very illegal.

Vice-President John said, But the question is: what does it cost? Even if we get found out, we burn a few million on legal fees, we get fined a few million more bottom-line, were still way out in front.

Hack had a question he very much didnt want to ask. So this contract what does it say Ill do?

The John beside him folded his hands. Well, Hack, weve explained our business plan. What we want you to do is

Execute it, Vice-President John said.