Dan Gutman - Mr. Harrison Is Embarrassin!

My Weirder School #2
Mr. Harrison Is Embarrassin! Dan Gutman Pictures by
Jim Paillot To Nathaniel Lewis Contents Chapter 1
School for Cavemen My name is A.J. and I hate coffee. I do! Did you ever taste coffee? I tried it once and I thought I was gonna throw up. My parents drink coffee every day with breakfast. Whats up with that? If I dont get my cup of coffee in the morning, my dad said, Im a mess.

How can you drink that stuff? I asked him. It tastes like dirt. Well, it was just ground this morning, he replied. And then he slapped his knee and bent over laughing even though he didnt say anything funny. I was thinking about it. There must be some chemical in the brain that gets activated when you become a grown-up.

Then, suddenly, you start to drink coffee, eat vegetables, wear a tie, and go to craft fairs. Theres no other way to explain why grown-ups willingly do any of that stuff. I was walking to school with my friends Ryan, Michael, and Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. These annoying girlsAndrea, Emily, and Alexiawere behind us as we climbed up the front steps. Thats when I saw this big sign... Wow, I didnt know it was the schools birthday, said Michael, who never ties his shoes.

We should give the school a party, said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isnt food. Schools dont get birthday parties, said Andrea, rolling her eyes. Theyre not people. Thats right, said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says. Fifty years! Alexia said. Thats a long time! Yeah, I told everybody, when the school first opened, the students were probably cavemen.

Ill bet they taught the kids reading, writing, and how to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, said Neil. And they didnt have to learn history back then, Ryan said, because nothing happened yet! Me and the guys laughed and high-fived each other. It was hilarious. Boys! Andrea said, rolling her eyes again. Hey, said Alexia, back in those days, instead of buses, kids probably rode to school on dinosaurs. I laughed and high-fived Alexia.

She is pretty cool even though shes a girl. Andrea put on her mean face. The dinosaurs died millions of years ago, Alexia! she said. That was long before there were people. Can you possibly be any more boring? Alexia asked Andrea. Wow! Thats what I was going to say! Andrea gave Alexia another mean face.

Michael pulled open the front door of the school. Thats when we saw the strangest thing in the history of the world. But Im not going to tell you what it was. Okay, okay, Ill tell you. The teachers were walking around like zombies! They all had their hands out in front of them and this dazed look in their eyes. Docker. Mrs. Cooney. Ms. Coco. Coco.

Miss Holly. All of them! Some of the teachers were groaning, drooling, and bumping into the walls. Whats the matter with the teachers? Andrea asked. This must be Act Like a Zombie Day, I said. Maybe theyre filming a horror movie, suggested Ryan. Are you okay? Emily asked Mrs.

Yonkers, the computer teacher, who was stumbling around like she was still asleep. Mrs. Yonkers just stared back with creepy horror movie eyes. ... must have coffee... ... need coffee... , groaned Mr. , groaned Mr.

Macky, the reading specialist. ... will die without coffee... , mumbled Ms. Hannah, the art teacher. Grown-ups are weird.

Chapter 2
Night of the Living Teachers All the teachers were stumbling around like it was a scene out of Night of the Living Dead . It was cool. We all went into the front office to see what was going on. Whats going on? I asked Mrs. Patty, the school secretary. Our coffee machine is on the fritz, she said.

Whats a fritz? I asked. And why would you put a coffee machine on one of them? Maybe they should take the coffee machine off the fritz and it would work again. On the fritz means something is broken , Arlo, Andrea said, rolling her eyes. She calls me by my real name because she knows I dont like it. Your face is on the fritz, I told Andrea. Fritz.

Thats a weird word. Suddenly, our principal, Mr. Klutz, came rushing in from his office. He has no hair at all. I mean none . Mr.

Klutz looked like he would have been tearing his hair out, if he had any hair. I dont know what to do, he said. If the teachers dont get their coffee in the morning, we could have a disaster on our hands! Teachers were wandering in and out of the office like monsters. ... must have coffee... need coffee... ... life is empty without coffee... ... go to Starbucks... go to Starbucks...

Boy, grown-ups sure do like coffee. What is their problem? Weve got to do something! shouted Emily, and she went running out of the office. Wheres Miss Lazar? asked Mr. Klutz. She usually takes care of the coffee machine. Patty. Patty.

Miss Lazar is the school custodian. Things always seem to go on the fritz when she has a day off. I thought the teachers were going to start a riot or something. But youll never believe who walked into the door at that moment. Nobody. If you walked into a door, it would hurt.

But youll never believe who walked into the doorway . It was Mr. Harrison, the tech guy at our school. He fixes computers and laser printers and copy machines. He is really skinny, and he has blond hair. Good morning, good morning! Mr.

Harrison said to everybody. He was holding a paper coffee cup. I guess he must have stopped off to buy coffee on the way to school. Some of the teachers saw his cup and surrounded him. ... , groaned Miss Laney, the speech teacher. Mr. Mr.

Harrison leaned his head back to finish his coffee. Ah, that hit the spot, he said, throwing the cup in the garbage. Miss Laney reached into the garbage can, grabbed the cup, and tried to lick a few drops of coffee from it. Maybe you can help us, Mr. Harrison, said Mr. Klutz.

The coffee machine is broken. Yeah, it needs to get off the fritz, I added. Can you fix it? Mr. Klutz asked. If we dont get some coffee soon, Im afraid the teachers will be revolting. Some of the teachers are already revolting, I said.

Leave it to me, said Mr. Harrison. I can fix anything. They dont call me Fritz Harrison for nothing. Is Fritz really your name? I asked. No, its just my nickname.

Whats your real name? I asked. Oh, I cant tell you that. A bunch of teachers gathered around to watch while Mr. Harrison examined the coffee machine. Its simple, really, he said. The water goes in this tube to the drip area.

This switch sends electricity to a heating element, and blah blah blah sensors blah blah fuses to keep it from getting too hot blah blah blah one-way valve blah blah blah blah filtration system and blah blah blah... Mr. Harrison went on like that for a million hundred minutes. He made it sound like the inside of a coffee machine was a rocket ship. So, do you know whats wrong with it? asked Mr. Sure, Mr. Sure, Mr.