Chevy Stevens - Never Knowing

I thought I could handle it, Nadine. After all those years of seeing you, all those times I talked about whether I should look for my birth mother, I finally did it. I took that step. You were a part of it I wanted to show you what an impact you had on my life, how much Ive grown, how stable I am now, how balanced. Thats what you always told me, Balance is the key. But I forgot the other thing you used to say: Slowly, Sara. Ive missed this, being here. Remember how uncomfortable I was when I first started seeing you? Especially when I told you why I needed help. But you were down-to-earth and funny not at all how I imagined a psychiatrist would be. This office was so bright and pretty that, no matter what I was worried about, as soon as I walked in here felt better. Some days, especially in the beginning, I didnt want to leave.

You told me once that when you didnt hear from me you knew things were going well, that when I stopped coming altogether youd know you did your job. And you did. The last couple of years have been the happiest of my life. Thats why I thought it was the right time. I thought I could withstand anything that came my way. I was solid, grounded. Nothing could send me back to the nervous wreck I was when I first met you.

Then she lied to me my birth mother when I finally forced her to talk to me. She lied about my real father. It felt like when Ally used to kick my ribs when I was pregnant with her a sudden blow from the inside that left me breathless. But it was my birth mothers fear that got me the most. She was afraid of me. Im sure of it. What I dont know is why.

It started about six weeks ago, around the end of December, with an online article. I was up stupidly early this one Sunday no need for a rooster when you have a six-year-old and while I inhaled my first coffee I answered e-mails. I get requests to restore furniture from all over the island now. That morning I was trying to research a desk from the 1920s, when I wasnt laughing at Ally. She was supposed to be watching cartoons downstairs, but I could hear her scolding Moose, our brindle French bulldog, for molesting her stuffed rabbit. Suffice it to say, Moose has a weaning issue. No tails safe.

Then somehow or another I got this pop-up advertising Viagra, which I finally got closed, only to accidentally click on this other link and find myself staring at a headline:

I scrolled through letters people had sent in response to a Globe and Mail piece, read stories of birth parents whove been trying to find their children for years, birth parents who didnt want to be found. Adopted children growing up feeling they never belonged. Tragic tales of doors slammed in faces. Joyful stories of mothers and daughters, brothers and sisters reuniting and living happily ever after.

My head started to pound. What if I found my mother? Would we instantly connect? What if she wanted nothing to do with me? What if I found out she was dead? What if I had siblings who never knew about me?

I didnt realize Evan was up until he kissed the back of my neck and made a grunting noise a sound we picked up from Moose and now use to signal everything from Im pissed off to Youre hot!

I closed down the screen and spun my chair around. Evan raised his eyebrows and smiled.

Talking to your online boyfriend again?

I smiled back. Which one?

Evan clutched at his chest, collapsed into his office chair, and sighed.

Sure hope he has lots of clothes.

I laughed. I was forever raiding Evans shirts, especially if he had to stay with a group at his wilderness lodge in Tofino three hours from our house in Nanaimo and right smack on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Those weeks I often wore his shirts around the clock. Id get caught up working on a new piece of furniture, and by the time he was home the shirt would be covered in stains and Id be exchanging all sorts of favors for his forgiveness.

Sorry to break it to you, honey, but youre the only man for me no one else would put up with my craziness. I rested my foot on his lap. With his sable hair spiked in all directions and his usual outfit of cargo pants and polo shirt, he looked like a college student. A lot of people dont realize Evan actually owns the lodge.

He smiled. Oh, Im sure theres a doctor somewhere with a straitjacket whod think youre cute.

I pretended to kick at him, then said, I was reading an article, as I started to massage the throbbing pain on the left side of my head.

Getting a migraine, baby?

I dropped my hand down to my lap. Just a little one, itll go away.

He gave me a look.

Okay, I forgot my pill yesterday. After years of trying various medications I was now on beta blockers and my migraines were finally under control. The trick was remembering to take them.

He shook his head. So what was the article about?

Ontarios opening up their adoption records, and I groaned as Evan worked a pressure point on my foot. There were all these letters from people who were adopted or who gave up their children. Downstairs, Allys giggle rang out.

Thinking about finding your birth mother?

Not exactly, it was just interesting. But I was thinking about finding her. I just wasnt sure if I was ready. Ive always known I was adopted, but I didnt realize that meant I was different until Mom sat me down and told me they were having a baby. I was four at the time. As Mom grew bigger and Dad prouder, I started worrying they were going to give me back. I didnt know just how different I was until I saw the way my father looked at Lauren when they brought her home, then the way he looked at me when I asked to hold her. They had Melanie two years later. He didnt let me hold her either.

Evan, willing to drop things long before me, nodded.

What time do you want to leave for brunch?

A quarter past never. I sighed. Thank God Lauren and Greg are coming, because Melanies bringing Kyle.

Brave of her. As much as my father loves Evan theyd probably spend the entire brunch planning their next fishing trip he despises Kyle. I cant say I blame him. Kyles a wannabe rock star, but as far as Im concerned the only thing hes playing is my sister. Dad always hated our boyfriends, though. Im still shocked he likes Evan. All it took was one trip to the lodge and he was talking about him like he was the son he never had. Hes still bragging about the salmon they caught.

Its like she thinks if theyre around each other more Dad will see all his good qualities. I snorted.

Be nice, Melanie loves him.

I gave a mock shudder. Last week she told me I better start working on my tan if I didnt want to be the same color as my dress. Our weddings nine months away!

Shes just jealous you cant take it personally.

It sure feels personal.

Ally came barreling into the room with Moose in fast pursuit and threw herself into my arms.

Mommy, Moose ate all my cereal!

Did you leave the bowl on the floor again, silly?

She giggled against my neck and I inhaled her fresh scent as her hair tickled my nose. With her dark coloring and compact body, Ally looks more like Evan than me even though hes not her biological father, but she has my green eyes cats eyes, Evan calls them. And she got my curls, though at thirty-three mine have relaxed while Allys are still tight ringlets.

Evan stood up and clapped his hands.

Okay, family, time to get dressed.

A week later, just after New Years, Evan headed back to his lodge for a few days. Id read a few more adoption stories online, and the night before he left I told him I was considering looking for my birth mother while he was gone.