Chris Illuminati - A**holeology. The Cheat Sheet: Put the Science into Practice in Everyday Situations

a**holeology
The Cheat Sheet

PUT THE SCIENCE INTO PRACTICE
IN EVERYDAY SITUATIONS

CHRIS ILLUMINATI

Copyright 2011 by F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-1017-2
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-1017-5
eISBN 10: 1-4405-1116-0
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-1116-5

Printed in the United States of America.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
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Certain sections of this book deal with activities that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. The authors, Adams Media, and F+W Media, Inc. do not accept liability for any injury, loss, legal consequence, or incidental or consequential damage incurred by reliance on the information or advice provided in this book. The information in this book is for entertainment purposes only.

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Acknowledgments

First, I have to thank Brendan ONeill of Adams Media. He took a shot on me with the first book and changed my career. I owe him one, possibly two beers. Thanks man. I also must thank my publicist Elise Brown for figuring out how to explain to TV and radio people that she is trying to promote an asshole without getting hung up on every time.

Next, I want to thank all my friends that have supported me over the years by being a sounding board for all my odd ideas and thoughts and reminding me that just because I wrote two books on being an asshole doesnt mean I should always act like one. Thanks everyone.

Love and thanks to my family for always supporting me and listening to my dumb stories during the holidays, at birthday parties, and every other family function where Ive hammed it up over the years.

To my parents, for always believing in me, even when I really didnt believe in myself.

To my wife I could write how much you mean to me but Id rather just show you. Love you.

To my son Ive got a feeling youre going to teach me much more than I could ever teach you and I cant wait. Love you little guy.

Contents

Introduction First you learned the why. Now its time for the how and when.

How do I get back at my boss for screwing me over at work?

My sister-in-law is hot and flirts with me constantly should I give in?

How the hell do I get out of my friends wedding?

Look no further, pal. The answers are here. In the first book, A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting YourWay and Getting Away With It, you learned in great detail why exactly a person would want to become an asshole. You got an education on typical asshole behaviors and general areas of a persons life in which being an asshole proves to be a huge benefit. The asshole at work, the asshole at play, and the asshole and the opposite sex were just some of the topics covered.

Now its time to get specific. Youll find scenarios, along with tactics for implementing the asshole teachings in order to come out a better (possibly bigger) asshole than you ever imagined. These situations hit closest to home. How do I know? They were suggested by all you assholes-in-training when I traveled across the country discussing the first book to crowds in packed bookstores.

This handy book is a go-to guide on how to be the smoothest asshole possible in tough situations. It also shows how to steer clear of the dreaded douche-bag territory. Because the last thing you want to be is a douche bag.

Rules to Live By

A quick refresher from the first book: The Ten Demandments of Being an Asshole. Youll see the Demandments come into play throughout the book, but here is a quick refresher of the essential ten rules every asshole needs to know.

I. The asshole cares about the asshole the most.

II. The asshole is always right.

III. The asshole rarely apologizes.

IV. The asshole never accepts the word no.

V. The asshole is always in control.

VI. The asshole always has a plan.

VII. The asshole takes what he wants.

VIII. The asshole always looks good.

IX. The asshole learns from his (few) mistakes.

X. The asshole is always evolving.

Whether youre a newbie or a seasoned veteran, this book provides a slew of tricks to help you up your asshole game. But enough of the small talk; its time to get down to brass tacks. Its also time to take those brass tacks and shove them in the pupils of your adversary as a warning that youve only just begun to be a massive asshole.

The test has begun. Time to take out The Cheat Sheet.

Chapter 1.
Dealing with Friends

Dump an Old Friend

Johnnys been at your right hand since first grade. You rode the bus together, rode the bench in Little League together, and occasionally rode the same girl (obviously not together). Youve been friends for a long time. Its now years later, and youve got nothing in common anymore. Youve lived different lives, and the only common thread is the fact that at one point in life you shared the same love of Big League Chew and Cindy Crawford.

The Problem

This friendship has been living on life support for years its time to pull the plug. But how do you ditch a friend youve known forever? Think it through first. If you can tolerate grabbing a beer with him once in a while, theres no sense in cutting ties. But if you cant stand sitting through that story about how he broke his leg falling off your roof in 8th grade, for the umpteenth time, without several shots of Jger, your decision is clear.

TheHole Truth

Treat this like a breakup with a chick. Its the Band-Aid treatment; rip it off quickly and minimize the discomfort.

STEP 1HIT HIM WHERE IT HURTS.

You know enough about this person to hit the tender spots. Start poking at a semi-open wound. Nothing is off limits. Remember when your wife cheated on you with your brother? That ruled.

STEP 2TELL HIM YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID.

Scream it. I know what you did! I cant believe you would do that to me! Repeat that over and over until he hangs up. Hell convince himself hes done something. What did he do? Nothing, but he doesnt know that. When he calls to ask about it, tell him if he doesnt know what he did hes obviously a shitty friend. Keep him going in circles.

STEP 3CHANGE EVERY MEANS OF CONTACT.

New cell number, e-mail, home phone, parents and family numbers; delete Facebook, make Twitter private, and change any other way he might have to reach you. Pain in the ass but effective. If he does find you, fake a Spanish accent. Holllllllaaaaaaa! No es Steve. Eres