Rhys Hughes - Twisthorn Bellow

by

The
unusual escapades
of a self-exploding golem
with a twisted horn and attitude
somewhere on the astral plane
and also on foot
right here.

ATOMIC FEZ PUBLISHING
METRO VANCOUVER,
BRITISH COLUMBIA,
DOMINION of CANADA

TWISTHORN BELLOW

The First Edition Trade Paperback
and Digital Book published in 2009
Trade Paperback ISBN: 978-0-9811597-1-3
Electronic Book (all file types) ISBN: 978-0-9811597-5-1

The text of this novel copyright 2009, Rhys Hughes
Rhys Hughes asserts the moral right to be established as the owner of this work.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Canada

Cover illustration and design by Steve Upham

PUBLISHERS NOTE:

This is a work of fiction. All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to any real places, architectural landmarks, or personsliving, dead, or dismantledis purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the authors, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent, in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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The Atomic Fez Publishing logo and the molecular headgear colophon is designed by, and copyright 2009, Martin Butterworth of The Creative Partnership Pty, London, UK (Creative Partnership).

ATOMIC FEZ PUBLISHING
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Not the modern city Paris, but Paris of Troy, a man. Having said that, this particular chapter is told from the viewpoint of the French capital. The Eiffel Tower wrote all of it and it remains that iron edifices most coherent work of fiction to date. Honest.

Jessica Popper

and to

the memory of

Philip Jos Farmer

(1918 2009)

Monsters should be more careful!
Stuart Ross

by

The first golem went wrong.

Maybe the oven was too hot or there wasnt enough water in the mix because the moment it came alive it started to crumble. First it stamped about the laboratory, raising clouds of crimson dust, then cracks spread up its ankles and its feet fell off.

Professor Cherlomsky never had a chance to name it before it tumbled groaning to the floor. So he decided to put it out of its misery and leaned forward for that purpose, but his creation preferred to keep its unholy life as long as possible and resisted.

It lashed out with its huge arms and knocked him down, then it tried to crawl closer to his unconscious body, perhaps with the intention of fatally crushing him, but its elbows disintegrated as it went. Now it was stuck in one spot and it became furious.

With an atrocious roar it writhed its torso in frustration until all its clay muscles broke. When the professor finally stirred, he found a neat pile of dust next to him, a few grains of which he had managed to inhale during his enforced sleep. He sneezed.

And so ended another failed experiment.

* * * * *

Shylock Cherlomsky didnt need to worry much about such disasters. He was the most renowned specialist in his field and never short of respect or money, with his photo in all the glossy journals and his budget annually replenished by an overgenerous grant from his government. In addition, he always accepted private donations from rich individuals with a vested interest in seeing his work continue.

A decade earlier the situation was very different, back when he taught Applied Eschatology at the London Metropolitan University on Holloway Road. His department was the smallest on campus and his research was considered a mordant joke. And the Dean, who was French, made his life a constant source of unhappiness.

Ghosts, monsters, demons, vampires, ghouls... He hadnt been able to make anyone take them seriously...

Then a chance meeting with a fellow by the name of Mark Anthony Zimara changed his fortunes. Zimara simply walked off the street one day and declared to the professor that the planet under his feet wasnt as solid as hed always assumed it to be.

In fact it was hollow and the inside could be reached via Finsbury Park underground station, provided one didnt get distracted and catch a train instead of proceeding downwards.

Cherlomsky allowed Zimara to lead him there...

At the centre of the world the intrepid duo discovered the location of Hell and observed how it pulsed with highly compressed souls. But they werent the first to reach this spot.

It turned out the French were already involved here and an adventure followed in which it emerged that the French authorities were plotting to make French the official language of the Afterlife. Full details of this vile project are available elsewhere. Its sufficient to know that the professors Dean was a key player in the evil scheme.

The professor foiled the dastardly plan and returned to the surface to successfully confront his Dean in person. It was Cherlomskys first taste of his future career as an Eschatological Crusader. From that moment he would never again be just a theoretician.

The experience also woke him up to the realisation that conspiracies are everywhere. The French had plotted to impose their own language on damned souls, so what might the even sneakier Russians, Belgians and Canadians be up to? Who knew!

The facts about the hollow Earth and the planned French takeover of Hell were somehow leaked to the newspapers and Cherlomsky became a national hero with all the benefits attendant upon such a position. Money and the love of easy girls were the most memorable of those . For a year he indulged his appetites for both...

No such luck fell to Zimara, who disappeared as mysteriously as hed arrived. But as the professor always suspected him of being the one who informed the press of their elaborate subterranean escapade, he vowed to seek him out and give him a share of the spoils. No easy girl objected to this; neither did any banknote.

Powerful figures in the British government now got in touch with the professor and proposed an arrangement that would help protect the island from future supernatural hazards.

They suggested that the entire university campus be given to him for the establishment of a new Agency devoted to opposing any paranormal perils that might lurk above, below or within the astral plane, specifically anything beyond logic that constituted a threat to the smooth running of British interests at home or abroad.