Paul Nardizzi - 602 Reasons to Be Ticked Off

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank myself for all the work I did on this book. I enjoyed the pleasure of my company and hope to collaborate again in the future. I also want to thank God, my family, Stephanie Bennett for getting this project going, Andrews McMeel, and of course all the dumb, miserable maggots on the planet who inspired this book.

CONTENTS

602 Reasons to Be Ticked Off copyright 2004 by Paul Nardizzi. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC

an Andrews McMeel Universal company

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www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Library of Congress Catalog Control Number: 2004109154

Book design by Holly Camerlinck
Book composition by Steve Brooker

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This book is dedicated to nobody.

Forced to choose, Id probably go with myself, organic farmers, and my sister Lynne, whose laugh I hear in the back of the club even when shes not there.

T rying to get a check into a parking ticket envelope and needing a shoehorn to complete the task.

T he annoying hissing noise Canadian Geese make when you chase their babies around the park with a sledge hammer.

S haking hands with some brainless clamhead who squeezes so hard he goes around thinking your name is Letgo.

R eceiving your bill from a hotel and theres a fifty-cent charge for the call you made down to the lobby to ask how much a phone call costs.

W hen your pinheaded child fiddles with the TV remote over the course of a weekend and accidentally orders two hundred dollars worth of porn, none of which you even get to watch.

H otels that claim they wont put the movie title you rented on the bill, as if its not blatantly obvious you rented a skin flick when a regular movie costs ten dollars and the one you watched cost forty-seven and has an hour remaining.

W hen pay-per-view seduces you with a sexy title like Lick Me, which turns out to be a documentary on stamps.

Seduce the cable company by sending them a check with a number in the amount section that is not even close to the paltry sum you have in the bank.

L ooking up a word in the dictionary and having no clue what any of the words in the definition mean, either.

P icking up a person for a date who looks ten times worse than the person you met at the bar after you threw up.

G oing to a zoo where every animal is either underneath a boulder or lying out in the open totally blitzed on tranquilizer juice.

T aking your kids to the zoo and all the animals are right up next to the glass having intercourse with one another.

M aking out with someone who has a massive overbite and ending up with three chipped teeth and a fat lip.

T rying to romantically kiss your lover and they burp in your mouth.

W hen the scan button on your radio gets jammed, causing you to listen to ten million very short songs going down the highway.

P opping a champagne cork and half the booze ends up in the rug.

Y our spouse catching you sucking alcohol out of the carpet.

W eather scientists insisting that there will be another ice age in a billion years, yet the next days forecast is still up in the air.

S queezing the front brakes of a bike and going headfirst over the handlebars, and because your feet are strapped to the pedals, the bike stays adhered to your ass and pile drives your skull to the pavement.

D ebating evolution with a jaw-jutted, head-scratching moron who insists man didnt descend from apes.

S tuttering idiots who correct your English.

W hen you tell some ignoramus what city you live in, and they say, Oh, do you know my friend Henry?

S mokers blowing their foul carcinogens in your face, figuring if theyre going to damage their own bodies, they may as well bring along a few hostages.

W ar veterans who pull you aside to show you an actual German head, a bullet hole in their ass, and their one remaining nut.

S pending the bulk of the evening trying to pick up a woman in a bar, then suddenly realizing she has the voice of a man and her Adams apple is the size of a meatball at Dennys.

A n imbecilic golfer yelling Fore, two minutes after youve been read your last rites and had your eyeball donated to science.

M issing eight songs at a rock concert because youre in the mens room waiting behind a drug addict who cant locate his genitals.