John Clarke - The 7.56 Report

OTHER BOOKS BY THE AUTHOR A Complete Dagg
The Complete Book of Australian Verse
Great Interviews of the 20th Century
The Even More Complete Book of Australian Verse
Still the Two
A Dagg at My Table
The Games
The Tournament
The Howard Miracle THE REPORT JOHN CLARKE Text Publishing
Melbourne Australia The Text Publishing Company
Swann House
22 William Street
Melbourne Victoria 3000
Australia
www.textpublishing.com.au
Copyright John Clarke 2006
www.mrjohnclarke.com
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication shall be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book. First published 2006
This edition published 2007
Printed and bound by Griffin Press
Page design by Chong Weng-ho
Typeset in Stempel Garamond by J & M Typesetting
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Clarke, John, 1948- . The 7.56 report : an official inquiry into just about everything. ISBN 9781921357006. 7.30 report (Television program). 2. 2.

Political satire, Australian. 3. Politicians - Australia - Caricatures and cartoons. 4. Australia - Politics and government - Humor. Title. 320.9940207 This book is dedicated to
Bryan Dawe.
An ornament to the game.
Thanks for joining me.CONTENTS OUR MUTUAL FRIEND
2004 HARD TIMES
2005 BLEAK HOUSE
2006 A NOTE ON THE CHARACTERS
IN AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC LIFE A s Mr Dickens and Mr Thackeray have established in earlier works in this series, names are often a useful guide to the understanding of character. 320.9940207 This book is dedicated to
Bryan Dawe.
An ornament to the game.
Thanks for joining me.CONTENTS OUR MUTUAL FRIEND
2004 HARD TIMES
2005 BLEAK HOUSE
2006 A NOTE ON THE CHARACTERS
IN AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC LIFE A s Mr Dickens and Mr Thackeray have established in earlier works in this series, names are often a useful guide to the understanding of character.

Think of Mr Pumblechook, the odious Uriah Heep, Mr Dobbin and the marvellous Mr Magwitch, (part magic, part witch) late of New South Wales. Between these covers we are introduced to Mr Howard, whose name is not quite hero and not quite coward, and who took his current position from the appropriately depressing Mr Downer and the unfortunate Mr Peacock. We also meet the somewhat green Mr Bush, the slightly frayed Mr Warne and the open and very welcoming Mr Dawe. For those who may have just joined us, the following characters also crop up from time to time, as the story requires:

Mr Costello.	A combination of cost and hello. A manwho diminishes wealth cheerily.
Mr Vaile.	One who deals in secrets. Possibly in trade.
Mr Ruddock.	A combination of rodent and buttock.Not a happy fellow. Doomed.
Amanda Vanstone.	Amanda, a fixer. Van stone, up front andhard.
Mr Abetz.	One who helps. Not the one who has theactual idea
Mr Minchin.	A pinched person; one who munches atsocietys vitals.
Mr Abbott.	One who does the work of some sort ofreligious order.
Mrs Bishop.	One who can move diagonally over anynumber of unoccupied squares.
Mr Latham.	A combination of lathe and ham. A handcraftedloose cannon.
Barnaby Joyce.	Barter and choice conspiring to produce noresult. Big hat. No cattle.
Mr Swan.	One who drifts elegantly about on thesurface of things.
Mr Turnbull.	Forceful, larger than life; changeable,possibly given to rampage.
Mr Boswell.	A big, genial, ruddy-faced character; partboss, part swell.
Mr Nelson.	A man with a telescope to his famouslyblind eye. He sees no signal.
Mr Heffernan.	Heifer, a young cow. Unpredictable.Absurd
Mr Windschuttle.	Imagines he is talking sense when he issimply shuttling the wind.
Mr Beazley.	A swarming man who brings us out inhives.
Mr Rudd.	An intoxicating mixture of Rhetoric andElmer Fudd. Is he going to win? We dontknow. Will it be easy for him to fix theproblems? No it wont. But will he be givingit a red hot go? Yes, he most certainly will.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
2003 THE HON. RICHARD ALSTON, MINISTER FOR COMMUNICATIONS, INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY AND THE ARTSIn which the gamekeeper is caught poaching an eggSenator Alston, thanks for your time. Good evening, Bryan.

Very nice to be on the program. I wonder if I could have a word with you about the sale of Telstra. Yes, indeed. This has always appealed to you, hasnt it, the idea of selling Telstra? Yes, frankly, it has always appealed to me. Even when you said you werent going to do it? Well, we didnt say we werent going to do it, Bryan. Be fair. Yes. Yes.

Why does it appeal to you so much? I think it gives Australians an opportunity to invest in their own future, Bryan. Australians already owned it, though, didnt they? In the sense that they already owned it? Yes, in that very narrow sense. In that very limited sense, Bryan, yes, but they werent deriving a benefit; they werent actually getting a dividend, a return. Minister, what about the people who bought into T2 at $7? They havent done very well, have they? I might say that when we do T3, therell be first aid available at the Australian Stock Exchange. Will there be bandaging? Bandaging will be available. There will be triage in the foyer, obviously, Bryan, and therell be an oxygen tent for anyone with a super fund. Yes, but isnt that the point? Youre the minister whos responsible for delivering these services and theyre not being We are delivering the services. Yes, but isnt that the point? Youre the minister whos responsible for delivering these services and theyre not being We are delivering the services.

Services have improved out of sight, especially in the bush. Youre satisfied that these services? Bryan, weve gone right through the thirty-nine points and we have improved things out of sight. But, Minister, how do you measure that? Why are so many people out there still clearly unhappy? Weve got various ways of measuring it. You can measure it by simply making a phone call. (He dials a number.) Ill show you. (He speaks into the phone.) Id like a number in Queensland, please. (He speaks into the phone.) Id like a number in Queensland, please.

AUTOMATED RESPONSE: Answering yes or no, is Buying off the NationalParty correct? No, no. I wont keep you a minute, Bryan. (Into phone.) Id like to speak to somebody about Telstra services in the bush, please. AUTOMATED RESPONSE: Answering yes or no, is We think Senator Boswellson board correct?(Into phone.) Can I speak to your supervisor, please? I want to know about bush services. AUTOMATED RESPONSE: Answering yes or no, is Why dont you just make thephone system work properly correct?(Into phone.) Get me a bloody human being. I dont want to talk to a computer.

AUTOMATED RESPONSE: Answering yes or no, is All the brokers think this is aturkey correct?(To Bryan.) There are a couple of wrinkles that just need ironing out but the services are greatly improved.

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