Burgundy Ron - Let me off at the top! : my classy life and other musings

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

CROWN ARCHETYPE with colophon is a trademark of Random House LLC.

Text by Ron Burgundy
Doodles by Ron Burgundy

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN 978-0-8041-3957-1
eBook ISBN 978-0-8041-3958-8

Copyright 2013 by PPC
Jacket TM & 2013 Par. Pics

Illustration on by Fred Haynes
Photography credits appear on
Jacket photographs: Emily Shur, TM & Par. Pics. All rights reserved.

v3.1

Every word in this book is true. You can fact-check most of it but much of it lives within my brain. Fortunately for you my memory is infallible. With the exception of people, places, situations and dialogue, Im like a walking encyclopedia of facts. You might as well chisel this baby in stone, because what you are holding is a perfect unchallengeable chronicle of American history and personal narrative. You are welcome.

It took me eight years to write this book. The research alonefact-checking, reading the source materials, asking questionswas endless and I didnt care for it that much. I just didnt. But I persisted because I knew what I was doing was truly very important. A book is never the work of one man. Many people contribute to its failure, or as in this case, its success. Dorathoy Roberts at the Harvard Widener Library was instrumental in recovering so many facts and nautical terms. Janart Prancer aided my work immensely with her near-encyclopedic understanding of rare manuscripts in the Herzog August Library, Wolfenbttel, Germany. Esther Nausbaum, head librarian at the prestigious Kirkland School of Dinosaurs, was instrumental in tracking down indispensable paleoecological records for . Her dogged enthusiasm for the project was only outpaced by her enthusiasm for lovemaking, which I could barely equal. I dont know what to say about Doris really except if shes still out there and she would like another bounce, I would be game. Johnny Bench was an invaluable spell-checker. Lars Mankike brought an artistic eye to the project and a kind of European nihilism that was completely unnecessary. We fought often and he got what he deserved, so Im not even sure why Im thanking him here, but its too late now. Sandy Duncan is full of boundless energy. What can I say about Veronica Corningstone, the love of my life? Weve had our ups and downs for sure, and usually the downs were because of something stupid she said or did while losing blood. You really cant fault women for being irrational. Blood drips out of them willy-nilly and theres nothing they can do about it. Its like being a hemophiliac. I suspect science will one day cure them of this blood-dripping disease but until then, Vive la diffrence. Finally Baxter, my dog and best friend, saw me through many tough hours as I struggled with my emotions during this project. His love and support sustained me through extremely difficult excavations into my past. Only Baxter knows the pain I have lived. Our nightly talks formed the basis for what you hold in your hand now.

Does mankind really need another book dumped onto the giant garbage heap of books already out there? Is there some pressing desire for the wisdom of a humble News Anchor in this world? Will it add to the great literary achievements throughout time or will it be lost in a swamp of trivial scribbling like pornographydevoured and then destroyed out of shame? I stand here (I write standing up) and I say, No! No, this book will NOT be lost! This book is necessary. Its an important work from an important man. I was the number one News Anchor in all of San Diego. My name is Ron Burgundy and what you have in your hands is a very big deal. Its my life. Its my words. Its my gift to you.

If the truth be told, Ive wanted to write a book for a long time, but how? How do you write a book? Oh sure, I know you get paper and pencils and make yourself a pot of coffee and you stay up all night and write one. Seems simple enough, but its not. Theres a very long tradition of book writing going back through history all the way to Roman times, and if you know history like I do you understand that book writing is NOT EASY! Rule number one sayeth the bard, To thy own self be truthful in regards to yourself. I knew from the beginning, before even purchasing the paper and the pencils and the cans of coffee, I would have to spend a little time getting to know me. Ive been so busy being Ron Burgundy the legend that I never stopped to really get to know Ron Burgundy the man. Before I wrote one word of this masterpiece I took long walks through the streets of San Diego trying to make friends with a guy I barely knew: myself. I talked to myself, thats right, in bars, at bus stops, in laundromats, wherever my muse took me. I recommend it. Go out and talk to yourself. Record the conversations like I did. I had a small lightweight twenty-pound Grundig reel-to-reel tape recorder with a built-in microphone. A typical conversation went like this:

Ron

Hey, good friend of mine.

Ron

Hey right back at you.

Ron

Whats it all about?

Ron

Its a good question, Ron. You ask tough questions.

Ron

Its my business, Im a News Anchor by trade.

Ron

No kidding, thats important!

Ron

Yeah, its really nothing. Im kind of a big deal around San Diego.

Ron

It sounds damn impressive.

Ron

It is in a way. Its pretty impressive. Are you hungry?

Ron

I could definitely go for some fish-and-chips. Do you know where they have the best fish-and-chips in San Diego?

Ron

I do. Theres a one-of-a-kind sea shanty called Long John Silvers that fixes up delicious fish-and-chips at a reasonable price.

Ron

Man, that sounds yummy.

Ron

Why dont you join me? Im heading over there now.

Ron

How far of a walk is it?

Ron

About six miles.

Ron

Do you want to discuss life some more while we walk?

Ron

No, lets shut it down until after we eat.

Night after night like a ghost I walked the streets of San Diego holding conversations with only myself. Sometimes the conversations were trivial, like the time I got into an argument over which dog breed, Labrador or collie, was better at learning tricks, but sometimes they reached a sublime level of deep thinking, like this conversation I recorded while sitting on a transit bus.

Ron

Whats it all mean, Ron?

Ron

Sometimes I think were all crazy.

Ron

I know what you mean. I feel crazy myself sometimes.

Ron

I mean, whats to stop me from lighting this bus on fire?

Ron