Max Tucker - Hilarity ensues

HILARITY ENSUES

TUCKER MAX

AUTHORS NOTE

My real name is Tucker Max. All the events described in the following stories are true to the best of my recollection, though certain dates, characteristics, locations and other trivial details have been altered.

I hope you enjoy reading about my life as much as I have enjoyed living it.

THE CANCUN STORIES

Occurred, Spring Break 2000

I worked in Cancun, Mexico for six full weeks during my second year at Duke Law School. I left Durham at the end of February, and then stayed down there for spring break season. Youre probably wondering: How could I up and leave not just school, but the entire United States of America, while still enrolled in a top ten law school, with classes going on every day, and not have any negative consequences?

Because everything about law school is a complete fucking joke.

Yes, Duke is a top ten law school, but the only thing difficult occurred well before I ever set foot on campus; getting admitted. Once I actually arrived on campus, I realized that not only was the hardest part done, but everything else was a complete joke. The emperor had no clothes.

Going to class is a complete waste of time. The professors dont care about teaching; they either ramble endlessly about meaningless shit, or they spend the whole time telling you how important they are. The students are no better; the ones constantly raising their hands to talk (theyre called gunners) are all pompous suck-ups, and add nothing of value to the conversation. The work itself is a fucking joke; theres no daily homework, its just reading and considering issuesand I would say that probably 90% of what you go over in class has no bearing on either your life or your job as a lawyer. Think about thatmost of what you learn in class has no application anywhere outside of law school.

Grades arent a problem either. Your entire grade is based on one final exam at the end of the semester. Law school professors all use the same basic test format and look for the same basic type of answers. If you crack the law school test code and write for what they are looking for, the tests are a cinch. If youre really smart, you dont even need to study. Just read through the book about a week before the test and you should be able to walk in and pull out at least a 3.0. Youre not going to be top of your class doing this, but you can easily graduate in the middle. At a top tier law school, thats more than good enough to get a lucrative law firm job (at least it was when I was in law school now, if youre in law school at all, youre just totally fucked regardless of where you graduate in your class. But thats a different discussion.)

By mid-first semester of my first year, Id already stopped going to class. By second semester, I didnt bother buying my books. I spent that money getting drunk in Chapel Hill and fucking my way through a bunch of UNC sorostitutes. By second year, that was getting boring, so I looked for other ways to push the envelope. I decided I would go on vacation. During law school.

The problem is that I had no fucking money. But there are solutions to that. I could be one of those air couriers who gets to fly to Bangkok for like $50 if I dont bring any luggage and let the courier company use my allotted cargo space, but that requires responsibility and accountabilityno chance. Then I thoughtwhat about those companies that ship kids to various spring break spots? They have to have on-site staff, right?

I did a little research, figured out which companies were hiring, and started calling people. Getting a job overseas is pretty easy, especially at resort-type places. Theyre always desperate to find halfway competent help, and if you have a little intelligence and a lot of aggressivenessI definitely have thatabout getting the job, youre usually in. I just kept bugging every one of the travel services, making sure they knew how awesome I was until one hired me for the spring break season. Easy and obvious. When you spot market inefficiencies you dont tip your cap and go on your merry way. You ruthlessly exploit the fuck out of them.

So in the middle of the second semester of my 2L year, with all my law school classes still in session, I left North Carolina for Cancun. They paid me like $400 a week, plus expenses and accommodations and my entire job was to party. I got paid to be me. I would show up at the day party, get hammered, go fuck some girl, take a nap, go to the night party, get hammered again, and fuck another girl. I woke up every morning sending out AMBER Alerts for my dignity and I was getting paid for it.

If youve never been to Cancun or done this kind of job, its hard to understand what a fucking shitshow it is. You think your college partying days were bad? Not like Cancun. You may disagree, but youre wrong. You may have gone to the best party school in America, and you may think you threw downand I am sure to some extent you didbut remember:

Cancun is where college kids go for vacation when they want to party EVEN MORE.

These are some of the funnier storiesat least the ones I can rememberfrom my time there:

WHY TO LEARN CPR

This incident happened at the famous bar Pat OBriens. There is a huge outdoor bar area that is grassy and hilly. It was relatively early in the day and I was bored and walking around checking things out when I saw a dude lying on his back, in the grass, way in the corner. Something about the way he was lying looked weird, limbs all akimbo, so I went to make sure he was OK.

He was not.

Dude had a vomit bubble coming out of one nostril. This is REAL bad; its the first sign of asphyxiation, and means he is literally drowning on his own puke. I immediately roll him over, and give him the Heimlich. I know for CPR I probably should have given him mouth-to-mouth, but fuck thatif the Heimlich worked, I wouldnt have to put my lips on the puke-filled mouth of some random dude.

He immediately starts coughing and all kinds of shit comes spitting from his mouth and nose. That triggers some kind of violent spasm and he starts puking all over the place, making a complete mess of himself. Yeah, he ruined his favorite Seor Frogs t-shirt, but thats way better than fucking dying.

The Mexicans call the ambulance and they take him away to the clinic. After it was all over, it dawned on me: I just saved a dudes life. Thats pretty fucking cool.

I was strutting around the bar, saying stuff like, I saved a guys life today. Whatd you do? Jack shit probably. Now I know why doctors are so arrogant.

That was on a Tuesday. On Thursday, I saw the guy out with his friends.

Tucker You back at it already? Brave man. Make sure and take it a little slower this time.

Guy Uhh OK.

It was obvious by his eyes that this dude was not registering who I was.

Tucker You dont recognize me?

Guy Uh not really.

Tucker Im the guy who saved your fucking life at Pat OBriens. You were choking on your own vomit, I gave you the Heimlich and called the ambulance.

Guy Oh, yeah. I dont really remember that day much, but yeah Im alive, so OK, cool, thanks.

Tucker You dont remember it? You dont remember going to the hospital?

Guy Not really. I mean, I remember starting the day, and I remember leaving the hospital yesterday, but thats about it. But if you really saved my life, then thanks, I guess.

Tucker You guess???

Unappreciative fuck didnt even buy me a drink. Thats why you dont try too hard to save the life of a University of Tennessee frat guy.