Bosch Pseudonymous - This Isnt What It Looks Like

Copyright 2010 by Pseudonymous Bosch

Illustrations copyright 2010 by Gilbert Ford

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Little, Brown and Company

Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

www.lb-kids.com.

Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

First eBook Edition: September 2010

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Then again, he never intended to write this book in the first place.

ISBN: 978-0-316-12207-8

FOR

S OFIA C AROLINA ( SO NICE, THEY NAMED HER TWICE ); I ZZY AND J ACK ; E LIJAH ; I SABELLA ; K ATE P. AND E MMA ( EVEN IF SHES TOO OLD ) BUT NOT M AY AGAIN ( WOULDNT BE FAIR ); K ATE G. AND S AM ; E LLA AND M ARGAUX ; L ILY WITH A Y, G IDEON, AND R UFUS; BUT NOT L ILLI WITH AN I OR L UCAS OR M ADELEINE ( SEE B OOK T WO); AND NOT I NDIA AND N ATALIA, EITHER ( WELL, MAYBE WELL LEAVE THAT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION ); ALSO FOR A VA AND S YLVIE ; L UCY AND L EVI ; D ULCE AND O LIVIA ; T YLER X 2; I RIS ; S TASH ; L ORENZA; THE LOCAL COUSINS : L EV , D ANTE, AND M OLLY; THE NORTHERN COUSINS : N AOMI , E LI, AND J ACOB; THE MYSTERIOUS COUSIN , S OPHIA; AND FINALLY FOR N ABU AND K IWI S KUNK AND MY M OST A NNOYING F AN E VER AND MY S ECRET A GENT IN K ENTUCKY AND ALL MY S ECRET A GENTS EVERYWHERE

Do not read this book standing up. You may fall down from shock. Do not read this book sitting down. A quick escape may be necessary. Operating a moving vehicle or any kind of heavy machinery while reading this book is forbidden. It might distract you from the plot. Prolonged exposure to this book may cause dizziness and, in extreme cases, paranoid delusions or even psychosis. If that is your idea of fun, by all means keep reading. If its not, then this isnt your kind of book. Use of this book for other than the intended purpose is not advised. While it may seem like an ideal projectile, the makers of this book cannot guarantee your safety if you throw it at someone. There is always the possibility that that person will throw it back. You should not read this book if the cover has been tampered with or removed. If you suspect that your book has been deliberately altered by your enemies, you should report it to the makers of this book. However, they will probably think you are crazy. Under no circumstances should you consult a doctor. He will definitely think you are crazy. The contents of this book may appear to have shifted over time. Do not be alarmed. This is a natural occurrence that affects all books and does not necessarily mean that your book has rewritten itself. Then again, it might have. Remember, nothing in this book is what it looks like.

Truth is only stranger than fiction if youre a stranger to the truth. Which means youre either a liar or youre fictional.

A realistic story is a story lacking in imagination. (What does realistic mean, anyway? Would you say something is true-istic?)

Ive never met a joke so bad I didnt like it. Then again, Ive never met a joke.

When in doubt, you cant be wrong.

Whether its chocolate or socks, the rule is the same: the darker the better.

There is more to life than chocolate. There is, for example, cheese.

If a waiter accidentally serves you a burger with mayonnaise, its not enough for him to scrape it off. He must order you a new burger.

Its pronounced sue DON im us.

Secret? What Secret?

I know you are, but what am I?

A T A CERTAIN POINT IN THE FIRST 150 PAGES OF THIS BOOK THERE WILL BE AN EMERGENCY DRILL . P LEASE FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS AND BEHAVE EXACTLY AS YOU WOULD IN A REAL EMERGENCY . T HANK YOU .

P.B.

*A S YOU WILL DISCOVER , I HAVE NUMBERED THIS AND SEVERAL OTHER CHAPTERS NEGATIVELY, SO TO SPEAK . A LAS , I CANNOT TELL YOU WHY WITHOUT GIVING AWAY TOO MUCH . B UT IF YOU HAVE STUDIED INTEGERS, YOU MAY WELL BE ABLE TO GUESS . Y OU KNOW, FOR EXAMPLE, THAT A NEGATIVE NUMBER IS A NUMBER WHOSE VALUE IS LESS THAN ZERO, AND THAT THE HIGHER THE NEGATIVE NUMBER IS, THE LOWER ITS VALUE . T HUS, WHEN YOU ORDER TWO NEGATIVE NUMBERS IN SEQUENCE, THE HIGHER OF THE TWO ALWAYS COMES BEFORE ( HINT, HINT ) THE LOWER . N EGATIVE TEN COMES BEFORE NEGATIVE NINE, AND SO ON, UNTIL YOU GET TO ZERO AND THINGS TURN NORMALMORE OR LESS .

H ow shall I put this? I must choose my words carefully.

(I know how you are. Always ready to jump on my mistakes.)

Somewhere, at some time, a girl walked down a road.

I say somewhere not because the where is secret, although it is.

I say some time not because the when is secret, although it is.

And I say a girl not because her name is secret, although it is.

No, I use these words because the girl herself did not know where she was.

Or when.

Or who.

She had woken standing up. With her eyes open.

It was a very strange sensation. Like materializing out of nowhere.

Her fingers and toes tingled. The tips of her ears burned (whether from heat or cold she wouldnt have been able to say).

Sunspots lingered in her eyes, blurring her vision. But when she looked up she saw there was no sun. The sky was cloudy.

Had she fainted? Did she have a concussion? (She knew that confusion and blurred vision were symptoms of concussion, but she couldnt remember how she knew it.) She touched her head, but she found no injury.

Gradually, the sunspots disappeared and her vision cleared. She looked around.

She had no idea where she was.

She seemed to be in the countryside, but of what country wasnt immediately apparent. There were fields to either side of her, but they were dry and empty. Trees dotted the landscape but in no obvious pattern. There were no signs of life.

Be systematic, she told herself. If you retrace your steps, youll figure out where you are.

But she couldnt remember a thing that had happened before she was where she was. It was as if she had been born a moment ago.

Who am I?

The realization that she didnt know her own name came over her belatedly, like a chill you dont notice until you see your breath clouding in the air.

She felt uneasy but not exactly frightened. Real amnesia, she knew (although she couldnt remember how she knew it), was exceedingly rare. Most likely, her memory would return in a moment.

She decided the best thing was to walk.

The walking was not easy. There were no signs or streetlights to guide the way. The road was not paved, and it was riddled with rocks and tree roots and mud holes.

She stumbled more than once, but she trudged forward. What else was there to do?

An hour passed. Or maybe two. Or was it less?

She didnt see anyone else. Until she did.

Ahead of her, just a few feet off the road, a little boy was climbing a big tree. Like a cat, he made his way on all fours out onto a long branch. Like a cat, he got stuck.